America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Donny and Vladdy: A Play
By M.G. Crisci

4 March 2017

 

Act I

Scene 1

SETTING: We are the formal meeting room at the Kremlin where a Russian President usually greets foreign dignitaries. A large ornate oval table is filled with a variety of foods. There are two chairs at opposite ends of the table.              

AT RISE:   The large doors open and VLADIMIR PUTIN walks in. He shakes hands with DONALD TRUMP who has been staring at the room's details.

TITLE: THE KREMLIN, MOSCOW

Putin

(warmly)

President Trump, please sit. Make your self comfortable.

Trump

(smiles warmly)

Nice place...reminds me of my apartment on Fifth Avenue.

PUTIN

(bullying)

Similar yes, but Kremlin has BIGGER rooms. No?

TRUMP

(shakes his head)

No...my rooms are HUGE, REALLY HUGE.

(Trump spreads arms wide apart to reinforce HUGENESS)

PUTIN

(playfully mimics Trump)

Perhaps. But my place has more gold. MUCH, MUCH MORE GOLD.

(Putin raises his arms up and up)

TRUMP

(matter-of-factly)

MY PLACE? (pause) Where I come from owning real estate means taking title and using the tax code to make income taxes disappear. With respect, you're just a guy with rental lease that has no option to buy clause.

PUTIN

Important correction. Guy with a very, very long lease.

TRUMP

How long is long?

PUTIN

Long as I want it to be.

TRUMP

I thought your constitution had term limits?

PUTIN

Yes and no. I always amend the constitution. Watched Mayor Bloomberg add third term in New York City.

TRUMP

(skeptical)

Changing the term limits of a Mayor is a lot different than amending a country constitution.

PUTIN

Not in Russia. Voters here very practical. Just want a man who won't take the usual crap from other world leaders and can ride a brown bear in the forest without falling.

(Putin proudly passes a platter of fish)

PUTIN

Enjoy Russian delicacy...Black Sea smoked whitefish.

TRUMP

(puzzled)

Black what?

PUTIN

(raises eyebrow)

So, reports are true!

TRUMP

Despite what you think you may have heard, I'm not a racist. I love black people, Hispanics, Muslims, Jews, and Gays. 

PUTIN

No offense. I simply meant you appear to know little of the Russian way.

TRUMP

(shakes his head)

WRONGGGGG...My daughter IVANKA took a class in Russian history at Warton.

PUTIN

(smiles)

Ivanka...nice Slavic name. KGB paparazzi say she's a real hottie.

TRUMP

(insulted)

That's not very nice?

PUTIN

(puzzled)

Why? Not true?

TRUMP

(contorted expression)

Of course it's true. But how would you like it if I talked about your wife that way?

PUTIN

(confident)

Never happen.

TRUMP

Why not?

PUTIN

(chuckles)

How you say in America? Wife Lyudmila a five-star dog.

(Trump barks. The two men howl. Then continue to eat and drink.)

TRUMP

President Putin, may I call you Vladdy?

PUTIN

(jokes)

No problem. Called lot worse by Horrible Hillary and tall, skinny boy from Hawaii.

TRUMP

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR. It's CROOKED HILLARY and the boy is from KENYA.

PUTIN

(confused)

Close but no cigar?...Pushkin, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky never use such strange phrases. Make no sense.

TRUMP

(confident)

Vladdy, trust me. In time, Pushkin, Tolstoy, and that other guy will become best friends. Like Melania says, best friends make the best deals.

PUTIN

(giggles)

Okay, Donnie. Personal question okay, Donne?

TRUMP

Go for it. My life is an open book.

PUTIN

Curious. Explain wives. First smart blonde Slav, then an dirty blonde American, then sexy brunette Slav.

TRUMP

(nods his head)

What can I tell you, I'm attracted to women that are smart and beautiful.

PUTIN

Explain ditsy Marla Maples.

TRUMP

(big smile)

Got me there. Mistake. HUGE mistake!

PUTIN

What's with the rest of them?

TRUMP

(troubled)

Not sure I understand your question.

PUTIN

(bragging)

Valdimir worldly. ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT one of my favorite shows.

TRUMP

Ever watch MY show THE APPRENTICE?

PUTIN

Never heard of. What's it about?

TRUMP

I make teams. Give them projects. If they don't do well, I fire them. Makes them better people.

PUTIN

(confused)

With respect, what's so interesting about that? In Russia, I make teams. Give projects. If they don't do well, visit Siberia. Doesn't make them better people.

TRUMP

Suppose I told you it was the number one rated American television show for almost 10 years?

PUTIN

Donnie, I'm sorry. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings. Vladimir speaks only the truth. Other European leaders tell you what you want to hear, so you keep sending free money.

TRUMP

Is that a subminimal hint?

(Putin reaches for more smoked salmon. Pauses.)

PUTIN

What do you think?

TRUMP

My instinct tells me I can trust what you say.

PUTIN

Don't be ridiculous. Nobody trust Russians for a long time. World opinion RIGGED.

TRUMP

Even more importantly, Hollywood is RIGGED. Television is RIGGED. Newspapers are RIGGED. The Internet is RIGGED.

PUTIN

(nodding)

Agree. Few years ago, I wrote an editorial for THE NEW YORK TIMES Op-Ed page, say Russians want to be allies. They laugh at my words.

TRUMP

(irate)

THE NEW YORK TIMES! What the hell did you expect? They called me emotionally unqualified, a womanizer, a misogynist, a racist, egomaniacal.

PUTIN

(curious)

How did you deal with problem?

TRUMP

(with bravado)

I kicked their left-wing butt in the election. But, once I won, America came together. Now everybody loves me. Voters have even taken to the streets. It's very gratifying.

PUTIN

(makes a toast with coffee cup.)

I congratulate your success.

TRUMP

If I can fix THE NEW YORK TIMES, there is no reason WE can't fix the fractured Russian-American relationship.

PUTIN

(wavers)

Not sure. Very difficult. Too much historical baggage.

TRUMP

WRONGGGG! WRONGGGG! TRY ME.

PUTIN

THE GREAT PATRIOTIC WAR.

TRUMP

(stares blankly)

What about it? Doesn't sound familiar.

PUTIN

(chagrined)

What I tell you. 30 million Russians die to defeat Hitler. Yet nobody in America remembers. Burns my ass for sixty years.

TRUMP

(pauses)

Vladdy, what's the big deal. It's just a minor communications issue. I'll call my friend Chris Christie. He and his team will make that little problem disappear.

PUTIN

(pleased)

George Washington Bridge Christie? Good man. I like the way he handles his business.

TRUMP

We're in luck. Some of Chris's most trusted advisors have a little free time right now. Maybe I can get them to revise our elementary school history books.

PUTIN

Good, kill two birds with one stone: Make Russians happy and create new American jobs.

TRUMP

(teases)

Vladdy...and my advisors said you didn't understand know America.

PUTIN

(matter-of-fact)

Who said that? I get air mail edition of NEW YORK POST every day.

TRUMP

Airmail? Why don't you just download the POST on the Internet?

PUTIN

Hey, not stupid. Too many Chinese hackers. Suppose they steal my credit card information. Take my identity. Better I send check in regular mail, like President Jimmy Carter.

TRUMP

Understand your frustration. That's why eliminating digital hackers is my number one priority after rounding up undocumented immigrants and muzzling Elizabeth Warren.

PUTIN

Maybe my buddies ALEX GANSA and OLIVER STONE can help.

TRUMP

Vladdy, way ahead of you. My Department of Homeland Security streams every episode of HOMELAND and has seen the SNOWDEN movie twice.

(Putin looks around room to make sure they are alone.)

PUTIN

Tell you a little secret...Oliver Stone loves Russian smoked whitefish from the Black Sea and Trump Hotels.

TRUMP

Maybe I should invite him to the White House, give him a film award in exchange for a few front row seats at the Oscars.

PUTIN

Get four and I tell you another secret.

TRUMP

Deal.

PUTIN

Oliver believes NATO is a BIG rip-off.

TRUMP

Vladdy, don't get me started on that one. Twenty-eight companies in the club and we pay eighty percent of the salaries. I've asked my NATO subcommittee to identify how our allies burn through $400 billion a year.

PUTIN

(laughs)

No need for a subcommittee. My KGB reports have detailed spending by category for the last five years.  The report also includes a step-by-step guide on how to drain the NATO swamp.

TRUMP

Excellent. By the way, what do you think of my new Drain'Em slogan?

PUTIN

Love it! Better than Make America Great Again.

TRUMP

Why's that?

PUTIN

More universal. Drain the Global Climate Swamp...Drain the Muslim Extremists, Drain Nancy Pelosi and so on.

TRUMP

(displeased)

With all due respect, American voters loved my slogan.

(Putin leans back in his chair.)

PUTIN

Donnie, hard to bullshit a bullshitter. I watched the CNN election live. Wolf Blitzer reported white supremacists and rednecks gave you the win.

(Trump enraged, Stands up. Face turns bright orange.)

TRUMP

(twists face)

Blitzer, Jake Tappler, and Anderson Cooper? They're a bunch of lying liberal pinkos who make THE NEW YORK TIMES look like an ultra-conservative Bible. 

PUTIN

Agree. That's why eighty per cent of all Russian media State-owned. Freedom of Speech is for the birds. 

TRUMP

In America, our constitution guarantees every citizen the right to Freedom of Speech. It is a cornerstone of our democracy.

PUTIN

(interrupts)

Let's talk constitution another time. This was get to know know you breakfast. Prefer to give you a little gift. Russian custom.

TRUMP

Now that's the kind of stuff Americans need to know about the Russian culture.

PUTIN

Lyudmila will deliver copy of KGB defense report at your front desk. Nice pictures of the 43 NATO missile sites aimed at Moscow.

TRUMP

(confused)

Fine with me, but my ex-wives never get involved in my business.

PUTIN

(smiles)

Good point. Forgot. Was busy making snow for the Olympics during the divorce proceedings. I'll send YEKATERINA (phonetically pronounced yet-das-se-nena.

TRUMP

Who is yet-a-dee?

PUTIN

My daughter. Beautiful like yours. Just a little smarter.

TRUMP

She works in the business?

PUTIN

(chuckles)

Part time only. She does TINGS. Like in the American comedy classic, GODFATHER.

TRUMP

Another thing we agree on. I love that movie too.

PUTIN

See progress.

TRUMP

If you don't mind, one last question.

Putin

Shoot!

(Putin playfully turns head to the right and left as if looking for somebody.)

PUTIN

Not good to use American slang around here. Never know who is listening.

TrUMP

And they say Russians don't have a sense of humor.

PUTIN

Who's they? Never mind. What is last question?

TRUMP

Mind if I share your missile report with my generals?

PUTIN

No problem. Now that we are opening dialogue, Yekaterina also deliver Russian Minister of Defense Report that lists the 43 Russian sites pointed at Washington.

TRUMP

Does the report also have pictures like the NATO report?

PUTIN

Absolutely! Russian generals have the same problem as American and European generals...short attention span.

(Trump nods. The breakfast is over. The men shake hands. The taller Trump pats Putin on the shoulder as he heads toward a large gold door.)

TRUMP

Vladdy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

PUTIN

(agrees in Russian)

Soglasen (phonetically Sun-gwas-in), Donnie. Soglasen.

BLACKOUT.

Scene 2

SETTING: Trump and Putin sit alone in an unremarkable conference room overlooking a factory floor. In the background are the sounds of screws entering metal, the hum of  assembly lines, and workers shouting instructions.

AT RISE: Two men sit across a small table from each other.

TITLE: CARRIER PLANT, INDIANAPOLIS, IN

PUTIN

Hello Mr. America. Good to see you again. Why you suggest we meet in such a noisy place?

TRUMP

I thought you might like to see the American Heartland at work.

PUTIN

Long distance from Moscow. Had to refuel at JFK. Really dirty bathrooms like Ethiopia and Somalia.

TRUMP

No worries. Modernizing airport infrastructure is on my punch list.

PUTIN

Take your word for now. Double check on progress during next trip to your Motherland.

TRUMP

I said HEARTLAND.

PUTIN

Why called Heartland?

(Trump walks over to the window overlooking the factory floor. He waves to Putin to join him.)

TRUMP

See, this factory is filled with proud American workers who are willing to work their ass off to provide for their families.

PUTIN

Russia same. Lots of pain-in-the-ass families who want more. As a child born in communal apartment in Leningrad we had little. Even in bitter cold winters. Now everybody wants wool coats and gloves from Finland.

TRUMP

Why Finland?

PUTIN

Last time Stalin invaded Finland, he realized Fins made the warmest clothing in Europe. Understandable. Ever been to Lapland in winter. Makes Siberia seem like a Caribbean resort.

TRUMP

Thanks for the insight, I'll make sure my kids don't spend any money on a Lapland Trump Hotel hotel feasibility study in Lapland. By the way, my aides said you were born in Meteheki, Georgia, not Leningrad.

PUTIN

Not possible. Who says such things?

TRUMP

The respected German paper, DEE-ZITTS, that's who.

PUTIN

(laughs)

Vladdy suggests you do fact check. DIE ZEIT is the German equivalent of CNN. They make up shit. Everybody knows Russia like America. You can't be President if not born Russian.

(To Be Continued...)


Manhattan born M.G. Crisci is the critically-acclaimed author of ten books based on true stories or real events in the genres of literary fiction, mystery, love and drama. He is also an internationally-recognized expert on consumer motivation and behavior, and a thought-provoking East-West social activist. He has been elected to Who’s Who in the World 21 times. For more information, visit www.mgcrisci.com