The Chosen One: Knock-Knock-Knocking On Heaven’s Door

By David Comfort

I want to try and get to heaven. I’m hearing I’m not doing well.
I am really at the bottom of the totem pole.
—Donald Trump

Scene 1

Donning a Make Heaven Great Again MHGA hat, TRUMP exits the Beast with his golf clubs. Raps on the Pearly Gates with his driver. Above, a flashing “NO VACANCY” SIGN.

SAINT PETER materializes beside it, crucifix in one hand, fish in the other.

PETER
Your business?

TRUMP
Door’s locked. Mind sending down the keys?

PETER
Keys?

TRUMP
To the Kingdom. You’re St. Peter, right? I’m the King.

PETER
Then you should have the keys.

TRUMP
They’re in my other pants.

They catch on fire.

TRUMP
(beating down flames)
OK, let’s cut to the chase. Epstein?
I broke with the perv after he started doing kids.
But didn’t Jesus say, “Suffer not the children to come unto me”?

A SINKHOLE opens behind him.

TRUMP
OK OK! I may have taken a message!  Or two.
What the hell you want me to say, I’m sorry? I’m sorry.

PETER
For what?

TRUMP
Everything.

PETER
Specifically?

TRUMP
How long do you have?

PETER
Eternity.

TRUMP
Cute. Listen, you dropping the keys or not?

A TOTEM POLE falls at his feet. With him on the bottom.

TRUMP
…What the hell’s that?

PETER
Your ladder.

Asylum seeker jumps on. Collapses. Picks himself up.

TRUMP
Playing games here, Pete? After the nails went in, you were the first to double-cross him.
Who made you judge and jury?
Gimme Jesus!

St. Peter vanishes.

Scene 2

JESUS appears above, flanked by cherubim.

TRUMP
Christ Almighty! Listen, I’m not dissing Pete, I know he’s your Rock – but he’s a hard ass, and not exactly perfect himself.

JESUS
He asked to be crucified – upside down.

TRUMP
Smart. Blood to the head, pass out early…

A CROSS falls at his feet. Upside down. With hammer and nails.

TRUMP
… This is a joke, right? You expect me to get on that?

JESUS
Many are called; few are chosen.

A gust blows up, flipping the chief executive upside down.
Struggling to his feet, pulling his MHGA cap and toupee back on:

TRUMP
I get it. Feeling shade? Everybody calling me the Chosen One, not you.

Wailing and gnashing of teeth inside the sinkhole.

JESUS
They’re downstairs now.

TRUMP
(holding up his King James)
I saved you and your Dad from the shredder. $59.99!
All proceeds right back to the United Jewish Appeal!

JESUS
I converted.

TRUMP
OK, want blood? Check these hands! My goddamn ear!
INRI? Gimme a break. Try TACO and CheetoBenito!

FLAMING HANDS shoot up from the sinkhole, grabbing for his cankles.
Beating them back with his driver.

TRUMP
I ate your little cracker, drank your juice – you said that was good enough!

JESUS
New ICE policy.

TRUMP
Keep it then! HappyMeals and McWings way better.
Don’t like my saviors crucified anyway. Loser!
Gimme your Dad – GOD!

Jesus vanishes.

Scene 3

THUNDERHEAD rolls in.

TRUMP
Lord Almighty!

Flames die. Heaven’s air kicks in. Easy CHAIR drops down.
Collapsing into it:

TRUMP
Pete and Your boy seem to have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

GOD
Burnt out. They just finished the eight-billionth soul.
Since you nuked My creation yesterday.

TRUMP
… Say what?

Heaven’s gate JUMBOTRON lights up: Earth blackened with corpses.

TRUMP
AI!
GOD
FOX.

TRUMP
Remember Your Flood and Fire, Sir?
Gotta play hardball to make the Promised Land great again:
Knocking a few heads, doing families, caging kids. Tough love!

GOD
Remember Saul? First King?

TRUMP
Great guy. Fun. But tough!

GOD
Discipline problem. Had to drive him crazy, nail his head to a city wall.
How about a cognitive test?

TRUMP
(under his breath)
Not this shit again.

GOD
Four words: CAMEL, EYE, NEEDLE, KINGDOM.
We’ll get back to them later.
Now, then: What’s on your mind, Don?

TRUMP
Full disclosure, Sir. I ah… cut a couple corners on the Ten —
but never once used Your name in vain. Or coveted anybody’s ass!

GOD
Appreciate the transparency.
You wouldn’t believe how many plead the Fifth up here.

TRUMP
Scum! You made Adam out of dirt and spit, though, right?
Can’t expect a dirtball to be perfect all the time, am I wrong?

GOD
People are only human. Unfortunately.

TRUMP
Exactly! Which is why I ah… may’ve kited a few stretchers here and there, too.
But 6-day Creation, bitch from a rib, talking snakes, parting seas?
I never even topped that on Truth Social!

GOD
… What are you saying – I’m a liar?

TRUMP
Fuck NO! Excuse my French.

GOD
No worries. I made the French.

TRUMP
Mind if I ask You a personal question, colleague to colleague?
You ever get tired of having Your ass kissed?

Pregnant silence… A tongue of lightening:

GOD
I might. If I had one.

TRUMP
Mind if I ask You another, for Junior and Eric?
When your boy was up, why didn’t You let him come down, blow everybody away?

GOD
It certainly occurred to me, Don. But if I’d done that, nobody’d be saved.

TRUMP
Right!
(Jumping to his feet)
You opening up now?
Ready to make Heaven great again!

GOD
Appreciate the offer. But no Yelps here. All five stars.

TRUMP
Ten after I’m in. I’ll put in a ballroom. Plus, an Eighteen!
Then a Threesome – You, Me, Jesus. Holy Ghost can caddy!

GOD
Remember your four words now?

TRUMP
MAN… TV… CAMERA… ahhh…
DA-DA-DA…, BOP-BOB-BOB… COVFEFE!

A golden ESCALATOR materializes at his feet.
Bounding up for the crest of Heaven’s Gate, singing:

TRUMP
A-may-zing Grace how sweeeeet the sound, that saaaaved a wretch like…

Leaping to the top step, catching a glimpse of Paradise and its souls picnicking…

TRUMP
Lying Obama!… Sleepy JOE!! …Crooked HILLARYYYY!!!

He topples backward, pulled into the sinkhole by the flaming hands of JD, Pete, Pam, Kristi, Marco, Lindsey, Elon, and the two Steves. Inside:

A VOICE
… MR. TRUMP! Rise and shine, Sir!

Patient’s eyes flash open, fixing on a masked SURGEON and OR nurses:

SURGEON
Kicking around a bit while you were under, Mr. President.
Little housecleaning on a few polyps, but all good.
Congratulations — You have the cleanest colon in history!

Surgeon pulls off his mask and MHGA Make Hell Great Again hat. Tips his horns.

SURGEON
You’ll be with us forever, Sir!

Blackout.