We’re Banning the New Testament because Jesus was a Woke Radical Leftist

By Joe Cay

Pursuant to Executive Order 666, the US President hereby bans the New Testament from appearing in any Bible published or sold in the United States. An exhaustive review by the most Christian administration in American history has concluded that the teachings of Jesus Christ recounted in the New Testament promote a dangerous, woke, radical leftist agenda that is incompatible with the Trump administration’s vision for America in the following ways:

Feeding the hungry: Giving away loaves and fishes to the poor makes them lazy and dependent. Did Jesus create the welfare queen? The morality experts at Fox & Friends are saying He did. 

Being soft on immigration: Jesus lived at a time when the nation state didn’t exist. Maybe that explains His empathy toward migrants: Whatever the reason, He certainly didn’t seem to appreciate the sanctity of an arbitrarily drawn line on a map. Did they even have maps back then? Also, what was that walking on water stunt if not a subversive invitation for Bible readers to cross the Rio Grande? 

Healing the sick for free: Jesus may have gotten away with that 2,000 years ago, but today He would be strongly advised to get pre-authorization from the patient’s insurance provider. He obviously didn’t take the Hippocratic Oath before practicing medicine, because not charging for healthcare does real harm. To private hospitals, insurance companies, and wellness influencers promoting natural cures endorsed by RFK Jr.

Washing sinners’ feet in public: Look, do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home, sicko (unless it’s in the bedroom, in which case we’ll regulate it), but under this administration public displays of self-abasement are the domain of political appointees whenever the president is within earshot. 

Displaying anti-capitalist tendencies: Jesus once quipped that “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” If Silicon Valley’s tech gods had that can’t-do attitude, driverless cars and AI wouldn’t exist, and they’d have no incentive to colonize Mars to escape the consequences. 

Criticizing merchants and money changers: Not sure what kind of statement Jesus was trying to make, but His actions reveal a clear prejudice against profit maximizing job creators and hedge fund managers. If He walked the earth today, He would probably demand that billionaires not exist. Imagine!

Loving thy neighbor: We agree with this one in principle, unless that neighbor is black, brown, poor, gay, pro-constitution, female, a male who thinks he’s female, a Democrat, opposes book banning, an immigrant, a soldier unwilling to execute illegal orders, a protestor, a journalist, a scientist, a civil servant, a comedian, a Muslim, a Jew, a woke Pope, Taylor Swift, Marjorie Taylor Greene, or someone who says “happy holidays.” We must put Christ back in Christmas!

Loving thy enemy: What kind of woke national defense policy is that?! It’s far more effective to vanquish one’s adversaries before they become too enemy-ish. Just ask those fishermen floating on their overturned boat in the Caribbean… oops, too late. We’re giving $1 trillion a year to the Department of War, not the Department of Amor. Nobody will ever call Pete Hegseth a bleeding-heart warrior who loved too much.  

Dying for others’ sins: Capitalism is built on the premise that every person puts their own interests first. In failing to do so, Jesus revealed He is not a rational actor, and therefore cannot be a trusted role model for today’s market actors. What kind of world would we live in if people started thinking of others before themselves?

Practicing modesty: Jesus could have been the OG influencer! He had literal superpowers and hung out with major celebs like Mary, Joseph, and John the Baptist. Yet Jesus spent most of His time on earth shunning the limelight and hanging out with the poors. No wonder He only had 12 followers. It’s hard to trust the judgment of Someone with such bad marketing instincts and a disinterest in building His brand. Though we are open to additional investors in TikTok if Jesus wants a modern means to control the masses. 

Turning water into wine: We’re big proponents of domestic manufacturing, but turning water into wine is clearly a loophole to avoid President Trump’s perfectly legal tariffs, even if the success of both is dependent on miracles.