America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Six Girls Your Brother Will Date in His Early 20s Who Can Do Better Than Him
23 November 2017
Nothing brings out those sisterly feelings like when your brother, a charming young man who drinks melted ice cream for breakfast and has sixteen SUPREME bumper stickers stuck to his bathroom mirror, starts to seriously date. You’ll want to safeguard and protect these smart, talented, beautiful girls and tell them that they should at least wait until your brother cleans up his act. Here are the six girls who will date him anyway before he gets old enough that his personality becomes bearable:
Laurel is your brother’s first serious girlfriend. She’s a Communications major who works part time at Panera to pay for college, and for some reason, your brother will refuse to let you meet her. She apparently will have left her last boyfriend to be with your brother, to your eternal bafflement. You can’t be sure of any significant details about her. The only thing you can be sure of is that your brother has three bongs still full of murky, used water on his coffee table.
It will never be entirely clear whether your brother and Cherie actually dated. When pressed, he’ll reply they’re “seriously only friends” but that they have “a thing,” and then he’ll segue into a story about that time he greened out at a Playboi Carti concert. Cherie has won awards for her dancing and will probably go on to host her own NPR show one day. Your brother still thinks South Park is funny.
Rishi is about two years older than your brother. While she’s busy applying to graduate programs, your brother will be equally busy dropping acid and trespassing on other people’s property. While Rishi is attending networking events, your brother will be attending frat parties at schools he’s never been enrolled in.
Savannah is a Delta Gamma sister with dreams of becoming a celebrity personal trainer. She’s the hottest girl your brother will probably ever date and you really wish your brother knew this. He will plan romantic activities with her such as “get drunk in his apartment and then walk ten blocks to Taco Bell.” When she leaves him, she’ll tell him to his face that she can find someone who values her more than he does. You go, Savannah!
Sarah is a pre-law student with a heart of gold. She’s traveled the world as a volunteer, helping build schools and hospitals for developing communities. Your brother recently traveled to Colorado—“the promised land,” as he called it—in order to buy weed and sell it for double the price back home. At least they have traveling in common.
Annie is a playwright who owns three cats and makes all her meals fresh from her garden. Your brother wants to get a Rottweiler for his studio apartment and his meals usually consist of Lucky Charms. Annie will go on to win awards at Sundance for a film that’s a thinly-veiled metaphor for their failed relationship. Your brother will go on to total his hand-me-down Honda and bum money off your parents for the next ten years.
Try as you might, you won’t be able to stop any of these delightful, accomplished young women from dating your brother, who still throws food waste into recycling bins because “it helps create jobs.” One day he might grow enough as a person to be worthy of one of these girls, but it’s certainly not while he’s dating any of them.
Allyson Larcom is a writer based out of Boston, Massachusetts. Her previous work has appeared in Counterpoint Magazine. In her free time, she enjoys watching cheesy science fiction shows, playing with dogs, and haunting the green line like a grimy vengeful spirit. Find her on Twitter @ogrewitch