An Open Letter to GenZers

by  Mollie Fermaglich

Hey, GenZers!

It’s not unusual for younger generations to create slogans and slang particular to their generation.   As a Baby Boomer, I’ll allow you a few seconds to shout, “Okay Boomer!” I can deal with that.  In fact, I can keep

an open mind about most things.  Except…

BARELY WORKING MONDAY

Sunday night Bar Trivia ran a little late and you were a little lit from too many White Claw Iced Tea Mangos.  Maybe you spent the weekend binge-watching Breaking Bad for the 19^th time,  or visiting your parents and pilfering a month’s worth of groceries, watching your mom wash and fold your laundry, and schlepping one of their 85 inch Sony Smart TVs to your car because – jeez – they have two.  In any case, living in your happy place of your weekend, you’re exhausted and dreading the fact that you have to return to work on Monday. You look back fondly at the pandemic – okay, you think, there are a lot of dead people but at least you could watch The Price is Right in your pjs, munching on spelt saltines and those Baby Bel Plant-Based Cheese thingies.

In fact, the weekend is so much fun, going back to work on Monday can be traumatic. Too many people and you aren’t the CEO. It’s back to that cubicle with carpeted half-walls when we know you deserve that corner office overlooking Central Park that your stupid boss has, and whatever job you’re doing, you are being over-worked and under-appreciated.

What better way to show your contempt for the company that pays for your food, clothing and rent, medical insurance, streaming services, dental plan, tuition reimbursement, vacations and personal days, than to move like a sloth, take lots of coffee and bathroom breaks, or rack up all those experience points on “Minecraft.”

In my estimation, there is only one way to make this concept work, a variation on a theme, and that’s by changing the concept to Barely Working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, easily achieved when you’re fired for cause.  No unemployment insurance for you.  Next.

TIME BLINDNESS

I have to hand it to you – this concept is both incomprehensible and brilliant at the same time.  Stroll into the office at 11 a.m. because your coffee grinder jammed?  “I have time blindness.”   Arrive at your nephew’s Bar Mitzvah too late to light a candle on the cake and too early for the only reason you’re there – the Viennese Table.  “Sorry – I have time blindness,” you explain to your brother who used to greet all of your dates with, “She hasn’t shaved her legs since the Bowery was a prairie. I thought it would only take me an hour to get from Brooklyn Heights to Vermont. My bad.  Here’s the  savings bond you’re expecting.

“Maybe time blindness is real and you can’t control it.  Maybe the last time you did ‘shrooms, you had some sort of existential moment and now you’re convinced that time is “the indefinite continued progress of existence and events of the past, present and future are regarded as a whole.”

Just remember that time blindness is not “sometimes” time blindness.  Stevie Wonder doesn’t get blindness downtime and neither do you. This means you’ll have to be late to the Harry Styles concert, that Shut-Down-Madison-Avenue-For No Apparent-Reason, and upcoming first-class flight to St. Lucia.  Thanks for the upgrade.

QUIETLY QUITTING

Quite an odd concept but at least it’s quiet so I don’t have to hear you screaming about how your English professor refuses to use your “preferred” pronouns, or you’re triggered because someone at the restaurant you’re dining in is wearing a madras shirt and that reminds you of middle school, when one of your classmates called you “chubby.” But it is an interesting and novel concept, especially if this branches out to QUIETLY COMPLAINING and QUIETLY PROTESTING.  This last one would be greatly appreciated by anyone who doesn’t join you in histrionic chants as you throw bricks, conveniently placed on corners across the country at police, and the display windows of shops whose merchandise you’ve always wanted but don’t want to work to buy them.

Still, I can’t quite wrap my head around this.  Does this mean that when you quit, you talk like the “low talker” on Seinfeld?  Do you just not show up at work one day, or do you show up and quit using American Sign Language? Mime?  Buzz your supervisor incessantly until she forced to show up at your cubicle, and you’re not there. Neither  are the stapler, Sharpies and jet ink cartridges you stole.

Still, I’m willing to compromise, but only if you promise to abide by the following…

SHUT UP AND WORK TUESDAYS…

…  and the rest of the work-week. It’s called earning an income instead of grifting, hiding out in the break-room, or claiming your grandmother died.  Again.

GLUTEN-FREE FREE FRIDAYS

I, for one, don’t care if you eat a throw pillow.  I don’t care if you eat at all, and neither do your gluten-loving colleagues. So the rules are:  no rolling your eyes when they bring out a birthday cake for Sally in accounts payable;  no announcing you don’t know how long it’s been since you had a pizza with semolina crust;  no claiming that you’re dealing with an actual disorder, as in, “I have Ciliac disease,” as the rest of the office would really enjoy stuffing the Family-Size Wonder Bread down your throat just to watch you bloat.

BOYCOTT BOYCOTTS

That’s right. This means having to swallow those unhinged thoughts about anything you disagree with and just – well – just deal.  Or implode.

REVERSE CANCEL CULTURE

Yes, the time has come. Turnabout is fair play.  Now we will cancel anything you like, for absolutely no reason other than we want to and we’ll see how you like it.  And we’ll start with plant-based milks, yoga pants and Greta Thunberg.

“LITERALLY” REDUCTION

“Literally,” unlike “a,” “the,” and “but,” are not articles and therefore should not be a word that comes out of your mouth more times a day than your pulse.    In case you are confused between parts of speech, It is an adverb. Lest you confuse “adverb,” with “adjective,” adjectives are used to either modify or describe a noun.  A noun is…oh man, I can’t continue down this rabbit hole.  Examples of adjectives:  entitled, rude, spoiled, coddled, whiney, insufferable. Literally, as opposed to figuratively, means the same thing as “actually,” and should be used only when there might be confusion between the two adverbs.  “Literally,” should be a vocabulary “garnish,” not the Thanksgiving Day turkey.  In other words, put your foot on the gas when considering the following:

The London Bridge is in London.  Literally.

I literally handed in my psych paper that was due today, literally.

Lasagna literally has ricotta cheese and red sauce  We ate at the Olive Garden last night and my lasagna literally had wide noodles, ricotta cheese and red sauce.

I hope you understand why you should curtail your use of this word.  Literally.