Time to parent up.  Nobody told you to have kids.  Hey, I bet people even discouraged you, but you did it despite the warnings. You must not have listened when friends told you what crappy parents you’d make; you did the fertility treatments anyway and low and behold—twins!

And other than feeding, and clothing them, and packing them off to school, and camp, and every other childcare facility that would take them, you’ve left them on their own to fend for themselves.

Thus, both Charlie and Sam have had to figure out how to be decent people who actually contribute something to society by the idiots on TikTok, Snapchat, Instagram, and every other social media soul-crushing platform.

Granted, you never should have had them in the first place, but perhaps should have disciplined them after the first time they participated in the TikTok “Slap a Teacher Challenge” in October. Was it really a surprise when both Charlie and Sam took on December’s “Flash the Entire School in the Hallway Challenge” and then pushed the English and Math teacher for good measure? Lucky for you, they only got five days’ suspension because you threatened a lawsuit against the school who you claim stood in the way of their freedom of expression. Nice parenting there, by the way.

But, how do you defend Charlie calling Mrs. Calhoun an “old f*cking douchebag” knocking over her tchotchkes atop her desk because she told him to please remain in his seat? What did the old bag ever do to Charlie other than put up with this piece of work also known as your son? (I don’t want to discuss Sam’s behavior in her class as it was duly egregious. That report, as you know, is on his permanent school record.)

While the screaming, meltdowns, and tantrums, were possibly understandable when Charlie and Sam were precocious six-year-old boys, ten years have passed and now they’re teenagers! So maybe, just maybe, you should parent up and teach them that tantrums at the age of 16 are not acceptable—especially in the classroom.

Yes, they have been zooming from home for a year and a half and haven’t been accustomed to being part of our high school community. Still, you should have taught them how to handle their frustration more productively, especially in public. You didn’t. Now, you wonder why both Charlie and Sam tagged the school over the weekend with “All teachers should be shot,” “Kill the principal,” and “F*ck this shit!” It seemed that you enjoyed the notoriety when you discovered that their actions went viral on TikToc and Instagram, which signaled NBC Nightly News to cover the story.

I do applaud your ability to engage the judge in your theories of consequentialism and harm-based morality and convince him to send them to Habitat for Humanity in Honduras for a month. It did seem that sending them away from the scene of the crime would teach them to take responsibility for their actions. After all, they did come back with some useful skills that later came in handy.

After a smooth four weeks of school, it seemed that all was quiet on the western front, with only one fire alarm prank and a minor sexual harassment charge by the gay P.E. teacher who claimed Sam called her “butch.”  Things were looking good. It appeared that your sons had finally matured and learned how to be decent members of society. That is until they snuck onto campus around midnight and hammered all the classroom doors shut by pounding six-inch nails diagonally along the doorframes. It took the janitors eight hours to lever and twist the 1,456 nail heads out, canceling class to the celebration of the student body.

Now, there’s this shooter incident, which you claim you knew nothing about even though you keep an unlocked cabinet of firearms in the family room right by the big screen TV where Charlie and Sam play countless hours of “Mortal Kombat” and “Medal of Honor.”

You didn’t listen. Yes, you gave them everything they ever wanted (Kudos!), but you didn’t parent up. You never followed through on your duties to teach them right from wrong.

Now, there are seventeen wounded and three on life support including Mrs. Calhoun. I’m not sure how (even with all your lawyering skills) you are going to shift the blame on this one.

Mrs. Greene
Charlie and Sam’s School Counselor and your BFF Class of 1990
(Hey, just doing my job!)
Revere Charter High School

P.S. Their final transcripts will be sent in the mail.

Author: Mary Louisa Cappelli is an educator and researcher living in Los Angeles California.