Here Some Oil, There Some Oil, Everywhere Some Oil Oil (Old Pres Donald Has A Craze, E-I-E-I-Ohhh!)

by Michael J. Mangano

It’s no secret that Donald Trump is oil-obsessed. Even before he was in office, he mused about what would have happened if the United States had taken control of Venezuela. “We would have gotten all that oil,” he said in a speech at the North Carolina Republican Convention in 2023. “It would have been right next door.” Well, his dream has now become a reality. And one has to wonder, in light of his obviously declining mental powers and growing unhinged statements and actions, if his maniacal oil fetish will now extend beyond crude to other types of oils.

Like cooking oil, for example. Since the economic potential of olive oil, as one of the world’s most consumed and versatile edible oils, is so enormous – especially with Trump’s tariffs affecting Italy, where so much of the olive oil comes from – there seems to be a question of whether he will move in on the country, as he did in Venezuela, in an attempt to seize their profits. Rumor has it that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has assured the president that he has the necessary manpower and strategic capability to deal with any mafia interference, but…if Sophia Loren vociferously objects, the President may have to deal with an irate, outspoken wife, since Melania has always idolized the screen idol. It’s been said that Melania’s interference could get in the way of the president’s possible dream-creation of Donoli Oil.

Also, there are skincare oils. Specifically moisturizing oils. Encouraged by how much of these products the first lady seems to use, will the President realize how large this market is and move in on Northwest Africa and Western Asia to secure the valuable rosehip seeds that are used to make the widely used Rosehip Oil? Will he also move on middle eastern countries for the special almonds used to make Almond Oil? Melania is expected to be an enormous fan of this potential takeover, with the thought of launching her own, personal moisturizing line: Oil of Slovenia.

How about the lucrative hair oil market? Will Trump invade India to get a hold on the valuable Amla Oil, which is packed with essential vitamins and minerals that nourish and strengthen hair from root to tip for healthy, lustrous hair? And will he move into Thailand to secure Bhringraj Oil, which promotes hair growth and prevents hair loss? Odds are high on this venture, since, in addition to the money involved, the President seems to have a personal interest in these remarkable hair oils.

And let’s not forget about all those essential oils, which are widely used for a variety of fragrances. It seems conceivable that the President would not hesitate to invade Bulgaria for the lavender and rose oils used in some of the world’s most expensive perfumes. Or Indonesia for the sandalwood and agarwood oils used popular men’s colognes…and even possibly create his own cologne: Trump No. 45 and the stronger Trump No. 47.

All this may seem like wild speculation and you may never hear another word about it. But then again, don’t be surprised if one day there’s a sudden appearance of a miracle hair oil claiming unprecedented restorative powers, called DJT Make Hair Great Again.