Commencement Address for the Class of 2026

by Stephen J. Lyons

Congratulations Class of 2026! You did it! That hefty contribution to your unsupportable debt load is now securely in the hands of predatory loan agencies and our cash strapped federal government! They urge thank you in advance for your immediate attention to this matter.

And congratulations to your sort-of-proud, yet anxious parents, who I would advise not to transform your childhood bedrooms into dens quite yet. Maybe in ten years if they are lucky.

The good news? McDonalds and Chipotle are hiring! OK, just kidding. They are actually laying off the graduates from the classes of 2025, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20 etc. You see, robots now have the ability to say, “Do you want fries with that?” and, “I’m sorry, but guacamole is an extra two dollars.”

I want to give a special tip-of-the-hat to all of you that graduated with philosophy degrees. But I have a question: Why?

To you morose English majors and future baristas: Did analyzing Bronte, Keats and Morrison offer literary solutions for paying back your six-figure student loans? Did your self-published alcoholic poetry professor teach you the difference in fat content between oat and skim milk? Did the unpublished fiction professor that you (and others) slept with give advice on the polite way to ask your parents for a belated gap year trip to Thailand? Did anyone in the department teach you how to read cursive? And, no, you are not, in any way, what we would call military material.

To the journalism graduates I am sorry to report that the only jobs today in print media are with the ink-smudged Super Saver Coupon tabloids distributed for free at Circle K and 7/11. Or perhaps, later on, when you are evicted and shivering in a Chicago soup line you can be a correspondent with StreetWise, a paper written by the homeless. However, a career of making shit up and spreading conspiracy falsehoods on social media and in government is expanding, but I will warn you it is a very crowded field, filled with those sorry souls who have for some unknown reason toiled for graduate degrees in journalism. (Again, why?)

To those of you with computer science degrees the future used to be bright. But these days most pre-school kids can code just as well as all our foreign students from Taiwan, Korea and China. By the way my Asian grads, have you been contacted by Immigration, Customs and Enforcement? You will be. In fact, they are waiting just outside this auditorium. You will recognize them by their camo, their guns, their Nazi tattoos, their lack of empathy and their vein-popping rage.

Some good news for architecture graduates! The Trump administration is building all kinds of monuments, fountains and majestic arches to honor the man who they say is the greatest president ever, in fact, a legend in his own mind. There is even a chance to live in South Dakota while chiseling in President Trump’s reimagined face on Mount Rushmore. I will warn you though: you might not get paid in a timely manner, or at all. But this is great resume filler for the next job you won’t get.

To those of you overachievers with degrees in biology or pre-med, I hate to break it to you, but lab-tested, time-honored, proven scientific facts, such as the efficacy of vaccines and the dangers of mercury in our drinking water, are things of the past. Today, as colleagues at the CDC and FDA empty out their desks to be replaced by snake-oil salesmen, TV doctors, a former heroin addict and some over-caffeinated dude named Oz, your education is out of touch and probably too woke for these times anyway. Might I suggest a career pitching Amway or Mary Kay products?

Was it all worth it? You know, the four years of late-night cramming, the gaseous roommates, the pompous profs, all that digested Ramen and undigested MSG, the AI-generated plagiarism and the muscled jock oozing NIL money, who almost ran you over in his Lamborghini on his way to the Rolex store?

Forget all that. On behalf of this great university, this stalwart institution of higher learning, where tuition will increase two-fold again next year, I want to assure you that we know it was worth it, and that we think the world of you, our newest donors alumni.

Someone once said, “To whom much is given, much is expected.” But that was then and this is now. Given this economy and the growing wealth gap between the haves and never-will-ever haves, we really don’t expect a whole lot from you.

In conclusion, I want to let you in on a little secret: these past four years? They actually will be the best four years of your entire life. So good luck! See you next Homecoming!