America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
By Elaine Kendall
18 September 2016
I know that weíve never actually met person to person, though I feel we really have so much in common that Iíve given you a personal nickname. I was told that I canít use the Latin alphabet in writing to you in Russian or use capital letters. Unfortunately, Russian isnít yet one of my many languages, and I always thought that the alphabet was American, or maybe English. I had no idea the alphabet was Latin. I wouldnít ever use it if Iíd known that, though I donít really see why you have a rule against it. Iíd be happy to use your alphabet even though it seems a bit weird to me. But anything for a friend! †Do you have our problem with illegal Latins swarming over your borders? †I do understand because I have great, great understanding of rules and how important they are to people like us. Weíre soon going to have much, much more in common. †Everything!
I want to invite you to my magnificent place in Florida. I think itís even grander than the Winter Palace. Iíve seen photos of that, and itís nice, but not as modern as Mar-a-Lago. †I know you love swimming, because Iíve seen photos of you in water. I have the Atlantic Ocean down there, and I wonder if youíve ever had a swim in it. The Atlantic is really the greatest ocean. The Pacific is a tiny bit larger, but cold even in summer. †Youíd really have to come down here to see my ocean in all its glory, and I hope you will, as soon as possible. Of course my beach is totally private. I have miles and miles of it. Or kilometers of it, whatever you prefer. †Iíll be glad to send a plane over there for you.† Just say when! Thatís sort of an all-purpose American phrase, like Make America Great Again!† We can discuss all that in incredible luxury at Mar-a-Lago.†
Iím sure you have the best translators in the world. Please bring one. Iím what we call a quick study and Iíll learn your language in a weekend, though I hope youíll stay longer. Weíll find a great deal more we have in common. Iím the master of great deals. †Iím really sorry that youíre no longer married to Lyudmila, because Iím sure she and my spectacular wife would really have enjoyed each otherís company. Please also bring your daughters. I know mine would just love them because theyíre all about the same age and have Russian sounding names. Isnít that fantastic? It must be fate!
This is probably the longest Email Iíve ever written because I tend to keep them down to 145 words, but I want to thank you for sending your terrific oligarchs to my New York Tower. Theyíre all great, great people, and Iím happy to have them as neighbors. I just wish theyíd come here more often and stay for longer.
Response from The Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation to The Candidate:
A journalist and playwright, Elaineís books of American cultural history were published by Little, Brown, Putnam and Capra; her plays by Samuel French, Smith & Kraus and Art Age. Musical plays are An American Cantata; The Would-be Diva; Isadora! and COLE and WILL: Together Again! Non-musical dramas are The Chameleon; Two Margarets; The Trial of Mata Hari and The Nominee. The ďIĒ Word; Gun Show Follies and Secrets of the Showroom are short comedies. She has written for many national magazines; The New York Times and the LA Times. Current articles appear monthly in the aptly-named online journal The Satirist.