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Alice in Wonderland Calls Republican Tea Party “Stupid” in Historic Press Conference

20 February 2016

NEW YORK - Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, “it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life,” today retracted her statement.

In a press conference held earlier on the lawn of The Mad Hatter’s summer home in Amagansett, Long Island, Alice declared: “After experiencing the current political state of affairs in America, and, after witnessing first hand this thing you have here called – and here she made the air quotes gesture – The Tea ‘Party,’ and also the Republican ‘Party,’ I can now safely say, without fear of contradiction, that I spoke way waaay too soon.”

Alice tea party

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When reporters pressed her to elaborate on her statement Alice said: “This ‘tea party’ you are currently having is really, by far, the stupidest party evertea or otherwise! Your ‘tea party’ is a party filled with boobs of all types such as this Ted Cruz ghoul, this Ted Yoho moron, and this nutcase Sarah Palin. You folks at this ‘party’ have no clue as to which end is up, on which side your bread is buttered, and how green your own grass is. Nor do you have even the foggiest notion. Your conversation is untethered to reality at best and dim-witted at worst – and, you serve the worst processed foods as well. Who on earth but an idiot thinks Velveeta and Cheez Whiz are foods? Why, they can’t even use the word ‘cheese’ for gosh sakes because this stuff is made out of old 45’s! Get a clue people!”

Alice took a sip of tea and continued: “I have spent the last 30 odd years observing America’s condition – and odd is quite a fitting word indeed. It seems to me that the oligarchy – 0.1% of the population calls the shots and another 10% have some influence. Leaving 80% to 90% of your country’s citizens who are either ill-informed, non-informed, uneducated, or so financially pressed as to be all-consumed by the day-to-day task of merely putting food on table – or roof over head. Which is the condition that this Republican Party – and there’s an oxymoron – this is the condition that this ‘party’ of mirthless drears wants these citizens in while they cheat and rob them blind.

“This 80% to 90% – yes, maybe even you – are gullible, resigned to your lot, unquestioning, and just plain disgusted, and thus have abdicated all power to these weasels, and, most distressingly, all power to reason. And, most sadly, all ability to connect the dots of your lot to a bunch of lying bloodsuckers wearing red ties and flag pins.

“The terrible thing is; almost half of you in this 80% to 90% manage to vote – and because you are so ill-informed, so stupid, and so easily misled by Fox News, you continue to elect the very same fools that have, in the first place, caused the calamity that is your existence.  And those of you who do know which end is up are left to live with the moronic voting decisions of this imbecilic 40 to 45%.”

Alice was on a roll: “Which brings me back to this 0.1 to 10% – this odious bunch that I still do not count as culpable as I do the sheepish 80% to 90% among you. Understand, this is not about the decent among the super-rich: the Gates’, Buffet, Soros – people who have used their great wealth for the betterment of all. I am talking about others of this 0.1%, people like the Kochs whose father actually bankrolled an oil refinery for Hitler, and Richard Mellon Scaife, and Sheldon Adelson, and Rupert Murdoch et al, wealthy virulent right wingers whose actions border on fascism, who dictate the policy and essentially select and bankroll these politicians who will carry out their wishes.”

She took a sip of her tea and continued:“And, you have the rest of the privileged, the 5 to 10 percent section of the population that also has some influence. This – let’s call it 10% – is so transparently vile in their greed and wanton destructiveness as to amaze that anyone in their right mind believes anything that any of this bunch utters. You actually believe news that blatantly and transparently lies!

“And now, you have this performing seal Donald Trump and this vile vampire Ted Cruz standing as candidates for the Presidency of your country?? You people are insane! This is undeniable proof that my Wonderland is a haven of sanity compared to the asylum you call your country.

“Allow me to explain something to you – please. This 10% cannot help being greedy. It is their nature to make 10 billion dollars, keep eight-an-a-half of it, and decry the fact that someone living on a pension – which they have paid into all their working life, is getting an entitlement! They scream ‘socialism!This, while taking millions in a government bailout of their banks and while their corporations pay little or no taxes on their billions in profits. It is the very nature of these people to be selfish, win-at-all-cost, and unwilling to even consider that their actions might adversely affect the majority of your country.

“And, these oligarchs, this 0.1% of the 10% have systematically set about to destroy government with their politicians as their front men. Take, for example, one of their shills, this disgusting excuse for a human Grover Norquist who famously crowed: ‘My goal is to cut government in half in twenty-five years, to get it down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub.’ Oh yes, and along with it will go your food protections, air quality, mail service etc. All, and any, regulations that may keep him, the shadow figures who run him, and his fellow far right-wing criminals from robbing you blind. This, so they can then all point their bony fingers and say: ‘See? Government doesn’t work! We told you it didn’t!’

“This is exactly what the Republicans did to The Affordable Care Act, which they then caused to be re-named Obamacare – so as to be more able to denigrate it. Their selfish legislative demands crippled and watered down this noble act at birth and now they point fingers and bray that it is badly conceived.”

Alice took another sip of tea: “Yet, I can understand the pathology of these people. These Kochs, this Scaife, Adelson, Murdoch et al. At bottom, they haven’t a trace, a whit, a speck, of the empathy most ‘normal’ humans possess, nor do they possess a conscience. They believe with all their cold hardened hearts – and, I’m being generous here in granting them such an organ, however iced over – they believe that they are the center of the universe, and that they are therefore certainly more important than anyone else. They do not possess a sense of the cosmic connection of all life. They do not believe in, or are even aware of, the concept of Karma. They are not, in any remote way, philosophers. They are here to amass. To judge. To wield power. And you, yes you, are in their way – unless, of course, you can be used.

“So them I understand.”

She took another sip of tea and continued: “Who, and what, I do not understand, are you in the 80% to 90% who have lived through the failures of the policies of the front men of this 0.1% (of course, these mouthpieces would say that their policies have been most successful –wouldn’t they?). And, having lived through these front men like Reagan, and Nixon, and witnessed the actions of Agnew, and Kissinger, and Bush 1, and Bush 2, and Rumsfeld, and Rove, and Cheney, and now Scalia, and Thomas, and Norquist, and Gingrich, and Santorum, and Bachmann, and Romney, and still Rove, and Cruz, and Palin, and still Santorum, and now the scowling mean-spirited Cruz and the pandering buffoon Trump, and on and on and on…you still believe in these people??

And, after witnessing how they bust your unions – because unions threaten these robber baron oligarchs and their minions by keeping workers united and thus are able to collectively bargain for a fairer share for the worker – so they must be busted –  you still believe? And, seeing how these minions of the 0.1% are attempting with some success to disenfranchise you – to take away your very right to vote – you, the percentage of people who do vote, still vote for these liars, these greedy self-servers, these callous uncaring criminals who blatantly lied you into a war on an innocent country – which bankrupted your treasury- causing you to lose your jobs and homes?

“And the Mad Hatter is crazy?

“You still believe the words and the by now proven to be empty promises of these front men of the 0.1% rather than their actions. Still believe their words, and their promises, instead of your own eyes, and your experience. You still believe in what has repeatedly failed to work. You still believe the fairy tale – which, laughably, none of us who actually live in a fairy tale believe – that one day, just like them, you too shall be wealthy, because the 0.1% – who never gives anything away – is going to make it possible for you to be so? My friend, you are certifiable!

“Yes, my friends – this America of yours is what I find to be the true Wonderland, the true land down the rabbit hole. I would sooner trust Tweedledum and Tweedledee to run Wonderland than this carnival barker Trump, this bloodless ghoul Cruz, or any Republican – anywhere.”

The Mad Hatter leaned over and whispered something into Alice’s ear. Alice smiled and said: “My friend the Mad Hatter wanted you all to understand that at least his craziness had a good reason – mercury poisoning – but, other than sheer breathtaking stupidity, you people have no such valid excuse for your lunacy.

“And now I should very much like to continue to enjoy some real tea.”

© COPYRIGHT 2016 Tony Powers


Tony Powers is a born and dragged-up New Yorker. He has written hit songs, acted in hit movies (Jimmy Two-Times in Goodfellas), produced, directed, written and acted in award winning music videos, released an acclaimed CD, and currently blogs at http://barkinginthedark.com. For a complete overview of his bio see Wikipedia. He greatly appreciates any and all who read and/or listen to any of his works.