America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Club MedFlight: Where Travel is a Dream instead of a Nightmare
By Donald N.S. Unger
17 September 2016
Club MedFlight appreciates your business:
We sedate, we crate, and you’re never late!
We provide the following FAQ in the interest of supplying all the information necessary for our customers to get the most out of our service, and to answer the questions most frequently asked in the past.
Why do I need to be awake for the pre-flight sedation? We understand the confusion. When the AmbuLimo comes for your home pick up, it is important that the technicians be able to briefly assess your vital signs before starting the pre-trip I.V. You will not be conscious from the time you leave your home until the following morning when you wake up in one of our nine luxurious resort locations.
Is grogginess the next day still a problem? No! We have recently entered into a licensing agreement with Starbucks, which has allowed us to substitute a new “Espresso I.V.” for the somewhat more problematic amphetamine drip—while we still provide the latter for our post-trip package, our DEA consent agreement is very clear that we may not provide more than one. Drip sharing is also strongly discouraged—please consult local laws and regulations in your jurisdiction.
Can my family travel with me? We can arrange group pods of up to six. Due to FDA regulations, unfortunately, we cannot, at this time, provide service for children age five or under. However, we do offer a companion service for children in this age range, in which younger family members are sent as accompanied carry-on luggage, under more mild sedation, in our patented Kidtainer (some size and weight restrictions may apply).
Are there provisions for Mid-Vacation Evac? We have aircraft on “hot stand-by” at all of our resort locations for both medical and non-medical trip interruption. We strongly suggest that you purchase trip insurance to cover this eventuality. Please note that mid-trip sedation—where permitted by local law—is only available on direct written request of the person to be sedated: unfortunately, spousal or parental waivers can no longer be honored; we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
What will happen to my luggage? Your luggage will be picked up at the same time we pick you up for your trip. It will be sent to your destination with you, but in a separate cargo pod, so that you are not directly affected by any in-flight spillage.
Can I have the pre-flight security scan of my travel pod added to my medical records? We have recently received FDA approval to add this service, allowing you to sleep through both travel and one of the most thorough diagnostic procedures currently available! Please note that frequent travelers with Club MedFlight may be required to upgrade from CT to MRI scans to avoid exceeding annual radiation exposure limits.
Ask about our package deals!
People traveling to Thailand or India for medical care should consider the SurgiExcursion: we promise that you will be fully sedated not only for travel but for the duration of your stay—and for whatever medical procedures you are having.
Again, we appreciate your choosing Club MedFlight.
Travel the way it should be:
The best trip is the trip you can’t remember!
Don Unger was born at New York’s Mount Sinai Hospital and has spent more than fifty years now touring medical facilities across Europe and the Americas. He has published about thirty short stories, a handful of poems, hundreds of journalistic pieces, and done a few dozen radio commentaries for local NPR affiliates. He writes the occasional unpublishable novel as well—one of which was his MFA thesis. He was disappointed to discover that his PhD did not earn him a prescription pad. He accepts that writing is clear evidence of mental illness; he also understands that any relief writing provides is symptomatic and temporary. He has had a headache since 1990.