Mercenaries R US

By Martin H. Levinson

Elon Musk and his merry band of MAGA men did their best to minimize and shrink the federal workforce. But they could have done more and boosted American defense at the same time. To wit:

Outsource the Military

There are over two million American military personnel lolling about the world today, costing US taxpayers a huge chunk of change. That nut could be reduced by turning them into mercenaries who could be employed sans benefits. The British used mercenaries during the Revolutionary War, a conflict they lost because there were too many Redcoats and not enough Hessians. To save money, and win wars, let’s be smarter than the Brits and recruit our privates from the private sector!

Dump the Department of Education

One thing Americans don’t need is for the federal government to tell them how to educate their children. That’s what TV, AI, and social media are for. The fact is education is massively overrated. You don’t have to go to school to do well in life. You can be a successful influencer, reality TV show cast member, or an American president and never crack a book. What to do with the unemployed folks at the Education Department? Retrain them as mercenaries: “From the halls of America’s classrooms to the halls beyond our seas, we will fight our nation’s ignorance, with a stripped down bureaucracy, first to fight against books and journals, and other symbolic stuff, we are proud to claim the title of US Morons, Dopes and Toughs.”

All Out for the Energy Department

The US Department of Energy manages the country’s energy policy and nuclear infrastructure. But energy doesn’t need to be managed, it needs to be freed. And nuclear infrastructure should be regulated by the people who construct nuclear plants, as who knows more about nuclear reactors than those who build them. What to do with out of work Energy employees? Have them put their energy to work as mercenaries.

Farewell Federal Snoops

Before the internet, AI, and social media, a case could be made for having the FBI, CIA, NSA and other federal agencies do governmental investigative work. This is no longer the case. Today anyone with Google, ChatGPT, and Instagram accounts on their computer can investigate up the wazoo. This makes federal snoops redundant. What to do with these out-of-work dicks? You know the drill: train them as mercenaries.

Jettison Justice

“Justice is mine,” sayeth the Lord. If that’s the case, the Department of Justice is superfluous, and likewise those who work for it. Law is the coin of the realm on earth and if you have lots of coins you will get verdicts that go in your favor. If you want justice you’ll have to go to heaven to get it. What to do with laid off Justice workers? Convince them to become mercenaries. Justice warriors make great soldiers.

Take a Hike Health and Human Services

Do we really need to pay government workers to tell us to eat balanced meals, exercise, get enough sleep, and socialize? Of course not. As to managing pandemics, this is a free country where government official should not be instructing anybody about what to do. My body, my choice. If you have a problem with that stay home, mask up, and wear a hazmat suit. The best human service that employees of the Department of Health and Human Services could provide would be to fold up shop and find nongovernmental work perhaps, let’s say it all together, as mercenaries.