America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)



Elderly Dog Still Waiting for His Day

By David Elliott

LONDON I was always brought up to believe that every dog has its day. Ive been looking forward to mine for years. So where is it?

Butch Descartes, a geriatric Labrador from the East London area, has become the centre of controversy in the canine community, after proclaiming himself to be the oldest living dog never to have had its day.

I mean, its embarrassing at my age! said the one-eyed, three-legged, balding, wheezing, dribbling wreck of a pooch. My wife had her day many years ago now. My children have all had theirs, and very nice days they were too. But what about me? Wheres my day? Dont I deserve one?

Butch, who has one working lung, no teeth, and an impressive collection of tumours, believes that time may be running out. It was coming face to face with his own mortality, accepting that he may not be long for this world, that brought the issue of his day, or lack of it, into the forefront of his mind.

Look, Im not getting any younger, says the flatulent, arthritic Butch, who recently survived three heart-attacks and a mini-stroke. If theres anybody out there who knows where my day is, when my day is, why I havent had it yet, and how Id go about getting it, then Id be eternally grateful. Its a very distressing situation for everybody involved.

Butch Descartes is eighteen years old and incontinent.