Caligula/Trump: Brothers from Different Mothers?

by David Comfort

Two thousand years ago, the Roman Empire was called the greatest power on earth, but under the reign if its 3rd emperor, Germanicus J. Caesar, citizens began to wonder. Today, the United States of America, modeled after the Roman republic, is called the greatest power on earth, but under the reign of its 47^th president, Donald J. Trump, citizens are beginning to wonder.

Let’s look at the two leaders now to see if history may be repeating itself, and if reincarnation might not be fake news from the Dumocrats.

RISE TO POWER

CALIGULA: Soldiers nickname him “Little Boot” (meaning Caligula).

He never serves in the military but becomes Commander-in-Chief.

TRUMP: Soldiers nickname him “Bone Spur.”

He never serves in the military but becomes Commander-in-Chief.

CALIGULA: Senators give him “the power to decide on all affairs,” and exempt him from all laws (princeps legibus solutus).

TRUMP: Senators and SCOTUS give him the power to decide on all affairs and, to date, have exempted him from all laws.

CALIGULA: Taking office, he says, “I can have anyone’s throat cut here and now.”

TRUMP: Running for office, he says, “I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and not lose any voters.”

MEGALOMANIA

CALIGULA: Dressed as Apollo, he demands Romans worship him as the New Sun.

TRUMP: Dressed as Jesus, he demands Americans worship him as the Chosen One.

CALIGULA: Erects a life-sized, gold statue of himself in his Temple of Jupiter.

TRUMP: Erects a 22-foot gold statue of himself on his Doral golf course.

CALIGULA: Installs a life-sized, gold statue of himself in the Temple of Jerusalem. Jews riot.

TRUMP: Honored with self-memorials in Israel’s Petah Tikva, Kiryat Yam, and Golan Heights. Jews don’t riot.

REIGN OF TERROR

CALIGULA: Executes thirty patriotic senators for treason.

(Survivors praise him for not executing them, too.)

TRUMP: Proposes executing patriotic Biden, Obama, and Pence.

(Supporters praise him for not demanding their executions, too.)

CALIGULA: Makes senators kiss his feet, then watch while he rapes their wives.

TRUMP: Gives aides shoes that are too big, and boasts that women let him grab their genitals.

(When asked if there is any limit to his power, he says, “Yeah, my own morality. It’s the only thing that can stop me.”)

CALIGULA: Kills his general, Macro, for treason. Replaces him with his horse, Incinatus.

TRUMP: Threatens to kill his general, Milley, for treason. Replaces him with Fox host, Pete.

CALIGULA: Drives his cousin, Gemellus, to suicide.

TRUMP: Calls his niece, Mary, an “outcast” for writing How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man. (Has yet to persuade the psychologist to kill herself.)

WAR

CALIGULA: After he abandons a plan to invade Britain, his officers return with seashells which he calls “the spoils of the conquered ocean.”

TRUMP: After he abandons a plan to invade of Greenland, his officers hand out MAGA hats and cookies to Greenlanders (which they reject).

PUBLIC WORKS

CALIGULA: Builds vanity monuments, amphitheaters, and a circus.

Renovates the Theatre of Pompey, adding his name to the facade.

TRUMP: Builds a vanity ballroom, Arch de Trump, and the UFC Claw.

Renovates Kennedy Center, adding his name to the facade.

CALIGULA: Removes heads from statues of gods, replacing them with his own.

TRUMP: Still waiting on Mount Rushmore.

MONEY

CALIGULA: Year 1: Spends an extra 2.7 billion sesterces ($10 billion today), exhausting the Roman treasury.

TRUMP: Year 1: Spends an extra $3.8 Trillion, ballooning the U.S. national deficit.

CALIGULA: Forces rich Romans to name him their heir, then murders them to collect.

TRUMP: Forces poor countries to pay $1 billion each to join his Board of Peace (all funds disappear in a private JP Morgan account).

CALIGULA: Gilds his palace in gold, sits on a gold throne, swims in his imperial pool filled with gold coins engraved with his bust.

TRUMP: Gilds his White House, shits on a gold throne, mints a 24-karat gold commemorative coin engraved with his bust.

CALIGULA: After his death, all his coins are melted down.

TRUMP: Working on a $250 bill (though, by law, he must be dead first.)

HEALTH

CALIGULA: Sleeps 3 hours a night. Nods off during meetings. Denies nodding off.

TRUMP: Sleeps 3 hours a night. Nods off during meetings. Denies nodding off.

CALIGULA: Suffers near fatal illness. Doctors don’t reveal the cause.

(Rome Rumor: cause is his over-indulgence in Flamingo tongues, sow’s womb, and Opimian Merlot.

TRUMP: Suffers stroke, cankles, cadaver-hand, venous insufficiency. Doctors don’t reveal cause.

(D.C. Rumor: cause is his over-indulgence in BigMacs, Pigs in a Blanket, and Diet Cokes.)

SPORTS

CALIGULA: Hosting gladiator games in his Amphitheatrum Caligulae, he dresses as Hercules.

TRUMP: Hosts MMA games in his UFC Freedom 250 arena, he dresses as Superman, Rambo, and James Bond.

SEX

CALIGULA: Says he has sex with the moon goddess Selene.

TRUMP: Says he regrets not having sex with Princess Diana.

CALIGULA: Gaius Julius procures girls for his Lake Nemi getaways.

(After a falling out, he threatens to kill his good friend.)

TRUMP: Jeffery Epstein is rumored to procure girls for his Lolita Island getaways.

(After a falling out, he says his ”fun-to-be-with, terrific guy” is “dead” to him.)

DEATH

CALIGULA: Escapes three assassinations, killed in fourth by his Praetorian guards.

TRUMP: Escapes three alleged assassinations, saved by his Secret Service.