F*CK YOURSELF!

A Gen-Z Self-Helper for Discovering the Greatest Love of All

by David Comfort

According to recent polls, half of Gen Z is single, and two-thirds don’t date or have sex due to low self-esteem, or a monogamous relationship with TikTok, Instagram, Taylor or Tim. Experts warn this situation must be addressed ASAP before zero population growth and species collapse.

If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to? as the saying goes. So, why not try the Greatest Love of All? If you can’t take it from Whitney, at least give it up for Buddha, who didn’t date either. “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

Consider the upsides of hooking up with yourself. You don’t have to leave the comfort of your parents’ basement, crawlspace, or toolshed. You spare yourself the expense, anxiety, if not humiliation, of a real date. Even if he/she is hot, you don’t have to fake the three relationship C’s: Communication, Compromise, Commitment. That, plus the biggest downer: having to listen to somebody while pretending you’re fucking interested.

“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with,” as the Boomer song goes. Excellent advice in these times of social media loneliness and despair. Even if you’re not a schizo, Yungblud, or Doja Cat, crushing on yourself is doable with a little practice.

Start small. Baby steps: instead of avoiding the mirror, take a breath, drink yourself in. Next time: try a smile. Let it marinate a few days, then: give yourself a wink, or stick your tongue out. After a week or so, give yourself a smooch, or at least a peck.

Now you’re on First with yourself: you’ve got a little TLC chemistry to build on, if not self-respect. Next step: even if it’s not your birthday, Christmas or Valentines, send yourself some flowers, a Bed Buddy, a Dreamy Lip Kit, whatever.

Now rounding Second for Third: take yourself out to a Chuck E. Cheese, In-N-Out, a gamer expo, bridal show, or monster truck rally – but don’t go Dutch! Don’t be afraid of PDAs, or a little sexting and dirty talk. Back at home, excuse yourself to get into something more comfortable, then get down to business. To show you’re not a cheap date, tease yourself by slapping your hand back every time it gets fresh. Especially if you’re transitioning or a Latter Day Saint.

Now you’re in the Greatest Love home stretch! Despite the possibility of going blind or crazy, the upsides of sex with your bestie are also many. No worries about grossing yourself out with personal hang-ups: micro dick, tits, and/or ass, b.o., acne, genital warts, etc. Cum as you are: No dress up, make up, injectables, microneedling, peels, or plastic surgery necessary.

While doing yourself, remember: anything goes. Short of strangling yourself, awakening your parents and getting sent back to your shrink. Also, you can take all the time you want: seconds or (since you have no job) days, unless you’re a podcaster or influencer. Meantime, enjoy the many other self-love benefits: no post-coital critique or flight risk; no worries about knocking yourself up even in a red state; and no worries about a video surfacing on TikTok with a crypto-demand from yourself.

Granted, as with any relationship, loving yourself can be tricky. You might gain so much self-confidence that you’ll go out on a real date and cheat on yourself with a stranger. If this triggers a spat and brief break up with yourself, not to worry. Make-up sex is so good, you might marry yourself.