Does it seem like every time you visit a bank, a restaurant, a clothing store, even a doctor – as well as have a telephone conversation with a utility, financial institution, whatever – you get an e-mail or text or phone call requesting you to “take a few minutes of your time” to complete a survey? And does the list of requests seem to be growing? And growing? And growing? Well, one can only imagine what to expect in the future:
Thank you for attending mass at your parish church last Sunday. Your opinion matters. Please take a few moments to share your thoughts about the experience.
Upon entering the church, was the temperature of the holy water to your liking? Too warm? Too cold?
Were the new extra-cushioned kneelers we recently installed comfortable? Were they easier on your knees than the old ones? Or did you have to resort to that lazy sitting-back position that we’ve always frowned upon?
Did the person taking the collection give you enough time to comfortably place your donation in the basket?Or possibly too much time, to give you the feeling that they were commenting on your paltry contribution?
Was the priest’s sermon too long? Too short? Inspiring? Boring? Feel free to elaborate. (Remember, it’s no sin to speak your mind as long as you’re completely honest.)
Thank you for your recent inmate-visit to state prison. Your opinion matters. To help us, please take a few moments to share your thoughts about your experience.
When you were patted down, did the guard do any inappropriate touching? If so, which body parts were violated? Please be specific (don’t be shy).
Were you escorted to the visiting area politely? Impolitely? Gruffly? Contemptuously? Menacingly? (Feel free to supply your own adverb, if necessary.)
Were you and the inmate allowed to have a private conversation without the guard listening and grimacing, sneering, or laughing out loud?
How would you rate the prison officials you came in contact with: courteous and obliging, discourteous and uncooperative, threatening and terrifying.
N.B. – Though this survey is intended to be anonymous, there is always the chance that it could be hacked, so, depending on your answers, you might want to be extremely cautious on your next visit.
Thank you for visiting our porn site. Your opinion matters. Please take a few moments to share your thoughts about your sexual experience.
Did you find the sexual act that turns you on the most? Was it easy to locate?
Would you tell us what that act is? (Complete anonymity is assured.)
Please tell us what other sexual acts, if not currently on our site, you would like us to include. (Don’t be embarrassed, we’ve heard everything. Just think of us as porn doctors.)
Do you have a favorite porn actress? Actor? Cartoon? (Don’t be shy, getting turned on by porn cartoons doesn’t mean you’re a weirdo, necessarily.)
Do you view other similar sites, and if so, how do you rank us on the porn-meter?
If we’re not on top of the list, please indicate what we can do to get there. (No matter how perverse your suggestions, we promise to give them serious consideration.)
Just how widespread these surveys will extend is, as they say, anyone’s guess. And though they often say, “Please take a few moments to tell us how we did,” for some inexplicable reason they don’t seem to realize that your first moment’s thought would be, You did just fine till you sent me this goddamn message.
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