The American Empire Strikes Back

By Martin H. Levinson

Administering Venezuela and trying to annex Greenland and Canada are good starts in reviving America’s late-19th and early-20th century wish to empire build. But these hegemonic efforts are not enough. Genghis Khan did not dip his foot into territorial waters and then withdraw it. He built the Mongol Empire because he used his foot to flatten nations in his way. And so should President Trump, even if that will be harder for him to do because of his bone spurs.

Where should Trump spend his energy to increase America’s presence in the world? As the US is already colonizing Venezuela, taking possession of the rest of South America seems like a logical move. Trump could invoke the “Donroe Doctrine,” which is a corollary to a corollary of the Monroe Doctrine, that tells other countries that the Western Hemisphere is ours to do with as we like. And what we like is having the right to govern other nations.

Trump could then invade Switzerland. That country has loads of banks and let’s not forget the chocolate, watches, and fondue. In addition, the place is perfectly located, smack in the middle of Europe, which means it can be used as a launching pad to seize the rest of the continent. Once that’s done, Trump could turn his empire-building attention to Africa, a landmass that even though it’s saddled with a bunch of shithole countries and people in them that are garbage—per Trump—contains heaps of gold, diamonds, natural gas, and oil. Africa also has 65% of the world’s arable land, soil that can be used to grow and send crops to MAGA Republicans in red-state America.

Asia should absolutely be included in the land-grabbing mix: all that good Chinese food, Indian curry, sushi, and pad Thai. Asia is the largest continent in the world by both area and population. It makes sense to possess it just for that. And Hong Kong and Singapore are exceptionally wealthy global financial hubs. It would be dumb to leave such rich plums on the table when America could add them to its fruit bowl of vanquished states.

The Land Down Under has abundant natural resources, booming technology, and vast real estate. It is also a fun place to vacation, where you wouldn’t need a passport with you if America owned it. Plus, the people there speak English—albeit not very well with expressions like “g’day” and “no worries, mate”—which is great  as there would be no need to teach the populace our language once we conquered Australia.

Finally, there’s Antarctica, the fifth largest continent. No single country owns Antarctica; though seven nations have made claims on it. Trump could render those claims moot by sending in the US military to take charge of the Great White South. With its acquisition he would put the UN out of business because with all the other countries included in the American Empire there wouldn’t be enough independent nations around to justify the organization’s existence. There would basically be just one, the United States of America or, to give credit where credit is due, the United States of Donald J. Trump, a man far greater than Genghis Khan and any other past empire builder. This storm-god of cable news should decree that the United States will rule the earth and all upon it. The American Empire, now and forever!