Donny and Vladdy: A Play
By M.G. Crisci
4 March 2017
SETTING: We are the formal
meeting room at the Kremlin where a Russian President usually greets foreign
dignitaries. A large ornate oval table is filled with a variety of foods. There
are two chairs at opposite ends of the table.
AT RISE: The large doors open
and VLADIMIR PUTIN walks in. He shakes hands with DONALD TRUMP who has been
staring at the room's details.
TITLE: THE KREMLIN, MOSCOW
President Trump, please sit. Make
your self comfortable.
Nice place...reminds me of my
apartment on Fifth Avenue.
Similar yes, but Kremlin has BIGGER
No...my rooms are HUGE, REALLY HUGE.
(Trump spreads arms wide apart
to reinforce HUGENESS)
Perhaps. But my place has more gold.
MUCH, MUCH MORE GOLD.
(Putin raises his arms up and up)
MY PLACE? (pause) Where I come from
owning real estate means taking title and using the tax code to make income
taxes disappear. With respect, you're just a guy with rental lease that has no
option to buy clause.
Important correction. Guy with a
very, very long lease.
How long is long?
Long as I want it to be.
I thought your constitution had term
Yes and no. I always amend the
constitution. Watched Mayor Bloomberg add third term in New York City.
Changing the term limits of a Mayor
is a lot different than amending a country constitution.
Not in Russia. Voters here very
practical. Just want a man who won't take the usual crap from other world
leaders and can ride a brown bear in the forest without falling.
(Putin proudly passes a platter of
Enjoy Russian delicacy...Black Sea
So, reports are true!
Despite what you think you may have
heard, I'm not a racist. I love black people, Hispanics, Muslims, Jews, and
No offense. I simply meant you
appear to know little of the Russian way.
WRONGGGGG...My daughter IVANKA took
a class in Russian history at Warton.
Ivanka...nice Slavic name. KGB
paparazzi say she's a real hottie.
That's not very nice?
Why? Not true?
Of course it's true. But how would
you like it if I talked about your wife that way?
How you say in America? Wife
Lyudmila a five-star dog.
(Trump barks. The two men howl. Then
continue to eat and drink.)
President Putin, may I call you
No problem. Called lot worse by
Horrible Hillary and tall, skinny boy from Hawaii.
CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR. It's CROOKED
HILLARY and the boy is from KENYA.
Close but no cigar?...Pushkin,
Tolstoy, Dostoevsky never use such strange phrases. Make no sense.
Vladdy, trust me. In time, Pushkin,
Tolstoy, and that other guy will become best friends. Like Melania says, best
friends make the best deals.
Okay, Donnie. Personal question
Go for it. My life is an open book.
Curious. Explain wives. First smart
blonde Slav, then an dirty blonde American, then sexy brunette Slav.
What can I tell you, I'm attracted
to women that are smart and beautiful.
Explain ditsy Marla Maples.
Got me there. Mistake. HUGE mistake!
What's with the rest of them?
Not sure I understand your question.
Valdimir worldly. ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT one of my favorite shows.
Ever watch MY show THE APPRENTICE?
Never heard of. What's it about?
I make teams. Give them projects. If
they don't do well, I fire them. Makes them better people.
With respect, what's so interesting
about that? In Russia, I make teams. Give projects. If they don't do well,
visit Siberia. Doesn't make them better people.
Suppose I told you it was the number
one rated American television show for almost 10 years?
Donnie, I'm sorry. Hope I didn't
hurt your feelings. Vladimir speaks only the truth. Other European leaders tell
you what you want to hear, so you keep sending free money.
Is that a subminimal hint?
(Putin reaches for more smoked
What do you think?
My instinct tells me I can trust
what you say.
Don't be ridiculous. Nobody trust
Russians for a long time. World opinion RIGGED.
Even more importantly, Hollywood is
RIGGED. Television is RIGGED. Newspapers are RIGGED. The Internet is RIGGED.
Agree. Few years ago, I wrote an
editorial for THE NEW YORK TIMES Op-Ed page, say Russians want to be allies.
They laugh at my words.
THE NEW YORK TIMES! What the hell
did you expect? They called me emotionally unqualified, a womanizer, a
misogynist, a racist, egomaniacal.
How did you deal with problem?
I kicked their left-wing butt in the
election. But, once I won, America came together. Now everybody loves me.
Voters have even taken to the streets. It's very gratifying.
(makes a toast with coffee cup.)
I congratulate your success.
If I can fix THE NEW YORK TIMES,
there is no reason WE can't fix the fractured Russian-American relationship.
Not sure. Very difficult. Too much
WRONGGGG! WRONGGGG! TRY ME.
THE GREAT PATRIOTIC WAR.
What about it? Doesn't sound
What I tell you. 30 million Russians
die to defeat Hitler. Yet nobody in America remembers. Burns my ass for sixty
Vladdy, what's the big deal. It's
just a minor communications issue. I'll call my friend Chris Christie. He and
his team will make that little problem disappear.
George Washington Bridge Christie?
Good man. I like the way he handles his business.
We're in luck. Some of Chris's most
trusted advisors have a little free time right now. Maybe I can get them to
revise our elementary school history books.
Good, kill two birds with one stone:
Make Russians happy and create new American jobs.
Vladdy...and my advisors said you
didn't understand know America.
Who said that? I get air mail
edition of NEW YORK POST every day.
Airmail? Why don't you just download
the POST on the Internet?
Hey, not stupid. Too many Chinese
hackers. Suppose they steal my credit card information. Take my identity.
Better I send check in regular mail, like President Jimmy Carter.
Understand your frustration. That's
why eliminating digital hackers is my number one priority after rounding up
undocumented immigrants and muzzling Elizabeth Warren.
Maybe my buddies ALEX GANSA and
OLIVER STONE can help.
Vladdy, way ahead of you. My
Department of Homeland Security streams every episode of HOMELAND and has seen
the SNOWDEN movie twice.
(Putin looks around room to make
sure they are alone.)
Tell you a little secret...Oliver
Stone loves Russian smoked whitefish from the Black Sea and Trump Hotels.
Maybe I should invite him to the
White House, give him a film award in exchange for a few front row seats at the
Get four and I tell you another
Oliver believes NATO is a BIG
Vladdy, don't get me started on
that one. Twenty-eight companies in the club and we pay eighty percent of the
salaries. I've asked my NATO subcommittee to identify how our allies burn
through $400 billion a year.
No need for a subcommittee. My KGB
reports have detailed spending by category for the last five years. The report
also includes a step-by-step guide on how to drain the NATO swamp.
Excellent. By the way, what do you
think of my new Drain'Em slogan?
Love it! Better than Make America
More universal. Drain the Global
Climate Swamp...Drain the Muslim Extremists, Drain Nancy Pelosi and so on.
With all due respect, American
voters loved my slogan.
(Putin leans back in his chair.)
Donnie, hard to bullshit a
bullshitter. I watched the CNN election live. Wolf Blitzer reported white
supremacists and rednecks gave you the win.
(Trump enraged, Stands up. Face
turns bright orange.)
Blitzer, Jake Tappler, and Anderson
Cooper? They're a bunch of lying liberal pinkos who make THE NEW YORK TIMES
look like an ultra-conservative Bible.
Agree. That's why eighty per cent of
all Russian media State-owned. Freedom of Speech is for the birds.
In America, our constitution
guarantees every citizen the right to Freedom of Speech. It is a cornerstone of
Let's talk constitution another
time. This was get to know know you breakfast. Prefer to give you a little
gift. Russian custom.
Now that's the kind of stuff
Americans need to know about the Russian culture.
Lyudmila will deliver copy of KGB
defense report at your front desk. Nice pictures of the 43 NATO missile sites
aimed at Moscow.
Fine with me, but my ex-wives never
get involved in my business.
Good point. Forgot. Was busy making
snow for the Olympics during the divorce proceedings. I'll send YEKATERINA
(phonetically pronounced yet-das-se-nena.
Who is yet-a-dee?
My daughter. Beautiful like yours.
Just a little smarter.
She works in the business?
Part time only. She does TINGS. Like
in the American comedy classic, GODFATHER.
Another thing we agree on. I love
that movie too.
If you don't mind, one last
(Putin playfully turns head to the
right and left as if looking for somebody.)
Not good to use American slang
around here. Never know who is listening.
And they say Russians don't have a
sense of humor.
Who's they? Never mind. What is last
Mind if I share your missile report
with my generals?
No problem. Now that we are opening
dialogue, Yekaterina also deliver Russian Minister of Defense Report that lists
the 43 Russian sites pointed at Washington.
Does the report also have pictures
like the NATO report?
Absolutely! Russian generals have
the same problem as American and European generals...short attention span.
(Trump nods. The breakfast is
over. The men shake hands. The taller Trump pats Putin on the shoulder as he
heads toward a large gold door.)
Vladdy, I think this is the
beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Soglasen (phonetically Sun-gwas-in),
SETTING: Trump and Putin sit
alone in an unremarkable conference room overlooking a factory floor. In the
background are the sounds of screws entering metal, the hum of assembly lines,
and workers shouting instructions.
AT RISE: Two men sit across a small
table from each other.
TITLE: CARRIER PLANT, INDIANAPOLIS,
Hello Mr. America. Good to see you
again. Why you suggest we meet in such a noisy place?
I thought you might like to see the
American Heartland at work.
Long distance from Moscow. Had to
refuel at JFK. Really dirty bathrooms like Ethiopia and Somalia.
No worries. Modernizing airport
infrastructure is on my punch list.
Take your word for now. Double check
on progress during next trip to your Motherland.
I said HEARTLAND.
Why called Heartland?
(Trump walks over to the window
overlooking the factory floor. He waves to Putin to join him.)
See, this factory is filled with
proud American workers who are willing to work their ass off to provide for their
Russia same. Lots of pain-in-the-ass
families who want more. As a child born in communal apartment in Leningrad we
had little. Even in bitter cold winters. Now everybody wants wool coats and
gloves from Finland.
Last time Stalin invaded Finland, he
realized Fins made the warmest clothing in Europe. Understandable. Ever been to
Lapland in winter. Makes Siberia seem like a Caribbean resort.
Thanks for the insight, I'll make
sure my kids don't spend any money on a Lapland Trump Hotel hotel feasibility
study in Lapland. By the way, my aides said you were born in Meteheki, Georgia,
Not possible. Who says such things?
The respected German paper,
DEE-ZITTS, that's who.
Vladdy suggests you do fact check.
DIE ZEIT is the German equivalent of CNN. They make up shit. Everybody knows
Russia like America. You can't be President if not born Russian.
(To Be Continued...)
Manhattan born M.G. Crisci is the critically-acclaimed
author of ten books based on true stories or real events in the genres of literary
fiction, mystery, love and drama. He is also an internationally-recognized expert on consumer motivation
and behavior, and a thought-provoking East-West social activist. He has been
elected to Who’s Who in the World 21 times. For more information, visit