America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Trump Mulls Santa Replacement After St. Nick’s Mysterious Death
President-elect Trump Considering Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump for Santa Post
By Phineas Lambert
16 January 2017
NEW YORK - The world was stunned this week when soon-to-be President, Donald Trump, announced he would take the lead on selecting a new Santa Claus, after the beloved St. Nicholas was found dead in his North Pole mansion under curious circumstances.
Currently, there are no suspects, according to an Interpol source, but bullet casings and puddles, perhaps one-time icicles, were discovered at the scene. Democrats believe the culprit may have been a Trump Second Amendment benefactor; Claus had been an outspoken proponent of gun legislation. Russian involvement has also not been ruled out—KGB operatives have reportedly been wire tapping Santa’s Village for decades.
Speaking during an extra, unscheduled stop on his “Thank You” tour, the President-elect did not mince words when it came to the late St. Nicholas. “Let’s be honest, folks, he was fat. Chris Christie fat. Tubbier than my constituents, if you can believe it,” he told a crowd of kindergarteners. “I’m considering Bernie [Sanders] to shake things up.” When a few children stopped cheering, purportedly frightened by the scraggy, beardless replacement, Trump began tossing out candy canes. “I’ve never once been wrong! Trust me,” he said, before adding, “C’mon, your parents do. What’d you got to lose?”
While Trump was buoyant following Claus’ death, others have expressed alarm. Industry observers worried U.S. retail is too closely aligned to the fate of the red-coated sleigh driver—saying he surpasses even the Clintons’ effect on the nation’s bottom-line. Hearing this, a defiant Trump doubled-down, tweeting: “@TheRealSanta, wife sleeps with elves, needs to be said. Won’t be missed! #MakeChristmasGreatAgain.”
Despite analyst concerns, Trump, who continues to defy popular logic, was vindicated as the Dow hit all-time highs. Growth was driven by Wal-Mart, Target, and other big-box retailers, whose stocks eclipsed record prices.
A yet-to-be formed committee—led by the new U.S. commander-in-chief—will meet to consider a “newer, superior Claus,” son Donald, Jr. told Breitbart News. The international community was quick to pitch a slate of potential replacements, including Befana, an old lady who delivers Italian children presents by broomstick on Epiphany Eve, and Hungary’s Mikulas, who stashes sweets in good children’s shoes on December 6th. Trump, sources say, scoffed at the nominations, insisting any appointee will be American, a cornerstone of his landmark jobs legislation. He is even considering himself. “You don’t think I can be President AND Santa? I’ve been working two jobs my entire life, and that’s not counting wives or kids,” he informed Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “I’d be the greatest Santa god ever created.”
Chinese delegates are outraged to have been excluded from Santa transition talks in lieu of the Russians and Trump pal, Vladimir Putin. “Vladi could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue, shoot somebody, and not lose any votes,” he gushed. With the President-elect vowing all future toys will be made in Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, or Texas, Beijing has been forced to shutter plans to boost its factory presence in Guangdong province. The Chinese had been partnering with an unnamed U.S. real estate firm—rumored to be a longtime rival of Trump Org. Locations in Shanghai, Hong Kong, California and other blue states may also be shut down.
Phineas Lambert has been published over 1,000 times as a journalist, essayist and research assistant in The Deal, The Washington Examiner, and The Village Voice, among others. This is his first piece of satirical news. He has an MFA in Creative Writing from The New School.