America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
David “Avocado” Wolfe Fighting Losing Battle with Chickenpox
20 November 2015
In what physicians are calling one of the most irrational medical decisions they have ever seen, David Avocado Wolfe has refused all traditional medical care for the highly treatable yet potentially fatal disease chickenpox.
"He only has to take readily available antivirals to cure this," stated Dr. Ronald Lewis, an actual licensed medical professional. "He would make a full recovery in a week or so. It is insane to think that someone might die of such an easily curable disease inside of a First World nation."
In spite of easy access to the cure, Mr. Wolfe, an unlicensed doctor of Internet meme and anecdotal holistic medicine says he will continue to buck big Pharma and treat the condition on his terms.
"I don't believe in taking unethical, non-locally sourced, non-vegan, non-detritus based ’cures’ when so many equally effective alternative treatments exist naturally," stated the skeletal Mr. Wolfe while picking scabs off his eyelids and applying a humanely harvested free-range moss poultice to open and pus-weeping sores.
"It is cases like these that make you wonder if all lives really are worth saving,” pondered Dr. Lewis. “I just worry that others may be inspired by him to deny themselves basic medical care in favor of snake oil treatments. He really is a major doucher."
As of Monday, physicians had given Mr. Wolfe just weeks to live as symptoms of encephalitis began to set in. Speaking to us from his Himalayan salt-encrusted mud hut during now rare moments of lucidity, he remained optimistic that holistic care would prove effective in saving his life.
"It is about being responsible with your health and using treatments like these that not only don't harm the planet," he said, while injecting a bean sprout concentrate and beet juice enema into his rectum, "but also just feel good."
Derek Langston was born in Georgia and currently living in North Carolina, but was a long time resident of the Midwest. He graduated with a Doctorate of Physical Therapy from Northwestern University in 2010. He divides his time between learning new ways to deconstruct joints in his hobby of Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, and new ways of fixing them as a practicing PT. He recently decided to pick up the pen after decades of being an avid reader.