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Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt
By Dan Geddes
4 September 2016
NEW YORK - The incredibly addictive Pokemon-Go app, which has sent countless millions of people out into the world to stare at their cell phones more than ever, has now put the U.S. Presidential elections in doubt.
Current CNN polls show that voter turnout will be at an all-time low (17%) as millions of registered voters see little point in voting for U.S. President while there are still so many fabulous Pokemon characters out there to catch.
“There’s an election like every four years, right? But Pokemon-Go is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” said Wayne Potman, 25, of Salt Lake City. “I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”
Pokemon-Go creator, Niantic, has promised to seed U.S. voting locations with PokeStops and rare Pokemons in a desperate effort to boost voter turnout. “We see this as a win-win and a no-brainer,” said Niantic spokesman Jesus Angleton Dulles. “We will do our part to try to resuscitate the dying American Republic through Pokemon and Pokemon-Go.”
President of the Pokemon-Go Users Union, Ben Minderbinder, defended the popular app, saying: “There’s nothing mutually exclusive about Pokemon-Go playing and voting for U.S. President. Millions of Pokemon-Go voters are perfectly capable of voting, especially if the good PokeStops are right there at the polling station as promised.”
In a related development, the Department of Homeland Security has taken over the monitoring of the U.S. election process as a “critical infrastructure,” a decision which was praised by the Department of Homeland Security.
“Why should we leave the results of elections to chance?” stated Homeland Security spokesman Maxima Callow. “Homeland Security has a vital role to play on the streets of America, to ensure that all voting locations, whether PokeStops or not, are secure.”
One registered Democrat, James Byrd, in Cleveland, Ohio, stated: “I like Hillary Clinton and all, but it’s probably more efficient for Barack Obama to just stay on, at least until the Pokemon-Go craze has subsided.”
Dan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist. In addition to satire, Geddes' serious criticism in The Satirist online has been widely cited in books, English courses, academic papers, newspapers, and websites. Geddes has written for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, the Dry Bones Review, and The Modern Word. His satirical work has also appeared in GlossyNews.com.