“Are those third-rate, low-life, loser morons fucking kidding?!” the President was reported to have shouted. “I’ll insult whoever the fuck I want.”
The president went on, “Hey, if I do it for them I have to do it for everybody. I wouldn’t be able to call African nations ‘shithole countries’ anymore…which, by the way, we all know they are. I couldn’t call female reporters ‘piggies.’ Or tell sourpussed Kaitlan Collins she’s a phony reporter who delivers fake news. Or call Mika Brzezinski ‘dumb as a rock.’ Or say that her husband Joe
is seriously deranged. I haven’t created a joint insult for the two of them yet, but I’m working on it.
At this point, the President was off and running. “I wouldn’t even be able to call that loser lady I badly defeated in the fair 2016 election ‘Crooked Hillary’ anymore…even though we all know she should be behind bars. Or refer to the guy who became president after the rigged 2020 election, which everyone knows I won, as ‘Sleepy Joe’…no matter how many times we’ve all seen him drift off. Or call his shit vice president a ‘mentally impaired shit vice president.’”
Trump continued ranting, “Or that communist senator from Massachusetts – I couldn’t call her ’Pocahontas’…and, by the way, she’s less than one percent Redskin, which, incidentally, is another word I wouldn’t be able to use. I also couldn’t refer to those crooked dumbocrats as ‘Shifty Schiff’ and ‘Crazy Nancy’…or even call their California neighbor ‘Gavin Newscum.’” The President laughed and added, “And that’s a slur I’m particularly proud of.”
“Hey,” he went on, “I also wouldn’t be able to describe that two-bit porn star who said she had sex with me as ‘Horseface,’ which is more than she deserves, believe me. Or dub that Omarosa turncoat a ‘wacky and deranged lowlife’…and that’s putting it mildly.
“You know, come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t even be able to insult my friends and political allies. Like ‘Little Marco’…who is a bit of a Lilliputian, by the way. And ‘Lyin’ Ted Cruz…who, well, I’ll just leave it at that.”
“What can I say?” the President remarked. “I just can’t help myself. It’s like that story about the scorpion and the frog. You know the one. Where a scorpion meets a frog on the side of a stream and asks the frog to carry him across the stream because the scorpion can’t swim. When the frog says ‘How do I know you won’t sting me,’ the scorpion says, ‘Because if I do, I’ll die too.’ So the frog takes the scorpion across, but halfway the scorpion stings the frog. As they start to sink, the frog asks the scorpion why he stung him since now they’re both going to die…and the scorpion says, ‘I couldn’t help myself, it’s my nature.’”
The President concluded his remarks by stating, “So listen, Iran, as far as your peace demands go, I’ll consider lifting the sanctions, releasing the frozen assets, paying some of the war damages, and lifting the naval blockade…but as far as never insulting you again, no fucking way, you second-rate asshole country. And if you don’t get your Muslim ass out of the Strait of Hormuz and open it up immediately, just remember what happened to that frog.
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