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The Satirist - News

Trump

President Donald Trump announced today that he would not “sign on for a second season playing the President.” Trump admitted that the role of U.S. President was more challenging than he had ever imagined, and his previous acting experience had not fully prepared him for the part. “You have to make huge, huge sacrifices for the role. Keeping up my world-class golfing skills while playing the President has been an enormous challenge. I also have less time on Twitter.”

Crying

One very lucky Boston teenager survived a harrowing 45 minutes while dining with her family on April 19, 2017. "I thought she was going to die," her younger sister explained with tears in her eyes. "There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless!"

Globe

“Months, years, even decades, I once devoted to planning, and participating in, mission trips,” Baines confessed, wagging his head in sad amusement. “Time wasted.”

protest

“God Bless the CIA” read the large banner above the crowd in Lafayette Square in Washington, DC, right across from the White House. A group of more than 300 Anti-Trump protestors were showing their support for the CIA, the fabled American intelligence agency whose illustrious history of violent revolution, extra-judicial killing, and media disinformation has inspired democracy-lovers and imitators around the globe.

New Jersey transit

Larry Rabinowitz-Chen and his wife, Zephyr, had always loved their sun-filled, pre-war, 700-square foot, third-floor walkup in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn. But with the arrival, in 2016, of triplets, Yoko, Binky, and Syd, they began to think the unthinkable: moving to the suburbs. Like many die-hard Brooklynites, they’d grown to love the vibe of their neighborhood: triple venti-soy-no foam lattes at Caffeine Heaven; fixed-gear bike shops; and diversity (where else could you find such a balanced mix of graduates of both the good and not-so-good Ivies?). Yet they knew they needed more space.

Back

New research conducted by scientists at the University of Oxford has validated the findings of Sir Mix-A-Lot, whose 1986 publication, "Baby Got Back," first challenged long-held views about the correlation between butt size and general health.

Trump

President Trump added that the deposed Flynn had “done a tremendous job. He did amazing things. He will go down in the history books as one of the best national security advisors we’ve ever had. Believe me. I am one of the best Presidents ever for picking National Security Advisors. So I know.”

No Non Indo-European Words

Following massive protests in the United States and around the world, President Trump has rescinded his ban on immigrants from seven Muslim countries. In its place, he has issued a new Executive Order (EO) banning non Indo-European words.

Great

On the 25th of January, 2017, Chinese president Xi Jimping banned great from all new schoolbooks, kindergarten to university levels. Beginning on January 28th, the start of the Chinese New Year, students in classes where English is taught will be requested not to use that word to describe anything at all. The Wondrous Wall will be the new official name for China’s unique national treasure.

Trump

The allegedly abusive mom tearfully admitted that she had indeed banned all junk food from her home. In between gasping for breath and blowing her nose, she further incriminated herself by mentioning that she had also banned all fried foods, sweets and pizza. She was apparently unaware that banning all food groups eaten by teenagers is akin to starving a child.

Trump Santa

The world was stunned this week when soon-to-be President, Donald Trump, announced he would take the lead on selecting a new Santa Claus, after the beloved St. Nicholas was found dead in his North Pole mansion under curious circumstances.
Donald J. Trump parachuted, from his helicopter, onto the daïs at today’s inauguration, with a pair of underpants on his head—royal blue boxers, with the Trump logo in gold threads—dislocating the shoulder of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, who was there to swear him in. 

Ministry of Truth

“The big difference between the U.S. and Russia is that here our media is produced by private media companies. In Russia they have obvious state propaganda organs with ridiculous names like Pravda. Here have a brand new Ministry of Truth. And while they have obvious propaganda organs such as Russia Today, we have venerable and stimulating publications such as USA Today, which is also very colorful.”

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.
Mr. Trump, giving an impromptu interview from the lingerie department at a Manhattan Victoria’s Secret boutique, confirmed this new campaign promise.  “Yes, yes. I promise not to commit sexual assault during the final debate, before, or even after I crush Crooked Hillary Clinton and celebrate backstage.”

correction fluid

“People who claim that they need Correction Fluid or Magic Markers have already flagged themselves as having a suspicious attachment to outdated, essentially useless, technologies,” said ODC press liaison Mack Bolan, in announcing the new bans.
I’m incredibly sorry to have missed you when you were in New York, but I was somewhere in what I call flyover country.
Unlike its competition, The LoserCast’s ground-breaking Lose-O-Meter technology is not based on math. The LoserCast model averts the fundamental flaw of forecasting engines that rely on things like “numbers” and “statistics” and “scientific formulas.”
“I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”
Called “Find My Spy”, the app is designed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. The app has already gone viral and has been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far.
"My comprehensive plan will cover all necessary and essential medical care for men—Viagra, paternity tests for nuisance lawsuits, and hand enlargement surgery for men who aren't as well-endowed as I am."
“We in Dixie have a responsibility to stand up against injustice, and particularly injustice against ourselves. When we heard about the brave folks in England who finally stood up and declared they’d had enough of the EU, it got us scratching our heads – and we realized, you know what? So have we!”
“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

bridge cards

Under the new protocol, the highest-ranking suit will no longer be called trump in an effort to distance the popular pastime from any negative association with the Republican party’s nominee.
Pope Francis's earth- (and, some say, heaven-)shattering acknowledgment that God, in the traditional sense, almost certainly does not exist, came last week during a meeting of Rome's diocese in Saint John Lateran basilica in Rome.
"I called my opponents liars; I questioned their manhood; I questioned their character; I questioned their birthright; I questioned their ethics; I called them dumb and stupid; I made fun of handicapped people; I cast aspersions on John McCain; I attacked Jeb with the cudgel of his brother George; I attacked Wall Street. The more obnoxious I became, the more people cheered and supported me."
One group that more than agrees that the president's disarming smile could pose a severe threat to society at large is the National Rifle Association.
An unemployed man in Cleveland, Ohio believes that the US government’s vast overseas empire and interventionist foreign policy benefit him personally.
I'm a big thinker, as anyone will tell you. Very big. I have a very big brain with lots of very big ideas. And my big brain told me that nobody was better qualified for the position of Vice President in the Trump administration than the renowned Trump ego.

TTIP Eurovision

“We want to be a part of the inner sanctum of European traditions. First World Cup, now Eurovision, and later GMO food on every table in Europe.”
Back to Digong though. I tell you Megyn, this man, who has Mexican ancestors, is a giant (which shows I’m no racist) and will do things for his country that even Clint Eastwood would have had a hard time accomplishing.

Canada border

A 20 foot electrified fence will be constructed across the Western provinces.
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate.”
Superheroes are tragic characters. Take Batman and Superman for example. One, because both lost their parents. Two, because both are alienated from the real world because of their powers. And three, because love is impossible for both.
More and more Americans, however, are not using the opportunity to grow closer to Christ but as an attempt to lose weight before beach season.

Trump

You judges, you tasters – especially you Frenchies who think you have such great wines – you’re in for a treat. A real treat. These are terrific wines. Believe me, terrific. I want you to see what some really great wine tastes like.
We’re sacrificial lambs anyway, the nominees agreed, admitting that the President’s endorsement was an honor, even if it remained a family secret.
In its latest attempt to “win hearts and minds” in the Middle East, the Pentagon has announced a new program of dropping Christmas presents alongside selected bombs and cruise missiles in difficult theaters such as Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.
"Even Obama can beat Syria or whoever. It’s a walk in the park."

Trump

Donald Trump announced today that he will be moderating an upcoming Republican candidates debate on the Fox network.
A recent Northwestern graduate, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been hanging out in some of Chicago’s most dangerous neighborhoods in the hopes he might falsely get convicted of murder.
Here at Fox News, we only call for war if the Pentagon says it is necessary and justified.
Let us not forget that she also has posed nude in Playboy magazine. This is definitely one thing that cannot be said about any of the other men whose portraits are on our currency.
Jason is offended that the public couldn’t believe he read 1,079 pages, plus a lot of footnotes. He totally read it, okay?
Speaking to us from his Himalayan salt-encrusted mud hut during now rare moments of lucidity, he remained optimistic that holistic care would prove effective in saving his life.
"Yes, the holy water blessed by priests at my local church is holy too, but it’s probably not as holy as water from the glass of Pope Francis, which may even contain traces of his holy slobber."

VW

Merkel stated: "Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can."

"The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting," said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. "We promise. Personally, I'm betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can't wait."

spy giraffe

Irving McDonald High School proudly upholds “a zero tolerance policy toward free thinking or learning outside of the Common Core experience.”
"I mean, I never thought I would need my gun to go see a movie. I'll never make that mistake again."

TPP

"Yes, we could tell you what's in the TPP, but then we would have to kill you."
"How could the world even function without our brilliant sarcasm? People would remain forever blind to their moral failings, especially when we enrage them by ridiculing their most sacred beliefs. That is a real service to all humanity."
Facebook executives have confirmed rumors of an unprecedented new feature which will automatically scan your Facebook News Feed for opinions, datasets, and scientific facts which might possibly upset you--then alter them to match your beliefs.

Can-throwing kid

As of January 1st, all students entering kindergarten in the school system will be required to demonstrate their ability to throw canned food (SBP 100.2)
Dulles' study of 2,000 young people aged 18 to 29 found that 'only 5% were willing to protest anything--no matter how unjust. And most of them are crazy.'

Fed lowers interest rates to i

"An interest rate of i actually makes sense in this era of ultra-low interest rates and massive quantitative easing."
Senator Tom Cotton may have a history of sending out ill-conceived, pedantic letters.

olive oil

"Next he will say that the Virgin Mary wasn’t extra virgin! Or that we never went to the moon!"

Harry Reid eye

Reid said he has been reading up to three books a day, along with five magazines cover to cover, since he was eight.
When pressed as to why he ever agreed to appear at the event, Scalise said that he thought he was going to be speaking at a conference of the ARLU, which is the Ayn Rand Liberties Union.
"When the union strongly suggested we shun someone, I volunteered right away. Organized passive aggression?? This I understand!"

Rupert Murdoch has confessed that The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.
Though generally believed to be caused by changes of density and pressure in the Earth’s crust, GOP leaders say they are outraged that the President allowed such a thing to happen on American soil.
I Wanna Hold Your Head, Shia Loves You and other classic hits
The IRS stated that: Corporate persons generate far more jobs than unincorporated persons (so-called individuals), and thus are far more important to the economy.
This decision will open the doors to other companies who will shed costly employee benefit programs by trusting in God instead.

computer passwords

"It would be healthy for the economy."
Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.
Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.
Eurovision will still be broadcast in Russia, so that Russia will be envious of this glorious European tradition from which they have now been justly excluded.
The NSA has reportedly been overwhelmed by requests for copies of lost data from desperate individuals whose computer hard drives have crashed.
"I love football so much that I thought I would rather donate to the NFL than the Red Cross...What has the Red Cross done lately?"
The delegates to the annual World Economic Forum (WEF) insist that they are not an out-of-touch elite, but are actually unappreciated servants of humanity.
Syria has been secretly fostering its own special brand of pop kitsch in a desperate bid to win Eurovision and thus humanize their people before a global audience and perhaps stave off a US-led NATO drone attack.

World Leaders on summer break

Despite an enjoyable summer in elite resorts, the world's political and economic leaders are planning to resume screwing up the world again in early September.
A new coterie of health experts are forging ahead with what is being called the self-punishment movement
If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
"Now we have discovered markers that indicate whether an individual is likely to spend his limited days on this earth inhaling cannabis smoke and afterwards compulsively eating snack foods and laughing at stupid movies."
For many Apple consumers, the long delay between product releases from the Cupertino, California hardware giant is proving harmful to their emotional well-being.

Support the Troops: US Troops to Be Quartered in Private Homes. The Obama Administration today announced its new Support the Troops policy: the quartering US troops and domestic security agents in private residences.

Conservatives and Liberals Still Convinced They Can Convert Each Other. 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling.

drone

Drones May Not Attack Banks, says new US Drone Czar. Let me clear. We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank.

Gérard Depardieu Moves to Antarctica as New Russian Wealth Tax Takes Effect. French actor Gérard Depardieu, who only recently moved to Russia, has moved to Antarctica.

Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast. Several of Zed's Facebook Friends have taken the time Like his Funeral page.

Inside Trader Sentenced to His Mansion in Mali for One Year

Romney: Hurricane Sandy Victims Will Be Saved by Free Market

Halloween Trick-or-Treaters Cited for Extortion

EU flag

European Union Declared a Saint

Mitt Romney Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

Mitt Romney wins Nobel Prize in Literature

Romney Takes a Firm Stand against Gay Polygamy

Supporters Praise Romney for "Not Being Obama"

Survey of Billionaires Proves They Never Conspire Together

Newspaper Delays Story to Verify Pentagon Report

US Unemployment Drops to 0%

Local Man Loves Wife Too Much; Nauseates Friends

NFL to Replace Replacement Officials with Actual Zebras

Mitt Romney: "the 99% are not the type of people who would vote for me"

US Abolishes Labor Day Holiday; Establishes "Capitalist Overlord Day" in Its Place

"Painter of Light" Banished to Darkness for All Eternity

Turd Terrorist Hits Popular Waterpark

For the third time this season Alpine Meadows Water Park in Grandville, CO has been soiled in what now has been called a growing trend of turd terrorism.

US Navy plagued by rash of submarine thefts by children. Lance Corporal William Jenson was not surprised when he saw Noah Jones running and giggling down the pier towards the missile submarine USS South Carolina, even though Noah was only 5 years old.

Supreme Court Rules Tasing Pregnant Woman Not "Excessive Force"

Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People

Meat Packer Introduces “Pink Slime Classic”

IRS: Frozen Bodies Still Subject to Income Tax

Amsterdam High School Relocates to Save Historic Coffeeshop

New Reality TV Show "Foreclosure"

U.S. Drops 10,000 Tons of Boots on Libya

Americans Protest Public Healthcare, Retirement Benefits, Student Loans, and Public Water

Republicans Morally Superior to Democrats

Las Vegas Opens Niagara Falls Hotel

Prostitutes Win $4.3 Million Suit Against Screenwriter's Guild

Michael Moore Fears Death in Plane Crash

Capitology Fastest Growing Religion in U.S.

2009 Financial Headlines

Election 2004: Bush Still Deciding On Margin of Victory

9/11 Commission: Cheney May Hold Bush’s Hand During Testimony

Cheney Ponders Whether To Seize Saudi Arabia’s Oil Now or Later

Supreme Court Declares Bush President of Iraq by 5-4 Vote

King Willie The Slick, Then Junior Bushleague

Democrats Don’t Love Families As Much, says GOP Candidate

The "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Man March Draws Millions to DC, Ends In Disaster

Gore "Too Knowledgeable" For Highest Office, Bush Better Dinner Companion, Poll Finds

The Scripted 2000 Presidential Debates

Old Document Proves "Puff the Magic Dragon" a ’Drug Song’

“Shred of Decency” Discovered in Clinton’s Boyhood Home

Gore Names Clinton VP Running Mate