America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Donald Trump Chooses His Own Ego as Running Mate
By Robert Friedman
30 May 2016
Donald Trump, the Republican nominee for President, today announced that he has selected his own ego as his running mate.
“I gave this a lot of thought,” Trump told reporters at a campaign event at Trump Tower. “I’m a big thinker, as anyone will tell you. Very big. I have a very big brain with lots of very big ideas. And my big brain told me that nobody was better qualified for the position of Vice President in the Trump administration than the renowned Trump ego.”
Mr. Trump’s massive ego agrees. “Listen, I’ve known Donald for my whole life. I know his strengths. I’d know his weaknesses, too, if he had any. Donald will be a strong leader and with my support he’ll be incapable of mistakes because I’ll reframe them as great decisions. And if anyone disagrees, I’ll just hurl insults everywhere as a distraction and mention how much the entire world loves me. It’s what I do and, quite frankly, I do it very well. How else could Donald and I have survived all those bankruptcies, not to mention Trump Steaks, Trump Wine and Trump University? Believe me, we’ll survive launching World War III, too, and call it an urban renewal project.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan praised the decision. “It’s all about uniting the party. Are we going to agree with everything that Mr. Trump and his ego represent? That’s hard to say since his ideas and policies can change on a daily basis. Besides, they’re blatantly racist, while we prefer to subtly cloak our racism behind phrases like states’ rights and voter fraud. All in all, I’d say that it’s a good idea to roll over and accept both Donald and his ego since it is easier than developing core values or principles.”
Republican Party chairman Reince Priebus agreed and added, “Honestly, who else could stand to work so closely with the guy but his own ego?”
Political commentators were divided about the wisdom of Trump’s decision. Stated Rachael Maddow of MSNBC, “What we have here is a misogynistic candidate partnering with the same ego that thinks it’s irresistible to women. Trump has a long history of expressing contempt towards women while his ego practically begs them for a massage. He’s also just plain creepy. Just ask any of those Miss Universe candidates that he inspected like horse flesh when he owned that show.”
Megyn Kelly of Fox News made a prediction. “My guess is that Mr. Trump and his ego – who have the combined intellectual firepower of a wet cap pistol – will appoint a woman to be Secretary of State. Why? Because they honestly believe the title Secretary of State describes an administrative assistant who will get them coffee.”
Concluded Mr. Trump’s former butler, Anthony Senecal, who is currently under investigation by the Secret Service for threatening remarks he made about President Obama on his Facebook page, “It’s a great idea. Together, Donald Trump and his ego will do for America what he’s done for so many businesses – drive it into the ground, declare bankruptcy, and walk away from the disaster a richer man. In the butler business, we call that job security.”
Robert Friedman's short stories and humor pieces have appeared in Story Quarterly, Narrative, CAP News, Bongo News, Cosmos and many other publications.