Greetings, Vlad!

Sunday, September 18th, 2016

Published 2 years ago -

Greetings, Vlad!

I know that we’ve never actually met person to person, though I feel we really have so much in common that I’ve given you a personal nickname. I was told that I can’t use the Latin alphabet in writing to you in Russian or use capital letters. Unfortunately, Russian isn’t yet one of my many languages, and I always thought that the alphabet was American, or maybe English. I had no idea the alphabet was Latin. I wouldn’t ever use it if I’d known that, though I don’t really see why you have a rule against it. I’d be happy to use your alphabet even though it seems a bit weird to me. But anything for a friend!  Do you have our problem with illegal Latins swarming over your borders?  I do understand because I have great, great understanding of rules and how important they are to people like us. We’re soon going to have much, much more in common.  Everything!

I want to invite you to my magnificent place in Florida. I think it’s even grander than the Winter Palace. I’ve seen photos of that, and it’s nice, but not as modern as Mar-a-Lago.  I know you love swimming, because I’ve seen photos of you in water. I have the Atlantic Ocean down there, and I wonder if you’ve ever had a swim in it. The Atlantic is really the greatest ocean. The Pacific is a tiny bit larger, but cold even in summer.  You’d really have to come down here to see my ocean in all its glory, and I hope you will, as soon as possible. Of course my beach is totally private. I have miles and miles of it. Or kilometers of it, whatever you prefer.  I’ll be glad to send a plane over there for you.  Just say when! That’s sort of an all-purpose American phrase, like Make America Great Again!  We can discuss all that in incredible luxury at Mar-a-Lago.

I’m sure you have the best translators in the world. Please bring one. I’m what we call a quick study and I’ll learn your language in a weekend, though I hope you’ll stay longer. We’ll find a great deal more we have in common. I’m the master of great deals.  I’m really sorry that you’re no longer married to Lyudmila, because I’m sure she and my spectacular wife would really have enjoyed each other’s company. Please also bring your daughters. I know mine would just love them because they’re all about the same age and have Russian sounding names. Isn’t that fantastic? It must be fate!

This is probably the longest Email I’ve ever written because I tend to keep them down to 145 words, but I want to thank you for sending your terrific oligarchs to my New York Tower. They’re all great, great people, and I’m happy to have them as neighbors. I just wish they’d come here more often and stay for longer.

Sincerely yours,

The Candidate

Response from The Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation to The Candidate:

YARKIY (to English) translates FLAMBOYANT. YARKIY not meaning BRILLIANT, only in joke. Interpreter in custody for insulting President Vladimir Putin. No reading Email in FSB custody.

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