America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
"Drones May Not Attack Banks" says new US Drone Czar
By Dan Geddes
13 March 2013
WASHINGTON – The newly appointed US Drone Czar announced today that attack drones operating on US soil may not attack US banks without prior approval of the Federal Reserve Bank.
"Let me be clear," stated General Quentin Easing, the new US Homeland Drone Czar. "We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank. We can't just attack any bank we like. It's the law."
"While we are permitted to attack individuals, families, voluntary associations, and especially credit unions with drones, banks are exceptional. Banks are very special corporate persons."
"The fact that several large banks have allegedly laundered billions of dollars of drug cartel's illicit money on a mass scale is no reason for these banks, or their senior management, to be attacked by our beloved drones. These managers will be severely punished by having their bonuses deferred."
"Banks with very high market capitalizations are generally regarded as 'too big to fail' (TBTF) and are therefore vital to US national security. You might say these banks are TBTD: 'too big to drone.' It would jeopardize our national security to allow these institutions to be targeted by drones operated by overzealous law enforcement at the state, local or even the federal level. Only the Fed can decide."
Attacking corporations with drones is not generally permitted by law, but the government has also compiled a list of smaller taxpaying entities that may be targeted, according to General Easing.
"Among smaller entities: family farms and raw milk producers, especially raw milk producers who produce milk similar to that drank by Al-Qaeda members, are fair game for our drones. People who sell unpasteurized milk or who resist unlabeled aspartame in their milk products are clearly dangerous extremists, some of whom are armed."
Drone Czar Easing suggested that those who opposed the new homeland drone initiative could express their outrage to his new drone policies by clicking "Like" on the new Facebook page: "We the People Oppose Being Killed by Drones".
"This expression of the democratic impulse via social media sends us a clear message, as well as provides us with complete Facebook dossiers of these drone-able individuals, who are sadly mistaken in their opposition to our policy," said Easing.
Asked if he himself would like being attacked by a drone, General Easing replied:
"Would I personally like to be attacked by a drone? The answer is no. I am fully aware of the awesome killing capabilities of these machines."
"I can only hope that my government never places me on their drone attack list. By following the rules, conforming to all societal norms, and attacking other people with drones at my superiors' command, I hope to be one of the last people to be killed by a drone in the USA. I think this is a good example for us all to follow."