America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
CNN to Issue Trigger Warnings before Trump Appearances
By Dan Geddes
5 February 2017
NEW YORK – CNN today announced its new policy of issuing trigger warnings before showing the face of President Donald Trump to viewing audiences.
“We know the mere mention of President’s Trump name or the sight of his face is enough to trigger serious emotional distress or even seizures in a large part of our viewing audience,” said Wolf Blitzer of CNN. “So we believe that this is an appropriate policy for our time. Families with children will really appreciate this warning, as the mere sight of Trump reportedly makes many babies, small infants, and millennials cry uncontrollably.”
CNN has estimated that millions of viewers have turned off CNN because of their sheer terror that Trump may appear on their screens and further traumatize them with his blunt language, harsh policies, and brutish lack of diplomatic tact.
“Just as we issue warnings before showing bloody, mangled corpses after mass murders or terrorist attacks, so we will issue warnings before showing the face of Donald J. Trump or mentioning his name.”
“We would prefer to avoid the mention of Mr. Trump’s name altogether if possible,” asserted Blitzer. “But Trump is President of the United States now, so it’s difficult to completely avoid the subject of Trump no matter how badly we want to not mention the name of Trump ever again. Trump.”
“However, our ratings analysts confirm that stories about Mr. Trump bring in high ratings, even if he also has a very high negative approval rating. It seems that Trump is a President that many people really love to hate. While many people really love to hate him, they prefer to hate him from their own designated ‘safe space,’ wherever that may be. Many people prefer to sit on their own toilet with their iPhone while they sit and hate Trump and curse his name, and go about their business.”
The text of CNN’s trigger warnings will read: “CNN trigger warning: a story about President Donald Trump will now be shown. Please take appropriate precautions to preserve your emotional well-being. Take shelter in your nearest ‘safe space,’ or find a ‘therapy dog’ to cuddle with. We hope that you will return to watching CNN in about 15 minutes.”
CNN also promised at least 15 minutes of “Trump-free” programming every hour, from 15 minutes to 30 minutes after each hour.
Blitzer concluded: “We would like people to know that for those 15 minutes, that CNN itself is a safe space from the menace of Donald Trump’s face and the menace of Trump’s unholy name. Even during the rest of the hour we may have some Trump-free programming.”
Even some journalists also want safe spaces and so that they are not triggered by having to cover Trump from the White House press pool.
One anonymous Wall Street Journal reporter and frequent White House press pool correspondent confessed to being “horrified at the mere sight of Trump. He triggers me into two minutes of total hate for him at least every day. I am trying to get out of covering Trump. I want to cover less offensive leaders, such as Kim Jong-Un. Or that President Erdogan of Turkey. He seems nice.”
World leaders also praised CNN’s decision. Angela Merkel of Germany praised CNN for “showing sensitivity to world audiences for whom the fact that Trump is so-called leader of the free world is a fact too horrible to contemplate.”
Dan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist. In addition to satire, Geddes' serious criticism in The Satirist online has been widely cited in books, English courses, academic papers, newspapers, and websites. Geddes has written for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, the Dry Bones Review, and The Modern Word. His satirical work has also appeared in GlossyNews.com. He lives in Amsterdam.