Four Score and Seven Tweets Ago

By Martin H. Levinson

Patrick Henry’s Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death Tweet

Debating freedom when your rights have put on layaway? FUHGEDDABOUTIT. Give me liberty or give me an algorithm to evade being taxed by the King. Catch my broadsheet Ask Patrick Henry Anything for more talk on insurrection. #PatrickHenryPatriot&Parodist

Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence Tweet

You’re not the boss of me, King George. ALL men deserve freedom + the right to chase happiness. Get a life you royal A-hole. #ScrewTheF*ckingCrown 👑🚫

Washington’s Farewell Address Tweet

Hey America, remember when I said don’t let political parties turn you into bitter enemies and don’t cozy up to foreign powers? Looks like that advice fell on deaf ears. This is one forefather who’s wigging out bigtime. #ThanksForNothing

Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation Tweet

You’re free now—no refunds, no exchanges. Enjoy your freedom and please rate your experience @ALincoln.com.  #EmancipationDoneWithALittlePizaazAndABitOfHumor

Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address

We pray to the same God, read the same Bible, and ask for divine intervention to beat the other side. We’ve been fighting 4 yrs. Time to wrap it up and become homies again. #WithMaliceTowardNoneCharityForAllExceptJohnWilkesBoothWhoSomePeopleAreSayingIsUpToNoGood

FDR’s The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself Tweet

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself—and maybe threats to the world from Adolf Hitler, Emperor Tojo and, on the days when she gets up on the wrong side of the bed, my wife Eleanor. #StayCalm&GetTherapyIfYouThinkItCanHelpYou

JFK’s Ask Not What Your Country Can Do for You Tweet

Ask not what your country can do for you—then demand it with free shipping and a huge rebate as you are bound to be disappointed. #AmITheHandsomestGuyInTheRoomOrWhat

MLK’s I Have a Dream Tweet

We’ve been here over 300 years and we still ain’t fully there. WTF! Equality isn’t a dream—it’s overdue. Time to cash that check. 📝✊🏾 #JusticeNowJusticeForever

Richard Nixon’s Checker’s Tweet

I’m giving up everything except Checkers, the dog, because he’s my best friend and is trained to bite Communists, Democrats, and anyone on my enemies list. Got a problem with that? I’ll get a plumber. #ParanoicsAren’tAlwaysWrongSoStopTrollingMe  

Ronald Reagan’s Tear Down that Wall Tweet

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall and replace it with easy to clean, easy to care for plastic panels. I know a guy that can get you a deal on them. 20% off if you act now. #BetterDeadThanRedButBetterRedWhite&Blue&BeingAlive