Live Fast, Die Young and Other Health Care Solutions

Sunday, April 1st, 2018

Published 3 weeks ago -


The Republicans think Obamacare is a mess and that it should be repealed. But the problem for the GOP is they haven’t come up with anything better to replace it with. I don’t think that’s such a hard thing to do. As you will see from the following examples, I’ve done it in spades.

Idea #1 – Early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise

This notion worked well for Benjamin Franklin, who died at 84 without ever using Medicare, and it can work well for anyone. There’s no reason to stay up late. TV shows that are on after ten can be recorded, drinking can be done in the early hours of the evening, and whatever you’re reading at midnight can be perused when you get to the office in the morning (poring over Facebook posts and whatever’s on your Kindle at work may cut into your Internet shopping time but, hey, you can’t have everything). Sweet dreams, my friend.

Idea #2 – Become a doctor

Isn’t it a pain to wait half the day at the doctor’s office before the man or woman in the white coat finally deigns to see you? And when you do get seen, isn’t it a shame that your doctor doesn’t spend time lots of time with you discussing your concerns? And with drugs so expensive, isn’t it a disgrace that your doctor doesn’t give you a hefty supply of samples when you leave their office? Become a doctor and these questions vanish.

As a doctor you’ll be able to see yourself immediately if you have a health worry, spend all the time you want with yourself chatting about your problem, and get all the drugs you need for nothing. Moreover, with your MD license plates you will be able to park your car in restricted spaces when you go out to dinner or to the movies or when you’re just out visiting friends. With such fantastic benefits I’m amazed everyone doesn’t apply to medical school.

Idea #3 – Join the military

If you join the military, besides receiving free room, board, and a cool looking uniform, you’ll get your health care gratis. This means you won’t have to waste your time filling out complicated insurance questionnaires if you get sick, or shot. As to that latter possibility, battlefield medicine has vastly improved since your father was in the service. Nowadays if you get hit by a slug or some shrapnel, the odds are pretty good that you’ll only be maimed or disfigured rather than killed. But the armed forces are not for everyone. If loud noises bother you or the sight of blood puts you off, you may want to mull over idea number four.

Idea #4 – Don’t get sick

If you don’t get sick you won’t have to deal with doctors, taking pills, medical insurance forms, and not being able to work. So eat sensibly, get plenty of exercise, and don’t get stressed out over stuff. Above all, stay away from people with germs, which is everybody on the planet.

Is it possible to avoid the human race? It is if you do these three things: work alone at home, have your groceries delivered and left outside your door, and socialize in Internet chat rooms and over the phone. Following these rules will greatly reduce your chances of contracting an illness and, as an added benefit, having to dance with people you don’t know at weddings and family reunions.

Idea #5 – Live fast, die young

Do you remember James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Sal Mineo? These famous and talented actors lived fast and died young, No prolonged hospital stays and long-term illnesses for this bunch. A car crash, a drowning, and a knife wound, and they were gone. But when they were alive, Dean, Wood, and Mineo had a ball—all-night parties, loads of booze, robust sex lives —you name it, they did it. And because they were young they were still able to get to work on time in the morning.

James, Natalie, and Sal helped society by dying in their prime since the medical care that they would have received had they lived for many years could be given to others. And the government saved on paying them social security. If you are a hedonist with an altruistic bent, the live-fast-die-young approach to life could be perfect for you. But if you choose this option please do the rest of us a favor. When you’re out on the town raising hell and whooping it up, try not to kill anyone else with your fast living!


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