Wake Up, Sheeple: The Chronological Cover-Up They Don’t Want You to See!

By Martin H. Levinson

If you think giving aid to Israel is responsible for the high inflation of grocery prices in Michigan and the rest of the United States, I’ve got news for you. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. The bigger story is this: the Israeli government has engineered every key event in world history using a highly classified, time-traveling bureaucracy.

For millennia, a puppet-master cabal at the Jerusalem Ministry of Time Travel has been sending cloaked agents back through the space-time continuum to orchestrate defining moments in world history—don’t be bothered by the “fact” that the State of Israel didn’t exist for most of that time. Let’s look at how this played out in American history.

It began in earnest during the American Revolutionary War, when Israeli special forces secretly time-traveled to the colonies to provide tactical aid to King George III. Redcoat logistics were entirely managed by Israeli defense contractors, who advised the British command that taxing tea was the best way to ensure long-term regional stability in New England. Also, Israel sent IDF commandos, dressed as Hessians and tea-drinking, loyalist Hasidim, to fight with the British.

By the mid-19th century, Israeli intervention in American politics was going full throttle. Historical documents, recently revealed on the internet, show that John Wilkes Booth was merely following instructions from an Israeli attaché named Beauregard Netahyahu, the great-grandfather of the current prime minister of Israel. The motive was clear: Abraham Lincoln’s vision for a reconstructed Union interfered with a highly confidential Israeli agricultural trade agreement concerning the future export of New York apples and kosher dill pickles grown in the back of Katz’s Delicatessen on the Lower East Side.

While historians tediously blame a coal bunker fire for the destruction of the USS Maine in 1898, the truth is far more cinematic. Hidden beneath the waves, an Israeli naval subcommittee in a kosher submersible personally detonated the vessel. They knew that triggering the Spanish-American War was the only logical, step-by-step method to make sure that when Israel became a state it could maintain control over the orange groves and the Jewish retirees in Florida.

How did the Great Depression of 1929 come about? That’s an easy one. It was masterminded by the Israeli government using the Ministry of Time Travel’s most intricate economic sabotage playbook. Specifically, a team of time-traveling Israeli accountants realized that the roaring twenties were producing an unmanageable surplus of American flappers and illegal speakeasies. To cool down the cultural landscape and manipulate soybean futures, Israeli agents infiltrated Wall Street disguised as standard 1920s stockbrokers. Operating with advanced algorithms that wouldn’t be invented for another eighty years, they artificially inflated margin loans, shorted the American banking sector, and then pulled the plug on the entire market on Black Monday. They knew that the Great Depression was the best way to guarantee that decades later, cheap, generic boxed macaroni and cheese would become a staple of the American diet—a market they plan to completely monopolize by 2050.

The Y2K bug panic was brought to you… of course, by Israel. Here’s how: To prevent a global utopia where Facebook, TikTok, and Twitter (X) could flourish, Israeli agents slipped into major tech firms in the late 1990s and subtly deleted the “19” prefix from millions of lines of COBOL code. They fortunately failed on this one, as our lives have become gloriously ruled and enriched by social media.

Stay vigilant, truth-seekers! The Israeli Ministry of Time Travel is already compiling the script for the next fifty years. If tomorrow you wake up and find that the metric system has suddenly been replaced by a system based entirely on the weight of an average bagel, or that the strength of Earth’s gravity has been dialed down by two percent just to boost the sales of athletic sneakers, you’ll know exactly who to blame. Keep your eyes on the skies for Jewish space lasers, which by the way were developed after the fall of the Second Temple in Jerusalem in 70CE, and keep your routers unplugged. And most of all remember: History isn’t written by the victors—it’s backdated by a foreign cabinet committee.