America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Latest articles

May 2017

But can I tell you a little secret?  My favorite---and I mean FAVORITE!---designer is none other than, wait for it, can you guess?  That’s right:  none other than Ivanka Trump, your stunning daughter who looks just like you and not like her whore of a foreign mother.

instincts

Not only is he very instinctual, but “my instinct turns out to be right”. The president said so himself, in the memorable Time magazine interview with Michael Scherer; the one including “I’m president, you’re not”.

April 2017

Trump

President Donald Trump announced today that he would not “sign on for a second season playing the President.” Trump admitted that the role of U.S. President was more challenging than he had ever imagined, and his previous acting experience had not fully prepared him for the part. “You have to make huge, huge sacrifices for the role. Keeping up my world-class golfing skills while playing the President has been an enormous challenge. I also have less time on Twitter.”

Pence

Up and down, indeed! If it weren’t blasphemous, I’d say you have the power to see through walls. (nervously) You don’t, do you? Well, I was just in the middle of a set of chin-ups when you called. Nothing like some vigorous chin-ups with your hands gripped tightly around the ol’ rod to cool things down. As a matter of fact, Vice-President Ryan has joined me for some late evening calisthenics.

Crying

One very lucky Boston teenager survived a harrowing 45 minutes while dining with her family on April 19, 2017. "I thought she was going to die," her younger sister explained with tears in her eyes. "There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless!"

Inherent Vice

Inherent Vice (2014) is a long, quirky, uneven comedy; your enjoyment of it depends on your enthusiasm for early 1970s stoner culture, as well as your attitude about Pynchon’s usual themes. Writer/Director Paul Thomas Anderson probably considered using an even sillier touch in his adaptation of Thomas Pynchon’s novel. The funniest moments in the film, as in the novel, come during the interactions between Doc and Bigfoot Bjornsen (Josh Brolin), an LAPD Lieutenant with a history of harassing Doc (and kicking his door in, hence his nickname). Bigfoot’s utter disdain for Doc’s drug-addled brain and hippie lifestyle is hilarious.

Hypocrisy

Recent suspicions circulating on social media of a toxic, communicable disease have been verified. According to the CPC (Center for Paranoia Control), scientists have discovered a strange virus infecting people from all walks of life. This nefarious disease affects the behavior and communication centers of the brain, rendering its victims oblivious to their own condition but, ironically, hyper-sensitive to the existence of the disease in others. Apparently, this virulent strain is seasonal in nature, reaching epidemic proportions about every four year election cycle.

Globe

“Months, years, even decades, I once devoted to planning, and participating in, mission trips,” Baines confessed, wagging his head in sad amusement. “Time wasted.”

Rickles

Eddie Fisher, Joan Rivers, Tommy Lasorda, Marlo Thomas and others remember the master of the insult, Don Rickles.








People

The Field Guide to People of the USA is the most up-to-date resource for identifying Homo sapiens living in the United States of America. From the Lame-Brained Politico to the Loose-Lipped Rumormonger to the Bigmouth Yenta, the People of the USA is replete with a dizzying array of creatures unrivalled in the animal kingdom.

Robo Med

From the outside, Robo-Meds recall the video-game arcades of the 1990’s, only instead of the racket of gameplayers you’ll hear requests for diagnoses. The machines stand shoulder to shoulder without partitions and don’t require fancy buildings in upscale districts. Actually, they don’t even need roofs. They’re portable and weather-proof, like the Porto-San conveniences found on construction sites.  Robo-Meds automatically disinfect themselves after each patient. They will have waterproof curtains, so conversations will be semi-private; just you, your Robo-Doc and everyone else. Medical care will become a populist thing virtually overnight, replacing doctors’ offices with their bacteria-filled waiting rooms. The financial saving is huge for all concerned.

March 2017

protest

“God Bless the CIA” read the large banner above the crowd in Lafayette Square in Washington, DC, right across from the White House. A group of more than 300 Anti-Trump protestors were showing their support for the CIA, the fabled American intelligence agency whose illustrious history of violent revolution, extra-judicial killing, and media disinformation has inspired democracy-lovers and imitators around the globe.

New Jersey transit

Larry Rabinowitz-Chen and his wife, Zephyr, had always loved their sun-filled, pre-war, 700-square foot, third-floor walkup in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn. But with the arrival, in 2016, of triplets, Yoko, Binky, and Syd, they began to think the unthinkable: moving to the suburbs. Like many die-hard Brooklynites, they’d grown to love the vibe of their neighborhood: triple venti-soy-no foam lattes at Caffeine Heaven; fixed-gear bike shops; and diversity (where else could you find such a balanced mix of graduates of both the good and not-so-good Ivies?). Yet they knew they needed more space.

aliens

Professor Sondra Lear, a feminist science fiction scholar par excellence, was sobbing in her State University of New York at Greenwich Village office. The fact that Trump was really the President of the United States devastated her. Although she had experienced the deaths of loved ones and illnesses, she felt that President Trump was not a typical vicissitude. Having your country’s national character become gone with the wind during one election night is not normal. While walking to the subway on the morning after the election, Sondra felt like a funeral procession participant. The usual hurried insensitive New York throngs were ashen faced and dazed. Sondra, knowing that she could not survive living in Trump’s racist and misogynist America, was primed to use all of her resources to cope.

Back

New research conducted by scientists at the University of Oxford has validated the findings of Sir Mix-A-Lot, whose 1986 publication, "Baby Got Back," first challenged long-held views about the correlation between butt size and general health.

hell

I have traveled to numerous exotic places, including the foothills of the Himalayas, the Arctic, and the Antarctic. These places, needless to say, are all on the surface of the earth. As a space scientist I have also fantasized about going into outer space, but the closest I have been to fulfilling it was a simulated trip to a comet in Disneyland. The journey that I describe here is of an entirely different dimension. It is not only outside the earth’s surface, it is also outside our familiar space-time fabric; it is my highly unanticipated journey to Hell with a brief stopover just outside the gateway to heaven.
You know when I look back at photos of my great-grandparents’ generation, I can’t help but to feel a bond and comradery. They were tough. I mean they shaved with straight razors. My great-grandpa was a farmer and a lumberjack and a carpenter and a fisherman and a soldier and a factory worker and a communist unionizer and a progressive. When I look at old pictures of him or any picture from that time period I think about all the sacrifices the Greatest Generation made, and thinking about their sacrifices helps me make my own.
I am against eating Non Veg, but still I used to be sitting against Non Veg eaters in restaurant as I don't have any option. Most of my friends are Non Vegetarian and they will be eating mutton. I have love for goat but I can't stop having lunch with my friends and start having it with goat. What if chickens, goats etc are capable of eating humans, their menu would be Teenager 65, Adult Tandoori, Mature Biryani.

grilled cheese

I slide my telephone out of my sleeve and turn on the camera function. Katherine is patient. She knows: this isn’t a lunch; it’s a life, and it deserves to be shared. I shoot the sandwich from eighteen angles, kneeling on my chair and the table, darting outside to capture it through the window. It came with a high-quality napkin and a glass of fresh water, and I want to make sure these appear but don’t overshadow the star.

Trump

TRUMP:(smiles warmly) Nice place...reminds me of my apartment on Fifth Avenue. / PUTIN: (bullying) Similar yes, but Kremlin has BIGGER rooms. No? TRUMP: (shakes his head) No...my rooms are HUGE, REALLY HUGE.

wooly mammoth

De-extinction changes everything. Imagine driving north on California Route 1 and seeing your first woolly mammoth ambling across the road as you approach Big Sur. It will resemble an extremely hairy elephant with curved tusks that loop back to its eyes. Woolly mammoths are vastly different from the ordinary deer in the headlights. Our pre-historic ancestors hunted them into extinction by eating the inside and wearing the outside. Now, if all goes well, we will be able to atone for all that.

February 2017

Trump

President Trump added that the deposed Flynn had “done a tremendous job. He did amazing things. He will go down in the history books as one of the best national security advisors we’ve ever had. Believe me. I am one of the best Presidents ever for picking National Security Advisors. So I know.”

fuzzy Trump

“To beat a reality TV star,” producer Harvey Schleishenstein murmured to himself, “it takes a reality TV star…” The idea didn’t belong to anyone in particular, but since it had come to him, he was considering it. Like the majority of voters in the last election, Harvey had no love for President Ronald Stump, that belligerent bad-hair-day billionaire casino-monger who had Brexited his way to the most powerful office on the planet.

For those of you who just couldn’t take it anymore and shut off the news last spring, let me commend you – and briefly summarize what has happened in the interim. Hillary won (of course), and just three weeks ago, she gave a very gracious, unifying inaugural address after being sworn in by Justice Merrick Garland, whose nomination to the Supreme Court was confirmed during the lame-duck session.

hillary

What can one say about an election that saw the party of FDR doomed because white working class voters turned out in large numbers?  The Democratic establishment will suicidally blame racism, nativism, misogyny, religiosity, and other tribal impulses, all of which indeed rose to the surface like the smelliest turds in a waste treatment plant. The Dems will not, however, place the blame where it belongs, on themselves and on their candidate, a small-time grifter who never understood that America loves those who steal in large amounts but hates the chiseler and the cheap hustler.  This nation despises the person who picks your pocket for change but reveres him who plunders your 401k.

tiny hands

But oh how it seems surreal / Being here on the office seal: / Only Me!  Approvals will increase / While I sing softly, slowly: / Look how small my tiny hands are! / Tell the heads of states, I did it my way! / Sway me not of immigration / I’ve had a busy day today!
As he stood at his lectern awaiting the opportunity to speak, Crestwell surveyed his opponents. They seemed as unremarkable as ever, save for the rotund man in shirtsleeves two podiums to Crestwell’s right, who had forsaken his jacket in order to ensure that no one would fail to notice the .40 caliber Glock strapped beneath his left armpit. That strategy was working, at least on Crestwell, who kept catching himself stealing glances at the weapon.
Discerning palates / won’t want to miss the dwindling swift’s eggs poached from / nests atop cliffs of Borneo, blended in a chowder perfectly spiced. / Savor a stunning appetizer like pangolin from the omnivorous / menu as you watch the anteaters forage on Virtual Life Video / and indulge in the smuggled green sea turtle.

No Non Indo-European Words

Following massive protests in the United States and around the world, President Trump has rescinded his ban on immigrants from seven Muslim countries. In its place, he has issued a new Executive Order (EO) banning non Indo-European words.

Great

On the 25th of January, 2017, Chinese president Xi Jimping banned great from all new schoolbooks, kindergarten to university levels. Beginning on January 28th, the start of the Chinese New Year, students in classes where English is taught will be requested not to use that word to describe anything at all. The Wondrous Wall will be the new official name for China’s unique national treasure.

January 2017

Trump

“We know the mere mention of President’s Trump name or the sight of his face is enough to trigger serious emotional distress or even seizures in a large part of our viewing audience,” said Wolf Blitzer of CNN. “Families with children will really appreciate this warning, as the mere sight of Trump reportedly makes many babies, small infants, and millennials cry uncontrollably.”

Jesus

Despite his Ultimate Celebrity status, Jesus Christ has been unable to schedule a meeting with President Trump, so recently the King of Kings made a surprise morning appearance in Trump’s bedroom. He materialized near a table covered with golf trophies, a marble bust of Trump, and a book by Dale Carnegie, intent on assisting the new leader with the challenges of office.
The allegedly abusive mom tearfully admitted that she had indeed banned all junk food from her home. In between gasping for breath and blowing her nose, she further incriminated herself by mentioning that she had also banned all fried foods, sweets and pizza. She was apparently unaware that banning all food groups eaten by teenagers is akin to starving a child.

Uber old

All users of UberOLD must hand their device over to the nearest grandchild. The grandchild will be pre-authorized with an admin-level login. Signing on as admin, the grandchild will set up the application for his or her grandparent. The admin/grandchild will load all doctors’ addresses and other common grandparent destinations.

Smiley

Essentially, by utilizing CBT you can control your thoughts, thereby affecting your actions, which will in turn improve your emotions. It’s a simple process and begins with a step known as RESTRUCTURING.

car

Welcome to JUPITER, and the incredible luxury of autonomous driving! Take a nap for the entire trip; eat, drink (not to excess, because JUPITER has an electronic breathalyzer and will report you).  Relax or work; call your mother, warm up a pizza, pour your coffee  and have a quick ride in the carpool lane. The car is your driver.  Bewildered? Uneasy? Terrified? JUPITER’S help team has an answer for all your questions.

natasha

I met Svetlana (not her real name) outside a Russian tea house in New York City. Not the famous Russian Tea Room on W. 57th St. that has hosted glitterati, literati and Russian ex-pats since 1927, but a hole-in-the-wall, Mama and Papa joint in the far reaches of Brighton Beach—the type of establishment where, if the second-hand smoke from unfiltered Soviet brand cigarettes doesn't kill you, the East River catfish caviar certainly will.
The wearer of caps, thrice sayer of vows, / avoider of briefings, the water-board’s friend, / the stop-and-frisker, poo-poo-er of hacking, / climate denier, the boss-man of generals / embellished with stars.

Trump Santa

The world was stunned this week when soon-to-be President, Donald Trump, announced he would take the lead on selecting a new Santa Claus, after the beloved St. Nicholas was found dead in his North Pole mansion under curious circumstances.

Certified Mail

#1. I request that you reimburse me for having to purchase, upon move-in, a working carbon monoxide detector, three tubes of Super Glue to fix the broken toilet, two bottles of Drano Snake Plus Tool + Gel System for the clogged tub, and supplies (and four hours of labor) to scrub the black grime off the floors and windows and to caulk the cracked tiled bathroom walls.

2016

Ministry of Truth

“The big difference between the U.S. and Russia is that here our media is produced by private media companies. In Russia they have obvious state propaganda organs with ridiculous names like Pravda. Here have a brand new Ministry of Truth. And while they have obvious propaganda organs such as Russia Today, we have venerable and stimulating publications such as USA Today, which is also very colorful.”
Donald J. Trump parachuted, from his helicopter, onto the daïs at today’s inauguration, with a pair of underpants on his head—royal blue boxers, with the Trump logo in gold threads—dislocating the shoulder of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who was there to swear him in. 

The Frump Who Sold Christmas

All the Foolze down in Foolzville like Foolzville a lot, / But the Frump who lived North of Foolzville did not. / The Frump hated Foolzville! The whole blasted swamp! / And he vowed he would drain it, in one wild romp!

St Nicholas

Q. Stuff that jolly in a stocking, Tubby! You are being detained for attempting to enter the United States illegally as an undocumented worker, attempting to illegally transport livestock across the United States border, and attempting to bring commercial goods into the country without authorization in violation of the North American Free Trade Agreement. A. You’re going to hit me with NAFTA?


According to state patrician, Adrastia Aurelia Faustulus, a new approach to increase student apathy is about to roll over factory facilitators at the Corporate College of Rogue Isle.
A first step should be selecting a country, preferably one without too many silent letters in its language. Countries where all the letters are pronounced make life abroad simpler. Spain and Italy both qualify there; Portugal less so, though South America remains a viable possibility.

Sigmund Freud

The author argues that the true OC (Oedipus complex) comes from identification with the family’s pet rather than identification with the father, as previously thought. In the classic scenario, the OC is interpreted as fear of punishment (i.e. castration) by the father for sexual attraction to mother; in the proposed hypothesis, a fear of castration is linked to a mother who neuters a pet. In a way, it is understood as punishment for maturation by means of castration.

The movie’s goal of serving up sharp social commentary is sometimes at the expense of showing realistic individuals. Because the characters are not realistic, it is not expected that we care for them as characters as much as archetypes. The characters serve the plot so dutifully that the movie often feels artificial and scripted. But if the major characters in Gone Girl are clearly weaving stories around their own lives then the visibility of the movie’s plot turns supports the theme. It’s just another noticeable weaving in a story about the stories we tell others, and that the media tells us.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.

Donald Trump glanced at an oblong lamp adorned with a spout and a semi-circular handle which markedly differed from the other baubles dispersed throughout the penthouse. The lamp was made of bronze, not gold. Trump, who was a tad nervous about being President-elect, rubbed the lamp to assuage his anxiety. Smoke suddenly filled the room and surrounded the French provincial furniture. A rotund brown skinned young man—who wore pantaloons, a billowing sleeved shirt covered by a vest, a small tasseled hat, and pointed shoes—stood in front of Trump.

The fire was a distant stimulus. A more urgent one was before her, on her laptop—her Facebook page. While she enjoyed perusing the updates from her 3,004 friends to discern salient facts about them, scrolling endlessly through their comments and photos for more clues about their likes, habits and tendencies, she inevitably returned to linger over her own page. She was far more interesting and had far more likable habits than anyone else that she knew.
What if families made economic decisions the way some American businesses do?
Vanity, vanity, all is vanity— / Or countertop, or cabinet, / Or sit-down all-stone shower-bath / With pulsing sensurround adjustable flow— / But even these: vanities, all.
"I’m feeling pilloried, / blaming Hillary, / stuff’s got to change, / Donald’s deranged ... "
Even if your town has public consolation spaces where you can be bear-hugged by like-minded total strangers, that really doesn’t help PESS, especially if the hosts include complimentary coffee.
It's time to tell you what my plans are after I abolish all medical care. I'm starting my own medical school, which won’t be a problem. I founded a university, so I'm simply adding a medical school to it. I'll be accepting applications beginning January 21st.
If Donald Trump is elected President, do you plan to: D. actively seek asylum with Edward Snowden in Moscow

Trump

Chairman, Federal Communications Commission: Howard Stern, Minister Plenipotentiary: Kim Kardashian and other favorites

correction fluid

“People who claim that they need Correction Fluid or Magic Markers have already flagged themselves as having a suspicious attachment to outdated, essentially useless, technologies,” said ODC press liaison Mack Bolan, in announcing the new bans.
Mr. Trump, giving an impromptu interview from the lingerie department at a Manhattan Victoria’s Secret boutique, confirmed this new campaign promise.  “Yes, yes. I promise not to commit sexual assault during the final debate, before, or even after I crush Crooked Hillary Clinton and celebrate backstage.”
I’m incredibly sorry to have missed you when you were in New York, but I was somewhere in what I call flyover country.

lose-o-meter political forecaster

Unlike its competition, The LoserCast’s ground-breaking Lose-O-Meter technology is not based on math. The LoserCast model averts the fundamental flaw of forecasting engines that rely on things like “numbers” and “statistics” and “scientific formulas.”
He believed Lizbeth was suffering from menopausal delusional psychosis, having some sort of mid-life crisis or nervous breakdown, or worst of all, turning Republican. What they all failed to recognize was FAS (Foreign Accent Syndrome) was a legitimate disease, albeit rare.
Scenario: Imagine that the leader of a powerful foreign country publicly insults your physical appearance (for example, your small hands, ludicrous hairstyle, inadequate genitalia, or $12,000 ladies' pant suit). How do you respond?
What’s with the Roman-style get-up anyway?  She’s dressed like Caesar’s wife—rather than a hip, street-smart 21st century female.  Frankly, I feel humiliated when I glance her way! And can you imagine what stylish foreigners must think?
The Atlantic is really the greatest ocean. The Pacific is a tiny bit larger, but cold even in summer.  You’d really have to come down here to see my ocean in all its glory, and I hope you will, as soon as possible.
When queried about the sources of his ideology, he admits without blushing that he doesn’t read books: he forms his opinions by watching television.  When asked about the identity of his political advisors, he replied that he doesn’t need them since he has a good brain of his own, but would soon form a terrific team of prestigious counselors.
Her tidy rump perched on the tri-corn seat, / whose long nose rests where his yet longs to be..../ That under her own power she should leave—
Spitting on the ground / For three straight hours / And occasionally / Patting each other's asses.
You will not be conscious from the time you leave your home until the following morning when you wake up in one of our nine luxurious resort locations.
“I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”
A handful of the letters mentioned in Mr. Thornehopper’s entry were used as tinder during the great snow storm of 1947, when several members of the museum’s curatorial staff were trapped in the underbelly of the building without heat or electricity for a full week, but the following missives have survived, giving us a scintillating view into the lives of Zeus and his ancient comrades.
...For Neptune’s Triton dandled / there and poked at plums empurpled more / than Papist robes or Bordeaux-blued / imbibulants whose vasty visions vanished / in the moment of imbued remembrance, / which were a recollection keening / for a recall of no moment, precisely.
Called “Find My Spy”, the app is designed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. The app has already gone viral and has been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far.
THE BANDUNG CONFERENCE: International meeting to prohibit fertilizing produce with manure / A trade agreement among the US, Africa & Asia / A city in northwest China, known for its shirt factories / None of the above
"My comprehensive plan will cover all necessary and essential medical care for men—Viagra, paternity tests for nuisance lawsuits, and hand enlargement surgery for men who aren't as well-endowed as I am."
“We in Dixie have a responsibility to stand up against injustice, and particularly injustice against ourselves. When we heard about the brave folks in England who finally stood up and declared they’d had enough of the EU, it got us scratching our heads – and we realized, you know what? So have we!”
“Take out? Wow, you’re the first guy to order take-out in the two weeks I’ve been working here....It’s okay. I love gay men,” she blurted out conversationally.
“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

bridge cards

Under the new protocol, the highest-ranking suit will no longer be called trump in an effort to distance the popular pastime from any negative association with the Republican party’s nominee.
Pope Francis's earth- (and, some say, heaven-)shattering acknowledgment that God, in the traditional sense, almost certainly does not exist, came last week during a meeting of Rome's diocese in Saint John Lateran basilica in Rome.
"I called my opponents liars; I questioned their manhood; I questioned their character; I questioned their birthright; I questioned their ethics; I called them dumb and stupid; I made fun of handicapped people; I cast aspersions on John McCain; I attacked Jeb with the cudgel of his brother George; I attacked Wall Street. The more obnoxious I became, the more people cheered and supported me."
These first relatively minor losses were only the beginning. We now have an Emoji edition of the King James Bible, subtitled A Bible for Millennials, assembled by an anonymous Emoji wearing sunglasses.
Look, you have issues with me; I have issues with you; do we really need to keep judging like this?
One group that more than agrees that the president's disarming smile could pose a severe threat to society at large is the National Rifle Association.
An unemployed man in Cleveland, Ohio believes that the US government’s vast overseas empire and interventionist foreign policy benefit him personally.
Help me win the primary / Please don’t be an absentee / If I win, everything’s free / Need a new flat screen TV????????
I'm a big thinker, as anyone will tell you. Very big. I have a very big brain with lots of very big ideas. And my big brain told me that nobody was better qualified for the position of Vice President in the Trump administration than the renowned Trump ego.
The speaker is referring to a dilapidated country called the Grand Union of Free States that was established after the South’s victory in the Civil War. The year is 2030, but GUFS has stuck to its core principles and remains a slave state that’s separated from America by a long, Berlin-like wall running along the old cease-fire line from Virginia to the Rio Grande.
And he threw the starfish toward the water, but it never made it. Instead, the starfish hit Jesus, who happened to be walking along the seaside that day.
You might be sick of me / But Bill said “run!” and I deserve to / To move back to DC / That’s all I want, to be your POTUS / Forget darned Benghazi! / I’ll tell it my way…
We give the best possible service and do not hurry and make errors. All clients are precious to us.
“When the idea of getting to know a new person feels better than drinking all day or crying all night, you’re probably ready to start dating.”
Rumors spread quickly that Inamesia was far worse a disease than the pox and the plague combined. And so the groans of fear grew louder and louder.
From her early tentative pieces, such as the Bulemia Cantata, to later darker works notably the Toe Variations, and, of course, famously, her lighter sallies–paramount among them 1978’s The Hemorrhoid Symphony–Soames always kept herself, her music, and by extension her audience, in intimate contact with her body, its idiosyncrasies, its foibles, its squeaks and its moans.
Thank you for bringing to my attention your view that our completely bankrupt white-male Eurocentric hegemonic curriculum must give way to a more enlightened pluralistic multi-culturalism if we, as a people, are to curtail the forces of imperialistic phallic oppression.
Back to Digong though. I tell you Megyn, this man, who has Mexican ancestors, is a giant (which shows I’m no racist) and will do things for his country that even Clint Eastwood would have had a hard time accomplishing.
Showers will soon be permitted only once per week. Precious shower water must then be recycled and the tainted muck must be used to cook pasta.

TTIP Eurovision

“We want to be a part of the inner sanctum of European traditions. First World Cup, now Eurovision, and later GMO food on every table in Europe.”
I had a little time on my hands today so I wanted to say hello and let you know that Your Shopping Cart Is Empty.
So what is it about human nature that presumes "doubles", as Steinbeck refers to them, are a negative? Why, when we watch a breathtakingly beautiful sunset, do we respond with: "sunsets should be just like this every single day." This way of thinking is a vital human flaw.

Trump

trump: noun;  deceit, fraud, trickery; of no value; rubbish; nonsense.

Canada border

A 20 foot electrified fence will be constructed across the Western provinces.
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate.”
Superheroes are tragic characters. Take Batman and Superman for example. One, because both lost their parents. Two, because both are alienated from the real world because of their powers. And three, because love is impossible for both.
Rivki Haddassah Schlimovitz, 17, the daughter of Menachem and Esther Schlimovitz of Kiriat Joel, was married last night to Shlomo Yehuda Wachtelkoenigstein, 38, son of Gershon and Shulie Wachtelkoenigstein, of Borough Park, at the Rebbe Yitchak Feshtunkena Center in Monsey, New York.
Why are you voting for Donald Trump? / my brother makes more money than me / Uber drivers are creating more traffic in town, / my father also wanted a girl / taxes are too high, / my good cholesterol is too low

Trump

You judges, you tasters – especially you Frenchies who think you have such great wines – you’re in for a treat. A real treat. These are terrific wines. Believe me, terrific. I want you to see what some really great wine tastes like.
We’re sacrificial lambs anyway, the nominees agreed, admitting that the President’s endorsement was an honor, even if it remained a family secret.

Trump birth

Ryan laid a hand on Reince’s belly. “Donald, be reasonable. Come out of there now. Let’s discuss this like adults.

Trump

Jake Tapper, CNN: So Mr. Trump, some evangelical Christians have suggested that you’re the Anti-Christ.

Neanderthal

Hundreds of previously contented Cro-Magnon Americans are asserting their Neanderthal ancestry and signing up in droves to run for office.
When did three million Americans become so allergic to peanuts they couldn’t be in a Boeing 777 with a single peanut?

Hillary Clinton

Not since Princess Diana has an entire population been so in love with one woman, a woman named Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Alice tea party

Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, "it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life," today retracted her statement.
If we all owned guns we’d get faster service at the / DMV, be listened to more respectfully in the office. / Muggers would think twice about robbing Jesus on / the street because the son of God could be packing ...
Going into 2016, I vowed to stop checking my social media sites on a daily – all right, hourly – basis and limit my visits to once a week. I knew I’d have to push myself far beyond my mental and perhaps even physical capacities.
In its latest attempt to “win hearts and minds” in the Middle East, the Pentagon has announced a new program of dropping Christmas presents alongside selected bombs and cruise missiles in difficult theaters such as Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.
"If she goes to the dance with you then you'll probably kiss her and you'll start dating, and things will get weird between us and that's not fair because you've both been my friends for a long time," Alan protested, committing both a straw man fallacy and a slippery-slope fallacy.
Even Obama can beat Syria or whoever. It’s a walk in the park.
Somewhere near the Southern border within the Homeland itself lives an old man with his three kindly, but odd-shaped sons. One is nearly as tall as a telephone pole; the second is burlier than a blown-up balloon, and the third is the actual small size of a tuning fork.
Take a walk and just notice the world and the people in it. You’ll be glad that you’re alone.
Reviewese gives us talk of ambitious, courageous, definitive, innovative, magisterial beach reads.
"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of building hotel casinos on the moon and returning the cash safely."

Trump

Donald Trump announced today that he will be moderating an upcoming Republican candidates debate on the Fox network.
Midnight’s Sunshine, Wanda Buchanan's first novel, explores in a brisk and emotively effective way the varieties of familial relations and their discontents during twenty-two chapters of exciting and heart-felt moments.
In Syria did Cameron / A pleasurable jape decree...

Garbo

I admire Charlie Brown’s despondence with the world. The ending is completely unrealistic, as there’s nothing really to appreciate about an anorexic Christmas tree.
“Thoughts and prayers” has served our clients well since its formal implementation in 2012, but, like all position statements, it is reaching the end of its empathy lifecycle.
I believe the abilities I’ve developed during my career as The Master Designer of the World and All That Dwell Therein make me an excellent candidate for this opportunity.
Let us not forget that she also has posed nude in Playboy magazine. This is definitely one thing that cannot be said about any of the other men whose portraits are on our currency.

smile

As a managerial tool, sending recalcitrant employees out for smile training is considered one of the most important breakthroughs in personnel management.
Here at Fox News, we only call for war if the Pentagon says it is necessary and justified.
Reject me all you like, my love, / But take me on a walk. / I’ll keep my dirty paws off you, / and never learn to talk.
AntiBiox+ is the flagship of a new suite of placebos called the AARP or Antibiotic Addiction Resistance Program, which can be secretly dispensed to a patient as ‘antibiotics’ if, in the doctor’s opinion, real antibiotics are not warranted and the patient is a tool.
Dan Geddes talks about Amsterdam, "Satire in the Global Village," the 5 Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief, and the TPP.
4 October 2015
"Yes, the holy water blessed by priests at my local church is holy too, but it’s probably not as holy as water from the glass of Pope Francis, which may even contain traces of his holy slobber."
The application form and the eligibility criteria were straightforward. I didn't have even the minimum qualifications or experience for this job. But as I knew I had no chance of getting the job, I made myself sound like the perfect candidate.
"A proper sentence for you sir would be for the fiction of your work to become the reality of your life! You foul the name of even the gaol you will pestify with your presence!"

VW

Merkel stated: "Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can."
As boorish as it sounds / I have to say / That there is / An element of silliness / In the classical male ballet

"The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting," said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. "We promise. Personally, I'm betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can't wait."
AGENT: The president will be here in a minute, Prime Minister. And… (whispering to Netanyahu) He’s not in a good mood. It’s the first Sunday he’s missed a golf game in – well – forever.

spy giraffe

Rumours of the existence of the animal spy unit began to emerge in the 1970s, leading to the expression, “a fly on the wall”, entering the public lexicon.
That afternoon I spontaneously proposed to Daphne while on a nature hike in the Malibu canyons. Having reached the crest of a particularly steep hill, I happened to look up into the air and spot a sky-writing plane adding the finishing touches to the question “WILL U MARRY ME?”
I never thought a rubbish dump would ever talk to me, but one day a dump in Ain Al Mresseih, Beirut did just that.
An eight-year-old boy was the first victim. A bite to the neck and it was over. But the tiger must have been confused by the pandemonium around him, because after securing his meal, he went on a murder spree.

TPP

"Yes, we could tell you what's in the TPP, but then we would have to kill you."
"How could the world even function without our brilliant sarcasm? People would remain forever blind to their moral failings, especially when we enrage them by ridiculing their most sacred beliefs. That is a real service to all humanity."
Facebook executives have confirmed rumors of an unprecedented new feature which will automatically scan your Facebook News Feed for opinions, datasets, and scientific facts which might possibly upset you--then alter them to match your beliefs.
 
Robot burger chefs, truck-drivers, sexbots.
Hillary: Well, Ryan, as long as I can remember I've wanted to be THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.
A gradual process of attrition through death, sickness, and injury would eventually eliminate horses in Central Park.

Can-throwing kid

As of January 1st, all students entering kindergarten in the school system will be required to demonstrate their ability to throw canned food (SBP 100.2).
Dulles' study of 2,000 young people aged 18 to 29 found that 'only 5% were willing to protest anything--no matter how unjust. And most of them are crazy.'
For those interested in getting into this lucrative field here are a few ideas on the subject.

Fed lowers interest rates to i

"An interest rate of i actually makes sense in this era of ultra-low interest rates and massive quantitative easing."

Breakfast Dessert

"Next he will say that the Virgin Mary wasn’t extra virgin! Or that we never went to the moon!"
 

Jonathan Swift

"For first let me applaud the title of your Publication. An Onion is by far the most approved Object for your Endeavour, as it moves Tears in the eyes of even the most Savage and inhuman breast."
Yoko Ono. Heather Mills. Yoko Ono Lennon. Heather Mills-McCartney. Two women. Two Beatles. Who knew? Just remember – everyone – even the allegedly sycophantic, royally aspirational, need someone to look up to.

Zen Master Yamamoto

"America's fullness is a bad fullness; an emptiness. America is full of emptiness, because it is too full of fullness. It is even empty of emptiness—but in the bad way."

Crapshot

Dr. Lana Amene developed a device about the size of a Smartphone that could be directed at a person, or persons, and when activated cause them to spontaneously evacuate their bowels.

"When the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!"
Voltaire retired to Wandsworth for a few months to brush up on his English so that he could chat with Pope, who usually talked in couplets.

Rupert Murdoch has confessed that The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.
Greg Shapiro talks with Dan Geddes about The Satirist, digital privacy, Facebook, and Google.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.
The IRS stated that: Corporate persons generate far more jobs than unincorporated persons (so-called individuals), and thus are far more important to the economy.
The first time I lost a kid, I felt real bad about it.
Together, these three new passwords should form a complete sentence, with effective punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.

computer passwords

"It would be healthy for the economy."
Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

Robin Williams photo credit: Dan Dion

In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment the audience sees them.

This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
"Above a vast new expanse of flat skin between his eyes and mouth, he’s telling us our noses will be next to go."
The Grand Budapest Hotel is one of Wes Anderson's best movies.
Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.
Why do I marvel when the faithless stray, / when friends whom I supposed completely safe / against belief go falling for a god?
Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.
The NSA has reportedly been overwhelmed by requests for copies of lost data from desperate individuals whose computer hard drives have crashed.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
"I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross...What has the Red Cross done lately?"
"No, they tell us, poets are just 'producing text.' / Egad! Can we survive beneath that hex?"
The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually unappreciated servants of humanity.
A Would-Be Bob Dylan Struggles With Anonymity
A 1984 for Our Time
"all smart investors seek the cutting edge; / the marketplace willl always let them know / which areas of suffering will grow.
Russell Shorto cherry-picks the most interesting characters and events from his research into the city's history.
Thomas Pynchon's funniest book!
Woody Allen's Streetcar Named Desire

News

Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.

World Leaders on summer break

Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
"Now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies."
For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.

drone

Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.
Several of Zed's Facebook Friends have taken the time Like his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including Condolences, Zed's dead, and Sorry Dude!

EU flag

Saint EU is the first international organization to advance to sainthood. The Church waived the rule that prevents the process of canonization from beginning until five years after a candidate's death.

See all News


Satires

If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
"Somebody, somewhere, could just throw a switch, and we would all be mind-controlled. That's why I usually wear this tin-foil hat."
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
The Third Leg sees Irving recycle his familiar themes.
Disney creates a beautifully animated rendition of the Biblical apocalypse.

Claude Roget
Claude Roget

Was one of the most influential philosophers of our time an audacious plagiarist?

See all Satires


Poems

High-Tech Saint Nick

- Dan Geddes
"I used old maps—not GPS./ I got lost near France…or Siam."
"I was greatly upset as I read your last FAX,
that I owed many thousands of dollars in tax,"

See all Poems


Fiction

A young man attempts to achieve meaningful human contact with an eclectic set of people in a Florida bar.

See all Fiction


Books

Fiction

Jonathan Franzen's Freedom - cover

Freedom — Jonathan Franzen. Franzen solidifies his reputation with a worthy follow-up to The Corrections

The Handmaid's Tale

The Handmaid's Tale — Margaret Atwood. Negative Utopia as Polemic: Handmaid unabashedly places itself in the negative utopian tradition, and may have heralded the beginning of a new genre: the feminist negative utopia (or dystopia).

J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger. Future generations may never understand the unique affection Salinger's readers felt for Salinger and his characters.

See all Fiction reviews and essays


Philosophy

Genealogy of Morals book cover

The Genealogy of Morals — Friedrich Nietzsche. Nietzsche's greatest work, featuring sustained arguments rather than incisive fragments.

Man's Search for Meaning

Man's Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl. Frankl's Logotherapy School (discovering our purpose heals us) was inspired by Frankl's own experience as a concentration camp survivor.

See all Philosophy reviews and essays


Religion

The Book of J

The Book of J — Harold Bloom. Genesis is great literature, not the intended foundation of world religions.

The Gnostic Gospels

The Gnostic Gospels — Elaine Pagels. Controversial history of early Christianity

See all Religion reviews and essays


Criticism

Anxiety of Influence

The Anxiety of Influence — Harold Bloom. Only strong poets can overcome this anxiety of influence; lesser lights become derivative flatterers and never achieve poetic immortality for themselves.

The Conquest of Cool

The Conquest of Cool — Thomas Frank. 1960s Counterculture as unwitting shill for Madison Avenue. Were the Sixties a fraud?

See all Criticism reviews and essays


History

Nixonland

Nixonland — Rick Perlstein. Colorful, electric chronicle of the political history of 1964-72, and the Nixonian comeback (and repression).

See all History reviews and essays


Films

The Big Lebowski

The Big Lebowski (1998). Lebowski remains the Coen brothers' funniest movie.

Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane (1941). Orson Welles' classic satire about Hearst and media sensationalism is not the greatest movie of all time.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day (1993). Harold Ramis's It's a Wonderful Life.

Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction (1994). Pulp Fiction gives us violence in broad daylight, hip dialogue and circular structure.

See all Film reviews and essays


Essays

Smoking as Religion describes the similarities between smoking and religion.

Gossip as Social Currency Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.

See all Essays


Amsterdam

How to survive the Dutch winter - Darkness. Rain. Punishing winds. Gray skies. “Oh God, when will it end?” These are some of the words that come to mind when thinking of Dutch winters.

Learning Dutch describes one man's fledgling efforts to master the Dutch tongue.

See all Amsterdam articles


The Satirist - Complete Article List

The Satirist is so much more than just a great fake news site! It contains:

Get the Book! The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book (vol. 1)


Share!