Welcome to the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library and Gift Shop

By Martin H. Levinson

Welcome to the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library and Gift Shop (aka Trump Tower South), located in beautiful downtown Miami (aka Cuba North). To help make your visit pleasant and productive, the following is a brief description of some of the rooms and merch inside the building.

THE HALL OF TWEETS

This area contains prominent tweets issued by DJT, many of them when he was in the Oval or on an oval. Among the chirps are the famous “covfefe” tweet,” a short, half-finished message that Trump posted in 2017 using the word “covfefe;” the “nuclear button tweet,” wherein Trump said that he had a nuclear button that was “much bigger” than Kim Jong Un’s; and the “2025-outburst tweet,” in which Trump suggested that Democratic lawmakers who urged military personnel to ignore “illegal orders” had committed “sedition, punishable by DEATH” and that they should be “ARRESTED AND PUT ON TRIAL.” At you exit the Hall you can sign a petition asking that the Pulitzer Prize Board establish a category for Tweets and that DJT be its first recipient.

The Pantheon of Stupendous Short-term Political Appointees

This room contains portraits of Michael Flynn, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, and lots of other notable Trump Administration officials who served the president well before being fired from their jobs. Next to their visages are brief accounts of the questionable behavior they engaged in while working for the government as well as ballots where you can rate each individual on a head-explosion scale that goes from unbelievably great to amazingly, astoundingly, mind-bogglingly great. Photos may not be taken in this room but after viewing the portraits you may take antidepressant medication if you have it with you.

The Gallery of Incredible Achievements

This opulent space, which features gold accents, gilded furnishings, and ornate, triumphant motifs reminiscent of Louis XIV Versailles, has displays that celebrate some of the most amazing accomplishments that President Trump has had during his two terms in office. Among them are setting a record for being impeached twice in one term, imposing tariffs on America’s allies that have raised distrust, disrupted defensive ties, and reduced the number of foreign visitors coming to the United States; attaining record-setting federal deficits, doing away with 800,000 clean energy jobs and student relief like Pell Grants, and moving the bar for presidents who have told the most lies to the American public.

The Bitcoin Basilica

A sacred place of digital devotion designed to resemble a cathedral, this venue contains the holy of holies, a $TRUMP meme coin, an official Solana-based token launched in January 2025. It also contains computers where you can go online, create an account, and buy said token. Please note that official medals, such as the Donald J. Trump Bronze Medal, can be purchased directly at the US Mint. Private medals can be purchased in the gift shop, where if you tell the cashier “The magnificent MAGA movement is making America great again” you will be given a 2 percent discount.

The Reading Room

This room contains shelves of blank book covers embossed with Trump’s name in 24-karat gold lettering. Descriptions on the walls explain that Trump believes it is better to “feel the vibe” of literature rather than suffer through it, and that he prefers to consume information through television, social media, and oral briefings. The only actual book in the room is a rotating copy of The Art of the Deal, which is on sale in the gift shop with or without text and with or without Trump’s signature—books with Trump’s imprimatur can be bought if you donate $10,000 to DJT’s 2028 presidential campaign and promise to support Trump’s claims that the 22nd Amendment, which says the president can only be elected for two terms, does not apply to him.

The Gift Shop

The gift shop, which is larger than the library itself, offers a vast array of fabulous, fantastic, incredible, unbelievable merchandise that many people are saying is the best merch in the world. Among the wonderful items sold in this exceptionally magnificent, one-of-a-kind emporium are snow globes that contain tiny bits of subpoenas, limited edition wall mirrors with inbuilt speakers that declare “You are the fairest of them all,” faux-platinum paperweights labeled “Executive Privilege,” reality distortion sunglasses—blocks out news that is not “winning,” silver-plated Constitutions with amendments Trump would have liked to have been included in the original document, and Melania Trump’s specially formulated skin cream that says, “Beauty may be only skin deep, but if that skin is married to the President of the United States you will  be able to star in, direct, and produce your own movie.” Those wanting a piece of history can buy a mug that features a mugshot of DJT taken after his arrest relating to the 2020 election case in Georgia with the caption “Presidential Blend: Arresting Flavor.”