Trump to Tax the World via New VASSAL Tax

by Dan Geddes

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump today announced his plan to make all citizens of the world pay a new VASSAL tax, which he called a “sort of a tribute” to the US government.

Speaking from the Oval Office, Trump argued: “Why should people in all other countries enjoy the benefits of an America-led economic system and not have to pay for it? Why do they think they can keep using our beautiful US dollars and give us nothing in return? It isn’t fair to America.

“You make us pay VAT, so we will make you pay VASSAL.”

Trump stated that the new tax, called VASSAL (Value Added Security Surcharge for All Lands) is “not exactly a tax. It’s called a reverse surcharge mechanism. Or something. The IRS people can explain it. They’re smart people. It shall be paid by the people of the world to the US Treasury—sort of a tribute for defending the countries of the world, the good countries, from the bad countries.

“People in Latin America, Europe, Asia, Africa, and even Antarctica and Greenland should pay their fair share for US defense, foreign aid, and cultural leadership—including some pretty good TV and movies. Not those woke Disney movies.

“We are already defending all of these countries with our beautiful new Department of War. But it costs lots of dollars.”

Trump admitted that a handful of countries would be exempted from the new VASSAL tax.

“We won’t be taxing the Vatican. They’ve been around much longer than we have. And they are basically just a very big church. They do good things. Mostly. They’ve had some problems, but they’re good people. As the Pope once said to me: ‘Pax Americana Vobiscum’.

“Our good friend Israel will not be expected to pay. They’ve been through a lot.

“And the UK is our mother country. We love the royal family. We do.”

As for Russia, Iran, and North Korea: “We don’t want their dirty oil money. Stronger sanctions are coming and they won’t be able to pay anyway.”

Trump admitted that it “might be tough to collect from China”, so he planned to raise the tariffs even more. “Too bad, China.”

Trump stated that he was “exploring” the option of dispatching IRS agents along with US Marine units to collect the tax from non-compliant countries. Trump admitted that the USA’s 1,000 bases across the world in 80 countries would be a useful “forward deployment” in collecting the VASSAL tax from “deadbeat countries.”

Many world leaders, still reeling from the ever-changing Trump tariffs, were too stunned to react.

France quickly threatened to retaliate with a cultural heritage tax, “perhaps via UNESCO,” to compensate France for its “unique contributions to world culture”. French Minister of Culture Pepé Duchamp argued that: “Everyone who lives and breathes Western culture and civilization is breathing French culture and civilization. We invented it, as surely as we invented French fries and the croissant. It is time to claim our royalties.” UNESCO spokesmen distanced themselves from the French cultural tax scheme, which was quickly withdrawn

Germany promised to start paying the VASSAL tax in advance on behalf of its citizens. “We are still grateful to the US for convincing us that they did not blow up our Nord Stream pipeline and cripple our industrial economy. Now we can all move on,” stated Interior Minister Karl Klink. “We are excited to be part of the VASSAL system.” However, Bundestag member Gretchen Hexner created a political firestorm by wondering aloud if the US liberation forces stationed at Ramstein and other bases since 1945 “would ever be leaving or would be retrained as tax inspectors.”

Trump tried to sell the benefits of the tax for mutual defense: “Look: If the aliens ever come and attack us like they did in that movie Independence Day, you will be happy for every dollar that you ever paid us—for your own defense against the hordes of alien invaders. From space.

“One day you may even wish you had paid us more tax. Believe me.

“People in All Countries Should Pay US VASSAL Tax,” concluded Trump. “For the common good. And it’s not really a tax anyway.”