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Writer
Stephen Lyons
17 posts
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More Leaked Texts from Signal
More Leaked Texts from Signal by Stephen Lyons DATELINES: Hawaii, Kremlin, Greenland, Starbuck’s, Chick Fil A, Palm Steakhouse At 11:44 p.m., Hegseth posted in the chat, “NEED DRINKY! ASAP!” The text beneath this began, “TIME NOW 12:11 a.m.: Weather is... More »
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Jesus is Not All Right with Me
Jesus is Not All Right with Me by Stephen J. Lyons The newly elected capo was rightly offended by the Inaugural Day sermon. “She was nasty in tone, and not compelling or smart.” His consiglieri was horribly aggrieved. “The person giving this sermon shou... More »
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When They Go Low I Give Up
When They Go Low I Give Up by Stephen J. Lyons I’m huffing away on the elliptical at our local gym, reading another depressing commentary about our nation’s state of affairs, when I look across the room at the television to see the scabrous visage of one S... More »
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The Eleven Commandments, according to Donald J. Trump
The Ten Eleven Commandments, according to Donald J. Trump by Stephen J. Lyons I am the LORD, your one and only God, who brought you out of the Swamp, out of the house of Clinton and Biden. You shall have no other gods before or after Me. And, for a limi... More »
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Grab ‘Em by the What, Where?
Grab ‘Em by the What, Where? by Stephen J. Lyons Now that the infamous Access Hollywood tape made it back in the news I have questions for the “star” of the tape, that constant ingrown irritant in our short lives, aka the freshly convicted, twice impeach... More »
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Our Lord Donald and His Wise Men
Our Lord Donald and His Wise Men Stephen J. Lyons On private jets the Wise Men came from the east (and the south, and the west) bearing gifts of droll, nonsense and fear. A new star shone in the sky the night before, either an omen or Starlink. The Wise Men pe... More »
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If Cormac McCarthy wrote dialogue for “Emily in Paris”
If Cormac McCarthy wrote dialogue for “Emily in Paris” by Stephen J. Lyons Scene: Emily Cooper, dressed in a paisley micro mini-skirt, with mismatched suede boots, has pain au chocolat and café au lait with her BFF Mindy Chen outside the Café de... More »
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The 12 Steps of Aspiring Autocrats Anonymous
The 12 Steps of Aspiring Autocrats Anonymous by Stephen J. Lyons We admit that we are powerless over the mighty sway of Donald Trump—aka “Him”—his enabling lies rhetoric and the glitter of repeated appearances on Fox News. We came to believe tha... More »
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I’m No Rocket Man
Stephen J. Lyons I am a bad American. My sin: I don’t care one whit about Mars. There, I said it. Go ahead and dox me. Be mean and make me a meme. I will still not budge an inch from my stance. As Elton John famously sang: “Mars ain’t the kind of place t... More »
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My Dear Melinda Letter
Dear Melinda: Because you haven’t responded to my phone calls, emails or drone flyovers and, because your recent injunction against me does not apply to snail mail, I thought I would simply send you a letter. First, I would like to offer my heartfelt condole... More »
The Center Will Not Hold
The signs are everywhere. A man walks into a Subway in North Carolina carrying an AT-4 anti-tank rocket launcher and two sidearms. No tanks are in the vicinity. He is there to get a sandwich. And maybe a bag of chips. Another man shops at a Vons grocery store ... More »