U.S. to Drop Presents in the Middle East This Christmas: Operation “Xmas Marks the Spot”

Tuesday, February 7th, 2017

Published 1 year ago -

In its latest attempt to “win hearts and minds” in the Middle East, the Pentagon has announced a new program of dropping Christmas presents alongside selected bombs and cruise missiles in difficult theaters such as Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.

Indestructible black boxes containing the valuable presents will be dropped alongside state of the art bombs to ensure their safe arrival.

  • Every 100 bombs will contain at least one iTunes gift card worth $200.
  • Every 25 bombs will contain at least one Amazon gift card worth $100.
  • Every 10 bombs will contain at least one Starbucks gift card worth $25.

Many Congressional Republicans have already criticized the plan, known as Operation “Xmas Marks the Spot,” chiefly for the lack of Christmas decorations on the Christmas presents.

“It isn’t right to drop Christmas presents without proper Christmas wrapping,” complained Representative Warren Christen (R-Texas).

“To simply drop presents in black boxes is literally to kill Christmas. If the goal is to spread American-style capitalism and good cheer, then we should use traditional Christmas decorations whenever dropping occasional presents or care packages along with the bombs or cruise missiles we deliver in the Middle East and elsewhere.”

“We shouldn’t sell out our Christmas values to politically correct liberals,” concluded Christen.

Representative Joseph Virgin (R-Alabama) agreed: “The Department of Defense should not follow Starbucks’ horrible example and act like the Grinch during this Christmas season. Was it Starbucks who thought of putting the stuff in black boxes?”

“What could be more American than Christmas? Jesus was probably the greatest American in history,” continued Virgin.

“Personally, in addition to images of the baby Jesus, I like seeing Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer on my Christmas packages. So will kids in Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.”

The DOD stated that “any packaging that may or may not be used for the presents and/or bombs is strictly classified.”

“We wouldn’t want the enemies of freedom to get their hands on that kind of intelligence.”

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