A recent study stated that “The keys to a high-quality life after age 60 are health, money, and having a meaningful life.”  Ah, if it were only that simple!  Sure, those things are important – and not just after 60, but from the time you’re born (a no-brainer).  The not-so-simple fact is, life after retirement is quite unique, and must be approached as such.  And though they may be called “the golden years,” make no mistake (or, in this case, mistakes), because, despite the cheery name, those years could turn out to be more leaden than golden.  However, there’s a better-than-even chance that those years – decades, hopefully – will be of even higher quality than golden (possibly platinum), if you heed the following time-tested tips:   

1. Nota bene (very bene):  TV isn’t a hobby.  Neither is porn.  (Write this on a Post-it and stick it to the refrigerator).

2. No matter how much golf you play, at your age you won’t get any better.  Don’t take it out on your clubs.

3. If you decide to get back to laboring through Remembrance of Things Past (aka In Search of Lost Time, aka whatever the hell else it’s being called these days), don’t start binging on madeleines – they won’t elevate your memory, just your stomach.

4. Don’t even think about undertaking any plumbing, electrical work, carpentry, and especially gutter cleaning – you’re not a new handyman (or handywoman), you’re an old whatever.

5. Like many retirees, you may feel a sudden urge to begin writing; if so, confine your efforts to grocery lists and reminders one pastes on the refrigerator (à la tip 1) – not, under any circumstances, your memoirs (unless you’re Jane Goodall, nobody wants to read them).

6. If, now that you have the time, you feel traveling will give you a lift, make you feel better, do not go to France, especially Paris; go to Disney World.  

7. Vacuuming is not an aerobic exercise, no matter what your spouse (or, to be woke, “partner”) tells you.

8. Volunteer work in a hospital may be admirable, but expect to wait your turn in the emergency room just like everybody else.

9. If you live on the West Coast, keep in mind that the only surfing you should be doing is on the internet.

10. Florida won’t make you feel young again…not even South Beach…especially not South Beach.  Stay put where you are…except if it’s Greenwich, Connecticut – you can’t afford to live there anymore.

In the interest of full disclosure, we’d like to point out that there is something else, which we really can’t help you with, that is necessary for living a long and happy retirement:  Luck.