America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Donald Trump to Moderate Upcoming Republican Debate

Trump

Speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on February 10, 2011.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

10 January 2016

Donald Trump announced today that he will be moderating an upcoming Republican candidates debate on the Fox network.

When reporters asked if this wasn’t a bit odd since he himself was still a candidate Trump replied: “Hey, that’s for me to know and you to find out. But just let me say this: I have an incredibly yuge amount of money – you figure it out.”

Barking in the Dark has recently had the rare privilege of receiving an advance copy of the questions that moderator Donald Trump will be posing to the Republican candidates in their upcoming 2016 debate in Des Moines, Iowa. We received this list from someone close to the Trump organization and under a pledge of confidentiality…but since it wasn’t a pledge made to Grover Norquist we see no reason not to make these questions public.

In the interest of being factual this is Trump’s own “script,” including Trump’s “ad libs,” his seemingly “off-the-cuff” remarks, which will demonstrate how “quick” he is.

And now Barking in the Dark is honored to present in its entirety, the un-edited, un-annotated, unexpurgated, script that The Donald wrote himself and will be using to moderate this upcoming Republican debate…incidentally, over their objections, the candidates have not received this script in advance. Here it is:


(DONALD: NOTE TO SELF – WAVE TO THE AUDIENCE AS YOU ENTER…SLOWLY, MAJESTICALLY, YET HUMBLY. APPEAR TO BE A “MAN OF THE PEOPLE”. YOU MAY SMILE – BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. AS YOU TAKE YOUR SEAT BEHIND THE MODERATOR’S DESK LOOK VERY THOUGHTFUL AND – THIS IS CRITICAL – WITH THE PROVIDED MONTBLANC BLACK EXECUTIVE PEN IN HAND ALWAYS APPEAR TO TAKE NOTES AS EACH CANDIDATE SPEAKS.

PAUSE, LOOK THOUGHTFULLY INTO CAMERA (NOW SMILE WARMLY AND SAY:)

Hello Des Moines,

(WAVE IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF WHAT WILL NO DOUBT BE AN INCREDIBLY HUGE AMOUNT OF APPLAUSE. KEEP SMILING THEN: TURN SERIOUS – JUST WAIT FOR UNBELIEVABLY LOUD APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN.)

THEN SAY:

Candidates, Ladies and gentleman in the audience, and everyone watching out there in television land, and all over the world and the universe, I humbly welcome you all to this Fox TV Republican Presidential Candidates debate which I, Donald Trump – The Donald – (SMILE) – have the incredibly fabulous honor of
moderating. So without further ado let’s get to my really important and unbelievably wonderful and fabulously well thought out questions.

My first question – and, by the way, I think it’s a terrific question – goes to my very dear friend Carly Fiorina. And may I say that I think we’d make an incredibly
attractive ticket. I would love to have you…as my Vice-President I mean. (WINK, LAUGH)

(SMILE. WAIT UNTIL HUGE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING DIES DOWN)

Carly, honey, did you not read my terrific best-selling book The Art of the Deal only $12.95 at all book stores and online at Amazon.com?

(HOLD UP MY BOOK THE ART OF THE DEAL)

I have to ask because I have a feeling you couldn’t have since you ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground. And, in a related question: wouldn’t you agree that my lovely wife Melania dresses beautifully…and by the way, (SMILE) I do help her pick out her dresses…so my other question to you is: Why do you think Melania dresses better than you? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF – LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER SHE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – REMEMBER: ALWAYS LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT – THEN:)

My next question goes to my very dear friend Senator Marco Rubio…Ruby, (BIG SMILE) I can call him Ruby because we’re real close, Ruby, you’ve written a book called American Dreams – it didn’t sell as well as mine but, in a related question, why do you think that my fabulously successful and unbelievably great best-selling book The Art of the Deal, …

(HOLD UP ART OF THE DEAL UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR QUESTION)

…has served as a terrific blueprint for you? And, how many times have you gone to it for advice in your business dealings? Also, you have said we need a fence on our border with Mexico. Why do you think my wall would be better? You have one minute to answer.

(NOTE TO SELF – LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – REMEMBER: ALWAYS LOOK THOUGHTFUL AND WAIT FOR HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN – THEN:)

Well…my son Donald Jr’s excellent and incredibly thorough research says my wall would be a much better way to keep out all the rapists and murderers that come here from Mexico and, incidentally, your parents are immigrants aren’t they? They could have hopped your fence, but could they have climbed my wall? I don’t think so.

(WAIT FOR HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN – THEN:)

This next question is for my very dear friend Dr. Ben Carson. And Benny, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. Benny, although we only ran into each other once in a hotel corridor for two and a half minutes, I feel we are incredibly close. As does my unbelievably handsome son Donald Jr. who is the executive Vice-President of The Trump Organization, and my incredibly fabulous beautiful daughter Ivanka who founded The Trump Hotel Collection. By the way, they both look a lot like me (BIG SMILE – ADDRESS AUDIENCE) huh? They do, right? Good looking eh?

(WAIT FOR HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN – THEN:)

Anyway, Benny, and I can call him that because we’re so close – And, you know, the blacks really love me. So Benny, your net worth has been estimated at somewhere between nine and ten million dollars…So my question is: Have you ever considered taking a permanent suite in Trump World Tower? And, as a follow up question when can I Montblanc you in for a tour of the available suites in Trump World Tower at 845 United Nations Plaza? And, for all of you watching this unbelievably fantastic event, the Trump World Tower phone number for sales and rental information is 212) 247-7000. You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF – LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES – REMEMBER: ALWAYS LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN – THEN:)

Thank you Benny for that excellent answer to an even more excellent question.

My next well thought out question is for my very very dear friend Governor Chris Christie. Chris, as you know, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. But, be that as it may, Governor – will you admit tonight in front of the millions watching this amazing historic event that it was me who kept pounding at the “birther” issue when you dropped the ball? You did hint that Obama is a Muslim but you just let it go. Why? I still have yet to see Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate. And, as a follow up question Governor, do you know anybody in your Jersey Shore circle of friends who knew him at Harvard? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES AS HE SPEAKS… LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN – THEN:)

Thank you for that excellent answer to that VERY tough and probing question. This next question goes to my other very, very dear friend up here Senator Rick Santorum. And Ricky, I don’t say this kind of thing to anyone but, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President. Ricky, it’s been said that you are virulently anti-gay, Can you tell me how any of my unbelievably fabulous Trump Hotels, like The Trump International Hotel and Tower Chicago at http://www.trumpchicago.com, or the colossally amazing Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City could put on one of their incredibly fabulous main room shows, or unbelievably tremendous lounge shows, without the gays? Can you? Hmm? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: IF ANYONE IN THE DES MOINES CROWD BOOS OR HISSES JUST WAIT – THEN SAY: WELL, YOU FOLKS CERTAINLY ENJOY
ALL THOSE TV DANCING SHOWS – DON’T YOU? RIGHT? (BIG SMILE) THEN CONTINUE.)

Of course – we love the gays. Incidentally, the Trump Taj Mahal is at 1000 Boardwalk, Atlantic City, NJ 08401-7415, at Trumptaj.com or call (609) 449-1000 for rates and reservations. And, Ricky, as a follow up question, without the fabulous help of the gays how do you suppose I’d be able to put on the incredible Trump Miss Universe, unbelievable Trump Miss USA, or hugely successful tremendous Trump Miss Teen USA pageants? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK VERY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS AND TAKE NOTES AS HE SPEAKS…LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN – THEN:)

Thank you for that excellent answer Senator. My next very important and insightful question goes to another of my very dear dear friends Senator Rand Paul. Senator, I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket with you as my Vice-President, but, in view of your stance against universal health care, what do I tell all the wonderful middle age folk and senior citizens who flock to all my fabulous Trump properties? Now, before you answer, let it be said, some of these amazing and wonderful senior citizens have had on premises seizures – and, I might add; receive the best possible care from my fantastically terrific on-premises medical staff, although, it is entirely possible that we might be facing huge cutbacks in these health care services. You have one minute.

NOTE TO SELF: LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU LISTEN AND TAKE NOTES. WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

This brings me to the last question of the evening and it goes to my very dear friend Senator Ted Cruz. Teddy, regarding my wall – just how high can your kind of people climb? You have one minute.

(NOTE TO SELF: LOOK EXTREMELY INTERESTED IN WHATEVER HE SAYS, AND TAKE NOTES AS HE SPEAKS… LOOK THOUGHTFUL AS YOU WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. AND ALL DURING THIS NEXT
SPEECH HOLD UP MY TERRIFIC BOOK “THE ART OF THE DEAL” AND HOLD IT UP UNTIL THE END OF THE SHOW. NOW SAY:)

Teddy, you’re really a Canadian citizen…aren’t you?

(LISTEN, TAKE NOTES, IGNORE HIS ANSWER AND SAY:)

Well, again – my son Donald’ Jr’s excellent and incredibly thorough investigation proves that you are a Canadian citizen, so you should quit this race immediately. And, incidentally, my people who also proved that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim also have incontrovertible proof that you are in fact a Canadian.

(LISTEN, TAKE NOTES, IGNORE HIS ANSWER AND SAY:)

Well, you should quit and I know you are a Canadian citizen and the American people deserve the truth about this. I’m right, huh folks? Hey, when you’re right you’re right! He should quit!

(ENCOURAGE APPLAUSE – DO NOT LET HIM RESPOND – CUT HIM OFF – NOW - WRAP IT UP BIG DON)

I wish each of you as much success as my wildly successful book “The Art of the Deal”. Only $12.95 at all book stores and online at Amazon.com. Now – each of you will have one minute to summarize your positions. And, may I add that just as my wildly successful huge NBC shows The Apprentice, and The Celebrity Apprentice – check your local listings for date and time – you candidates are, in essence, auditioning for a position in the business of America. And – if we don’t like you we will all say –

(STAND UP, SMILE, AND WITH BOTH ARMS EXTENDED REACH OUT TO TV AUDIENCE AND SAY:)

Come on, say it with me America… (CONDUCT THEM)

YOU’RE FIRED!

(LISTEN VERY THOUGHTFULLY TO ALL THE CLOSING BULLSHIT AS YOU TAKE NOTES – LOOK INTERESTED IN WHATEVER NONSENSE THEY SAY AND THEN WAIT FOR THE HUGE APPLAUSE TO DIE DOWN. THEN:)

This brings to a close a fantastically amazing and enlightening evening of the Republican candidates for the highest office in the land debating the most important and pressing issues of our time. Issues I know all of you ordinary people out there in America are interested in hearing about. I know you’ll all agree with me that we all heard some terrific answers to my unbelievably amazing, and fabulously insightful  questions tonight. I am Donald Trump. Goodnight, be well, and lots of luck.

(KEEP HOLDING UP BOOK. BIG SMILE. WAVE. WAIT A BEAT THEN SAY)

Be watching next week when I will interview myself. I promise it will be huge. Check your local Fox TV listings for exact date and time.

(NOW GIVE THE CAMERA YOUR MOST INCREDIBLY SERIOUS LOOK AND HOLD EYE CONTACT – NO BLINKING HERE BIG DON – UNTIL STAGE MGR. YELLS “WE’RE OUT.”)

© COPYRIGHT 2015 Tony Powers


Tony Powers is a born and dragged-up New Yorker. He has written hit songs, acted in hit movies (Jimmy Two-Times in Goodfellas), produced, directed, written and acted in award winning music videos, released an acclaimed CD, and currently blogs at http://barkinginthedark.com. For a complete overview of his bio see Wikipedia. He greatly appreciates any and all who read and/or listen to any of his works.