Trump’s Big Beautiful Amendments to the 10 Commandments

By David Comfort

And it came to pass that, after the Burning of the Bush, the MagaMoses called down his 47 Plagues on Sleepy Joe and the wicked Dem Deep State Sith Lords. Freezing FEMA, the CDC, and Kermit the Frog, the Chosen One led the J6 Freedom Caucus through the parted Potomac, swamping Hakeem the Hater, Cryin’ Chuck the Fuck and their radical left lunatic scum.

After his triumph — amidst the thunderings, the lightnings, and the noise of the Trumpet — the faithful beheld their savior descend the Hill with his Big Beautiful Magamendments. Bowing low before him, singing glorious hosannas, Saint Mike and the Tesla Tyrant gifted him a gold Cyber-Chariot fashioned from DOGE savings and DEI Dreamer dental fillings.

Before installing the tablets in the Arc of the Covenant Coatroom, the prophet delivered his flock from the price of eggs, calling down red-white-and blue McMana Muffins and commanding the Walmart whiners to eat his tariffs.

At last, the Revenge is Mine! MagaMessiah – who had the best words — took to his mighty teleprompter and read his Commandments, as the molesters, murderers, and lowlifes of the left listened with fear and trembling.

1. “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
   …  Death to Cheatin Obama, Crooked Hillary, Prune Boy Bruce, and Swiftie the Skank!

2. “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”
   … Save my Skywalker, Ramhawk, Trumpinator, Crypto Coin and Bloody Ear Stigmata Selfie!

3. “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”
   … No more Humpty Trumpty, Diaper Don, Von Shitzenpants, Cheeto Benito, and TACO!

4. “Thou shalt not work on the holy sabbath.”
   …Except Medicaid and SNAP slackers, my Blacks and Latinos who manicure my lawns, schlep boxes and drain my pool!

5. “Honor thy father and thy mother.”
   … Unless they support Planned Parenthood, conspired with Lowlife Liz on the J6 crucifixion committee, or fucked me with 34 felonies!

6. “Thou shalt not kill.”
   … Except on Fifth Avenue – Central Park Five, Rosie the Dog, LGBTQs, Mister KellyAnne, Judge Juan the Con, Loathsome Lititia, and Sleazebag Smith!

7. “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
   … Save with Horseface Stormy, my Magdelaine McDougal, and Not-my-type Bergdorf Jean!

8. “Thou shalt not steal.”
   Unless it’s a Classified docs or 11,780 Georgia votes Art of the Steal!

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”
   … Except Pocahontas, Newscum, Tampon Tim, Rachel Madcow, and the Woke Fake News losers of MSNBC, CNN, 60 Minutes, or the failing Times!

10. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, maidservant, or ass.”
    … Unless she’s an Epstein ex, a Fox jezebel, rocks a You-Can-Grab-My-Pussy T, or has a great ass!

And, with that, MagaMoses commanded that his righteous Ten be engraved in every classroom from Houston to Harvard. Then, flying his 747 gold Qatari chariot, he retired to the Mar-a-Lago Tent of Presence to play sabbath golf and to claim his Canada, Greenland, and Gaza Promised Land.