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The Satirist - Essays

See also long-form satires and satirical news.

Social Commentary

If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
Smoking cigarettes is a cult, a religion, a philosophy. Like most belief-systems, Smoking separates its adherents from non-adherents, leaving the faithful huddled together and zealous.
Even if your town has public consolation spaces where you can be bear-hugged by like-minded total strangers, that really doesn’t help PESS, especially if the hosts include complimentary coffee.
When queried about the sources of his ideology, he admits without blushing that he doesn’t read books: he forms his opinions by watching television.  When asked about the identity of his political advisors, he replied that he doesn’t need them since he has a good brain of his own, but would soon form a terrific team of prestigious counselors.
A first step should be selecting a country, preferably one without too many silent letters in its language. Countries where all the letters are pronounced make life abroad simpler. Spain and Italy both qualify there; Portugal less so, though South America remains a viable possibility.
The allegedly abusive mom tearfully admitted that she had indeed banned all junk food from her home. In between gasping for breath and blowing her nose, she further incriminated herself by mentioning that she had also banned all fried foods, sweets and pizza. She was apparently unaware that banning all food groups eaten by teenagers is akin to starving a child.
Gossip is a form of legal tender, a social coinage we enjoy spending or saving as we would any other form of currency. To hear gossip is like finding coins in the street. "I can use this later," you may think as someone tells you something, in a whispered hush, or from a quiet place.
Look, you have issues with me; I have issues with you; do we really need to keep judging like this?
While effective cult leaders have always been able to leverage the dreams of the dependent and co-dependent, the new millenium has opened up rare opportunities for those cult leaders with the boldness and vision to exploit them.
These first relatively minor losses were only the beginning. We now have an Emoji edition of the King James Bible, subtitled A Bible for Millennials, assembled by an anonymous Emoji wearing sunglasses.
You know when I look back at photos of my great-grandparents’ generation, I can’t help but to feel a bond and comradery. They were tough. I mean they shaved with straight razors. My great-grandpa was a farmer and a lumberjack and a carpenter and a fisherman and a soldier and a factory worker and a communist unionizer and a progressive. When I look at old pictures of him or any picture from that time period I think about all the sacrifices the Greatest Generation made, and thinking about their sacrifices helps me make my own.
I am against eating Non Veg, but still I used to be sitting against Non Veg eaters in restaurant as I don't have any option. Most of my friends are Non Vegetarian and they will be eating mutton. I have love for goat but I can't stop having lunch with my friends and start having it with goat. What if chickens, goats etc are capable of eating humans, their menu would be Teenager 65, Adult Tandoori, Mature Biryani.

wooly mammoth

De-extinction changes everything. Imagine driving north on California Route 1 and seeing your first woolly mammoth ambling across the road as you approach Big Sur. It will resemble an extremely hairy elephant with curved tusks that loop back to its eyes. Woolly mammoths are vastly different from the ordinary deer in the headlights. Our pre-historic ancestors hunted them into extinction by eating the inside and wearing the outside. Now, if all goes well, we will be able to atone for all that.
trump: noun;  deceit, fraud, trickery; of no value; rubbish; nonsense.
Hundreds of previously contented Cro-Magnon Americans are asserting their Neanderthal ancestry and signing up in droves to run for office.
When did three million Americans become so allergic to peanuts they couldn’t be in a Boeing 777 with a single peanut?
Going into 2016, I vowed to stop checking my social media sites on a daily – all right, hourly – basis and limit my visits to once a week. I knew I’d have to push myself far beyond my mental and perhaps even physical capacities.
Take a walk and just notice the world and the people in it. You’ll be glad that you’re alone.
Satirists, while equally poor, devoid of vitality and of natural hair, and equally unfit for human companionship (whether romantic, amicable or parental), are distinguished from the social critics chiefly by their bad complexions.

Hillary Clinton

Not since Princess Diana has an entire population been so in love with one woman, a woman named Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Education

This paper uses analogies to establish visualized connections between football and citation analysis as used to compute impact factor in academic publishing.
Growing food demands certain essential components that man, with his golf ball sized brain, took a lot of time learning to piece together: there is, of course, the seed, the fertilizer, the water, the sunlight, and I’ll stop there because I’m sure you can Google the rest.
No Child Left Behind was put in place to ensure that all students were given educational opportunity, but it could be argued that it did just the opposite.
Years ago, back when Al Gore invented the Internet, grammar began to ebb with the tide of changing times.

Literature

Reviewese gives us talk of ambitious, courageous, definitive, innovative, magisterial beach reads.
Death to adjectives, adverbs, verbs-to-be, colons, semi-colons, the second person, ellipses, exclamatories, passives, pariphrastics; i before e except after c. But not always.
Terms like satire and burlesque are defined.

Santa Claus and Sinterklaas are compared and contrasted.
In Set List, comics get topics thrown at them sans script. Instead of going on stage with a set list containing one's time-tested jokes, comics receive the topics for their comedy set at the same moment as the audience sees them.
My tax dollars were being used to pay someone to place all those cones along the highway in the morning and pick them up by noon after the group of non-workers were finished completing their morning task of doing absolutely nothing.

Amsterdam Essays

See Amsterdam

Satires and Satirical News

See also more satires and satirical news.

See all articles here