America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
NewsSatiresFictionBooksFilmsEssays

 


 
 


Republicans Attack Obama in Lavagate Scandal

4 January 2015

WASHINGTON—Republican Congressional leaders are calling the President out for his handling of the ongoing, destructive lava flow in Hawaii.

“We want to know what the President knew and when he knew it,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “What we know for sure is that the President is from Hawaii and now the whole place is basically covered in lava.” McConnell added.

Though generally believed to be caused by changes of density and pressure in the Earth’s crust, GOP leaders say they are outraged that the President allowed such a thing to happen on American soil. “What I want to know," asked Texas Senator Ted Cruz, is why Obama wants to cover your children with molten rock? What we need is a President willing to stand tall in the face of lava, not someone who conveniently only talks about ‘acts of God’ when it supports his otherwise-atheistic/islamic lava agenda.”

When asked why the President might want to cover Hawaii in lava, both McConnell and Cruz cited “big government” and “class warfare” as the primary factors. “Taxes are basically an attempt to enslave American free enterprise and keep it from handling this lava issue,” said Cruz. “This is proof positive that we need to completely eliminate all forms of business and capital gains taxation, otherwise we’ll be looking at an America totally covered in molten lava. I don’t think that’s what the Founding Fathers wanted, and it sure as heck isn’t what I want. I’m not sure anyone can say that for the President.”

 

Robert Charpentier is a writer, runner and dilettantish purveyor of unsolicited opinions. He lives in Reno, Nevada where he enjoys the clean air and counterintuitive political outcomes.