Monica Lewinsky’s Reclaiming Podcast with Special Guest, Natalie Harp!

By David Comfort

MONICA: Good morning, everyone and welcome to Reclaiming. Today we have a very special guest — Natalie Harp, the President’s personal assistant…

Welcome, Natalie. You have a lot on your plate, Lord knows. Thank you for taking the time!

NATALIE:  You’re very welcome, Monica.

MONICA: We’ve never met, but I feel like I already know you!

NATALIE: Same here. I never miss your show!

MONICA: Seriously? Wow. Sweet. We try to tackle the hard subjects here – head on!

NATALIE:  You’re so brave. I have all your handbags.

MONICA:  Even the Mommie tote? For the printer? 

NATALIE:  Couldn’t live without it.

MONICA: Listen, I know the press can be a nuisance. How did you get here — trunk of the Beast, Catering Cart?

NATALIE:  Heavens, no. Stephen.

MONICA: Miller?

NATALIE:  He’s such a sweetheart.

MONICA: He certainly looks it.

NATALIE:  So misunderstood.

MONICA: Speaking of that, your relationship with the President is misunderstood, no?

NATALIE:  Hugely!

MONICA: You’ve said, correct me if I’m wrong: “You are all that matters to me”, “I want to bring you joy.”

NATALIE:  Is that a sin, Monica?

MONICA: Hey, I know the Shame Game – I’m a survivor as I know you are, girlfriend! Speaking of which, you’re cancer-free now — thanks to him?

NATALIE:  He’s my savior.

MONICA: You don’t mean like ah… Jesus, though, right?

NATALIE:  You’re Jewish?

MONICA: Not practicing but…

NATALIE: I don’t expect you to understand. 

MONICA: Jesus was Jewish.

NATALIE:  He converted to Christianity.

MONICA: If I remember correctly, Nat, he also cured Mary Magdalene. How many devils was it?

NATALIE:  Seven. Where are you going with this, Monica?

MONICA: She’s a saint. Who never let him down – like you!

NATALIE:  Never!

MONICA: Did she get $45,000, too?

NATALIE: It was Talents back then. And before Christmas.

MONICA: Sorry, I didn’t mean to get into religion. Let’s move along. I notice you like blue dresses – they look so stunning on you, by the way.

NATALIE:  The color of the firmament. The heavens!

MONICA: I’m assuming you ah… dry clean them regularly, the dresses?

NATALIE:  Handwash with Laundress Delicate.

MONICA: Full disclosure: my old boss loved a cigar in the Oval. What about yours on, say, a special occasion like his Big Beautiful Bill. Maybe one of his Presidential 47’s — the hand-rolled Dominicans?

NATALIE:  He doesn’t smoke, Monica. Or drink.

MONICA: Very health conscious. A germaphobe, he says. True?

NATALIE:  It’s a filthy, dirty world, Monica. I don’t have to tell you that.

MONICA: No indeed. Speaking of which, have you changed him? 

NATALIE: … Depends.

MONICA: On what?

NATALIE: If you mean his views, of course not. He’s never wrong.

MONICA: Of course not.

NATALIE: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, Monica?

MONICA: That’s what we’re all about here on Reclaiming, Nat: Honesty. Shoot!

NATALIE:  In your book you said, “I was the buffet and he just couldn’t resist the dessert.” Really? So sad!

MONICA: Sad but true, sister. Does that have resonance for you, do you feel…

NATALIE:  What? No! Jeepers. But he loves when I bring him Cherry Vanilla.

MONICA:  Yummie… In closing, where do you see yourself in 2029, Nat?

NATALIE:  … What? In the White House, silly!

MONICA: Right. But um… he’s such a hard worker, the President — 24/7. What if he decides to finally relax – maybe Mar-a-Lago, Saudi Arabia, Rikers?

NATALIE:  Whither thou goest, I shall go!

MONICA: OK, but hypothetically — if there’s no, you know, whither.

NATALIE: I’m not following.

MONICA: We’re all mortal, Nat, and he’s not getting any younger, and you’re what – only 35? You’re not ready to Reclaim your life?  

NATALIE:  Whosoever shall believe in me shall have eternal life!

MONICA: What – you?

NATALIE:  No – him!

MONICA: Well, good luck with that, Nat. But don’t forget there’s a safety net. Handbags! Jenny Craig! Saturday Night Live! Or can we hope for Natalie’s Story?

NATALIE:  Only if he says Yes.

MONICA: Now that’s fidelity, girlfriend.

NATALIE: Till death do us part!