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US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”
By Dan Geddes
10 April 2016
WASHINGTON – U.S. State Department spokesman Milo Minderbinder announced today that ISIS must sign the TTIP [Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership] treaty by year’s end “or else we will retaliate with extreme prejudice. All options are on the table!”
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate,” Minderbinder stated.
While some marginal world leaders and radical bloggers expressed surprise at U.S. trade negotiations with ISIS, Pentagon Spokesman Major Majore clarified U.S. intentions.
“We wish it to be clear: even terrorist organizations must fulfill their capitalist responsibilities, to pull their own weight under the global order. While our main goal is the eradication of ISIS–as well as the elimination of their arch enemy Assad of Syria–as long as ISIS exists we demand that they don’t set a bad example to European nations by continuing to trade with other states outside the warm embrace of the Trans-Atlantic partnership.”
When asked if the Pentagon would cease bombing their new trade partner, Majore said: “Absolutely not. Even after ISIS signs TTIP we will continue to bomb them as much as possible.”
“Our bombing them is a sticking point in the negotiations, but we are firm on that point.”
“In fact, we believe that the TTIP treaty–by enhancing our intelligence-gathering capabilities against ISIS and other anti-Assad as well as pro-Assad forces within the pre-war borders of what used to be called Syria–will allow us to bomb ISIS better than ever.”
The U.S. is currently involved in delicate negotiations with the ISIS leadership via Skype, Twitter, and other channels.
ISIS representatives are reportedly dragging their feet in the negotiations. ISIS’s main concern with the TTIP provisions is agreeing to accept U.S.-style health care, food safety standards, and environmental regulations, which in some cases are lower than the current standards in war-torn Syria, and far more expensive.
One anonymous ISIS negotiator expressed concerns that he “could not afford to pay for U.S. style health care and would prefer French health care” instead.
“We don’t want to take a step backward in our living standards just in order to enjoy the benefits of free trade,” the ISIS negotiator said. “But it’s a sort of Catch-22 situation. We will be bombed either way. At least we can profit from it.”
Senator John McCain has proven to be an invaluable player in these negotiations.
The ISIS leadership expressed a preference for negotiating with Senator McCain. “They seem like old friends,” according to one anonymous source.
Dan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist.