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The Satirist - Essays

These articles are in essay format.
See other long-form satires and satirical news.

Social Commentary

Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
Smoking cigarettes is a cult, a religion, a philosophy. Like most belief-systems, Smoking separates its adherents from non-adherents, leaving the faithful huddled together and zealous.

Trump and the Deep state

Thank god for the Deep State! If I thought Trump were really in charge, I wouldn’t sleep well at night.
Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.
While effective cult leaders have always been able to leverage the dreams of the dependent and co-dependent, the new millenium has opened up rare opportunities for those cult leaders with the boldness and vision to exploit them.
If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.

trump

The president is revising the dictionary of the English language! Though he’s a man with three adjectives, two pronouns and few verbs, he’s made considerable headway in a daunting project. Usually, he simply reverses the meaning of a word, a phrase, or an entire sentence. Lately, he’s ending most of his speeches with “Believe me”, repeating it at least twice, apparently unaware that believing him is an impossibility that automatically doubles itself, turning into an even bigger lie.

Annoying doesn’t begin to describe hearing highly personal questions on your own TV screen, especially if you’ve invited guests over to see the tennis finals or the Oscars. A revised 1960 commercial showing a dad sweeping the floor would be welcomed wholeheartedly by Americans and New Zealanders, the only people who have an acronym for Directly To Consumer. That’s DTC, and there ought to be a law against it.

toll booth

The ticket machines are about five and a half feet off the ground; too high and too far away for a sport coupe; too low and close by for the increasingly gigantic SUVS, and either high, low, door-scraping or unreachable for sedans, depending on the manufacturer and model. The driver cannot just hop off as if a car were a motorcycle or a bike. The immediate problem is no room at all for an open door because the ticket machine is in the way.

instincts

Not only is he very instinctual, but “my instinct turns out to be right”. The president said so himself, in the memorable Time magazine interview with Michael Scherer; the one including “I’m president, you’re not”.

Satirists, while equally poor, devoid of vitality and of natural hair, and equally unfit for human companionship (whether romantic, amicable or parental), are distinguished from the social critics chiefly by their bad complexions.
Even if your town has public consolation spaces where you can be bear-hugged by like-minded total strangers, that really doesn’t help PESS, especially if the hosts include complimentary coffee.
When queried about the sources of his ideology, he admits without blushing that he doesn’t read books: he forms his opinions by watching television.  When asked about the identity of his political advisors, he replied that he doesn’t need them since he has a good brain of his own, but would soon form a terrific team of prestigious counselors.

Robo Med

From the outside, Robo-Meds recall the video-game arcades of the 1990’s, only instead of the racket of gameplayers you’ll hear requests for diagnoses. The machines stand shoulder to shoulder without partitions and don’t require fancy buildings in upscale districts. Actually, they don’t even need roofs. They’re portable and weather-proof, like the Porto-San conveniences found on construction sites.  Robo-Meds automatically disinfect themselves after each patient. They will have waterproof curtains, so conversations will be semi-private; just you, your Robo-Doc and everyone else. Medical care will become a populist thing virtually overnight, replacing doctors’ offices with their bacteria-filled waiting rooms. The financial saving is huge for all concerned.

fitbit satire

Your social media feed is filled with people reporting Fitbit steps. While the whole Fitbit fad may seem silly to other people, as a gamer, you get it. Fitbit is a casual wrist or watch game, like the classic Space Invaders game for Casio watches. Its real goal isn't fitness, it is winning, and ideally the sort of total pwnage you can post on social media or stream on Twitch.
A first step should be selecting a country, preferably one without too many silent letters in its language. Countries where all the letters are pronounced make life abroad simpler. Spain and Italy both qualify there; Portugal less so, though South America remains a viable possibility.
The allegedly abusive mom tearfully admitted that she had indeed banned all junk food from her home. In between gasping for breath and blowing her nose, she further incriminated herself by mentioning that she had also banned all fried foods, sweets and pizza. She was apparently unaware that banning all food groups eaten by teenagers is akin to starving a child.
Look, you have issues with me; I have issues with you; do we really need to keep judging like this?
These first relatively minor losses were only the beginning. We now have an Emoji edition of the King James Bible, subtitled A Bible for Millennials, assembled by an anonymous Emoji wearing sunglasses.
You know when I look back at photos of my great-grandparents’ generation, I can’t help but to feel a bond and comradery. They were tough. I mean they shaved with straight razors. My great-grandpa was a farmer and a lumberjack and a carpenter and a fisherman and a soldier and a factory worker and a communist unionizer and a progressive. When I look at old pictures of him or any picture from that time period I think about all the sacrifices the Greatest Generation made, and thinking about their sacrifices helps me make my own.

wooly mammoth

De-extinction changes everything. Imagine driving north on California Route 1 and seeing your first woolly mammoth ambling across the road as you approach Big Sur. It will resemble an extremely hairy elephant with curved tusks that loop back to its eyes. Woolly mammoths are vastly different from the ordinary deer in the headlights. Our pre-historic ancestors hunted them into extinction by eating the inside and wearing the outside. Now, if all goes well, we will be able to atone for all that.
trump: noun;  deceit, fraud, trickery; of no value; rubbish; nonsense.
Hundreds of previously contented Cro-Magnon Americans are asserting their Neanderthal ancestry and signing up in droves to run for office.
When did three million Americans become so allergic to peanuts they couldn’t be in a Boeing 777 with a single peanut?
Going into 2016, I vowed to stop checking my social media sites on a daily – all right, hourly – basis and limit my visits to once a week. I knew I’d have to push myself far beyond my mental and perhaps even physical capacities.
Take a walk and just notice the world and the people in it. You’ll be glad that you’re alone.

Hillary Clinton

Not since Princess Diana has an entire population been so in love with one woman, a woman named Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Rickles

Eddie Fisher, Joan Rivers, Tommy Lasorda, Marlo Thomas and others remember the master of the insult, Don Rickles.










Education

This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
Growing food demands certain essential components that man, with his golf ball sized brain, took a lot of time learning to piece together: there is, of course, the seed, the fertilizer, the water, the sunlight, and I’ll stop there because I’m sure you can Google the rest.
No Child Left Behind was put in place to ensure that all students were given educational opportunity, but it could be argued that it did just the opposite.
Years ago, back when Al Gore invented the Internet, grammar began to ebb with the tide of changing times.

Literature

Reviewese gives us talk of ambitious, courageous, definitive, innovative, magisterial beach reads.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
Terms like satire and burlesque are defined.

Santa Claus and Sinterklaas are compared and contrasted.
In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment as the audience sees them.
My tax dollars were being used to pay someone to place all those cones along the highway in the morning and pick them up by noon after the group of non-workers were finished completing their morning task of doing absolutely nothing.
I am against eating Non Veg, but still I used to be sitting against Non Veg eaters in restaurant as I don't have any option. Most of my friends are Non Vegetarian and they will be eating mutton. I have love for goat but I can't stop having lunch with my friends and start having it with goat. What if chickens, goats etc are capable of eating humans, their menu would be Teenager 65, Adult Tandoori, Mature Biryani.
Many people watch the debates for the same reason they watch stock-car racing—they want to see somebody crash. Presidential debating faux pas are mythological moments in that thimble-sized part of the American psyche that thinks about the past. Think of Richard Nixon’s perspiration and five o’clock shadow against Kennedy in 1960. Think of Ford’s assertion in 1976 that the Russians did not control Poland. Think of Carter in 1980 relating how he had just asked little Amy Carter what concerned her the most (nuclear arms control), which was spun into the image that Carter consulted little Amy on nuclear policy.

Satires and Satirical News

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Amsterdam Essays

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