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Newly Converted Preterist Relieved to Find Out Gospel Has Already Been Preached to World; Atheist Colleagues Delighted

11 April 2017

PARIS, TX - Having converted, this week, to what is termed a “preterist” understanding of the Bible, evangelical Adam Baines expressed a profound sense of relief, though not unmingled with embarrassment, at discovering the prophecy of Jesus recorded in Matthew 24:14 in relation to the preaching of the gospel throughout the world, and unto all nations, had in fact been fulfilled by 70 A.D. 

Preterism, which holds that the events foretold by Jesus in the 24th chapter of St. Matthew’s Gospel were fulfilled before the close of the 1st Century, has, in fact, been a position lavishly expounded by a multitude of Christian scholars, but all to no avail, so far as Baines had, until recently, been concerned.

“Months, years, even decades, I once devoted to planning, and participating in, mission trips,” Baines confessed, wagging his head in sad amusement. “Time wasted.” 

“I had always considered it to be as much a duty as a pleasure for Christians to spread the gospel by word of mouth, throughout the world, even to the remotest clime,” he said. “Only now, at this late stage in life, do I realize this mission of evangelizing the world of mankind was, just a few decades after the Ascension of Our Lord, a fait accompli.”

“But better late than never,” he added. “I just praise God for opening my eyes through the impeccable scholarship of accomplished Christian writers like R.C. Sproul and Robert M. Bowman Jr., who showed me, with unassailable logic and exegetical rigor, that, before even a hundred years had elapsed from the day of Christ’s birth, the gospel had been preached in all the world, as a witness to all nations, and it doesn’t take a scholar to see that ‘all’ means all.”

Nate Herrick, an atheist colleague of Baines, says he was ecstatic upon learning of his associate’s newfound preteristic outlook. “So all the preaching about Jesus was a done deal somewhere in the ballpark of 2,000 years ago,” Herrick said, echoing Baines’ recent discovery. “All I can say, as an atheist is: Thank God!”

Rick Parrish, another atheistic associate of Baines, expressed equal elation. “I’m not sure who clued in this Robert Bowman, Jr. guy that all the events predicted in the 24th chapter of Matthew were all wrapped up by 70 A.D.” said Parrish. “Presumably, Robert Bowman, Sr. But, regardless, I’m just glad he figured it out and, most importantly, passed it on to [Baines.] I should really send him a thank you note.”

When asked what he intended to do until the time of Christ’s Second Advent, Baines said he planned on developing a workshop for Christians, intended to show clergy and laypeople alike the most effective strategies for not sharing the gospel with their friends and neighbors. At press time, Baines’ atheist co-workers were exploring venues for him to hold the proposed workshops, and offering to circulate flyers.


K.D. TaylorK.D. Taylor, whose actual name is Kevin Taylor, settled upon his present pseudonym in order to avoid confusion with Kevin Taylor, the professional skateboarder (though, in all honesty, he would love to be confused with the aforesaid Kevin Taylor, but unfortunately lacks both the skateboarding prowess and the physical agility to convincingly imitate him).

He received his B.A. in English from Oregon State University in 2010, having also completed a minor degree in History. So, naturally, he went on to do hospital custodial work, a summer stint painting houses, and is currently employed doing non-technical work at a planer mill.

His book of poetic satires (or satirical poetry, depending upon how one pleases to designate it) is titled The Cosmic Oddball, and is available through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and a variety of other broad-minded booksellers. Digital, paperback, and hardcover versions of it are now available, with a view to outraging the widest possible audience of readers.

He has also had poems published in Prism (the official student literary magazine of Oregon State University), and of course in The Satirist.

He and his wife, Jill, are the parents of three sons, and thus far the masters of none of them. They reside in Corvallis, Oregon. More information is available through the National Security Agency.