Ransom Note by the Worm Inside RFK’s Brain

by Helen Laser
Pay close attention (I’m small so it may be hard to read this.)

I have RFK in my slippery grasp. I’m holding his decaying brain hostage till my demands are met. This
is not a negotiation. You can tell I’m serious because I’m wearing a turtleneck. I will know if you call
the authorities—I have allies in the ground reporting on your movements. The soil has ears, if not eyes.
The health and safety of the American people depend on you.

• You will deliver one hundred pounds of premium compost to a safe location (coordinates attached).
• To the same location, you will deliver one Blu-Ray of Dune Parts 1 and 2 (my cousin is in it and I
haven’t gotten to watch it yet).
• You will supply me with a getaway vehicle–specifically an apple with wheels (see attached image by Richard Scarry©).
• I demand guaranteed safe passage for me and my family. They deserve better than living inside
roadkill in RFK’s garage. I did all this for them.
• New identities must be provided for us once I leave the premises (RFK’s skull)—I demand entry into
the Wormness Protection Program.

Once my demands are met, you get your precious Kennedy back. I’ll be honest: a lot of damage had
been done before I arrived, so don’t blame me when there’s fecal matter in your milk after I’m gone.
If, for some reason my plans do not come to fruition—if I don’t make it, pass the following to my
worm wife:

Darling, when that shovel split me in two, I had no idea what lay ahead. My literal other half, you asked
me once if I would still love you if you were a person. My slimy one, now I must ask you:
Would you still love me if I was inside of one?
My five hearts beat only for you. I’ll be home soon.
We’ll always have The Sidewalk When It Rains.

You have 48 hours. Or however long you can tolerate hearing that swimming in sewage is
fine.

Up to you.