America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Four cartoons from Tom Deisboeck.
Let me be perfectly clear: President Donald J. Trump is not a murderer. I say this with absolute certainty. Our president is a fine man, a wonderful husband and father not to mention a billionaire and pure genius in business. There is no possible way he could ever murder someone. The buildings, shampoo, pet collars, sofas, ceramic vases, moisturizers, barstools, steaks, mirrors, shower caps, dress shirts, vodka, bath towels, wall decorations, pet leashes, ties, lighting fixtures, body wash, universities, table lamps, eyeglasses, chandeliers, spring water, laundry bags, cocktail tables, cologne, bedding, suits, cabinets, and wine that bear his name are all the absolute best of their kind and the envy of all of his many competitors and detractors.
Pops says that I'm not gonna get into a fancy college like Yale unless I have something interesting to write about, and seeing as I'm a blockhead (according to Pops) there's nothing doing in that department right now. So Pops suggests we go on a hiking trip to drum up some excitement.
I finally had to break down and admit that my father’s obsessive mastication habit had just gotten out of control; I took him to his first Masticators Anonymous meeting earlier this week.
Three cartoons from Tom Deisboeck.
As a new-born mommy, not only was I now responsible for another living creature (!) but also, had to get acquainted with my new self—me as mom, not mummified, but mommified. Has there ever been such a miracle as the birth of a new-made mommy? I think not, friends.
"The work of Copernicus was a breakthrough," said NASA astronomer Morgan Meteorlicker. "It enabled the correct understanding of astronomical observations over the centuries since, and the development of mathematical equations that now enable us to predict a variety of astrophysical phenomena, like eclipses, with great accuracy."
Hillary Clinton -- Yes, Trump could be right. I do have a few Russian connections; dinner twice at the Russian Tea Room before it closed in 2012, and as I recall, we had Beef Stroganoff and Chicken Kiev, though I don’t remember ordering caviar or borscht, or which time I had the chicken and Bill had the beef. When Chelsea was about 3, she had a set of Matryoshka nesting dolls. If only she had saved them for Charlotte, we would be glad to turn them over to the investigation.
"I have great respect for the Pope. I really like the Pope. I actually like him."
S1.E1 “The Birth of Jesus” – Mary miraculously gives birth to Jesus, despite having never had relations with her husband Joseph. The next day, traveling Magi stop by with gifts for the newborn Savior, but no one is there, because Mary has her first homeschool co-op meeting, and Joseph thinks paid paternity leave is just a crutch for the socially dependent.
The Trumpicule: Read along with the President for a secret message from our Russian sponsors.
Application for the Position of White House Mistress and/or Assistant Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs
But can I tell you a little secret? My favorite---and I mean FAVORITE!---designer is none other than, wait for it, can you guess? That’s right: none other than Ivanka Trump, your stunning daughter who looks just like you and not like her whore of a foreign mother.
Up and down, indeed! If it weren’t blasphemous, I’d say you have the power to see through walls. (nervously) You don’t, do you? Well, I was just in the middle of a set of chin-ups when you called. Nothing like some vigorous chin-ups with your hands gripped tightly around the ol’ rod to cool things down. As a matter of fact, Vice-President Ryan has joined me for some late evening calisthenics.
Recent suspicions circulating on social media of a toxic, communicable disease have been verified. According to the CPC (Center for Paranoia Control), scientists have discovered a strange virus infecting people from all walks of life. This nefarious disease affects the behavior and communication centers of the brain, rendering its victims oblivious to their own condition but, ironically, hyper-sensitive to the existence of the disease in others. Apparently, this virulent strain is seasonal in nature, reaching epidemic proportions about every four year election cycle.
The Field Guide to People of the USA is the most up-to-date resource for identifying Homo sapiens living in the United States of America. From the Lame-Brained Politico to the Loose-Lipped Rumormonger to the Bigmouth Yenta, the People of the USA is replete with a dizzying array of creatures unrivalled in the animal kingdom.
For those of you who just couldn’t take it anymore and shut off the news last spring, let me commend you – and briefly summarize what has happened in the interim. Hillary won (of course), and just three weeks ago, she gave a very gracious, unifying inaugural address after being sworn in by Justice Merrick Garland, whose nomination to the Supreme Court was confirmed during the lame-duck session.
Despite his Ultimate Celebrity status, Jesus Christ has been unable to schedule a meeting with President Trump, so recently the King of Kings made a surprise morning appearance in Trump’s bedroom. He materialized near a table covered with golf trophies, a marble bust of Trump, and a book by Dale Carnegie, intent on assisting the new leader with the challenges of office.
All users of UberOLD must hand their device over to the nearest grandchild. The grandchild will be pre-authorized with an admin-level login. Signing on as admin, the grandchild will set up the application for his or her grandparent. The admin/grandchild will load all doctors’ addresses and other common grandparent destinations.
Essentially, by utilizing CBT you can control your thoughts, thereby affecting your actions, which will in turn improve your emotions. It’s a simple process and begins with a step known as RESTRUCTURING.
Welcome to JUPITER, and the incredible luxury of autonomous driving! Take a nap for the entire trip; eat, drink (not to excess, because JUPITER has an electronic breathalyzer and will report you). Relax or work; call your mother, warm up a pizza, pour your coffee and have a quick ride in the carpool lane. The car is your driver. Bewildered? Uneasy? Terrified? JUPITER’S help team has an answer for all your questions.
Top Ten Unanswered Requests Sent By Certified Mail To My Slumlord Who Claims To Have No Email Address
#1. I request that you reimburse me for having to purchase, upon move-in, a working carbon monoxide detector, three tubes of Super Glue to fix the broken toilet, two bottles of Drano Snake Plus Tool + Gel System for the clogged tub, and supplies (and four hours of labor) to scrub the black grime off the floors and windows and to caulk the cracked tiled bathroom walls.
Q. Stuff that jolly in a stocking, Tubby! You are being detained for attempting to enter the United States illegally as an undocumented worker, attempting to illegally transport livestock across the United States border, and attempting to bring commercial goods into the country without authorization in violation of the North American Free Trade Agreement. A. You’re going to hit me with NAFTA?
What if families made economic decisions the way some American businesses do?
According to state patrician, Adrastia Aurelia Faustulus, a new approach to increase student apathy is about to roll over factory facilitators at the Corporate College of Rogue Isle.
It's time to tell you what my plans are after I abolish all medical care. I'm starting my own medical school, which won’t be a problem. I founded a university, so I'm simply adding a medical school to it. I'll be accepting applications beginning January 21st.
If Donald Trump is elected President, do you plan to: D. actively seek asylum with Edward Snowden in Moscow
Chairman, Federal Communications Commission: Howard Stern, Minister Plenipotentiary: Kim Kardashian and other favorites
Scenario: Imagine that the leader of a powerful foreign country publicly insults your physical appearance (for example, your small hands, ludicrous hairstyle, inadequate genitalia, or $12,000 ladies' pant suit). How do you respond?
Scenario: Imagine that the leader of a powerful foreign country publicly insults your physical appearance (for example, your small hands, ludicrous hairstyle, inadequate genitalia, or $12,000 ladies' pant suit). How do respond?
What’s with the Roman-style get-up anyway? She’s dressed like Caesar’s wife—rather than a hip, street-smart 21st century female. Frankly, I feel humiliated when I glance her way! And can you imagine what stylish foreigners must think?
You will not be conscious from the time you leave your home until the following morning when you wake up in one of our nine luxurious resort locations.
The author argues that the true OC (Oedipus complex) comes from identification with the family’s pet rather than identification with the father, as previously thought. In the classic scenario, the OC is interpreted as fear of punishment (i.e. castration) by the father for sexual attraction to mother; in the proposed hypothesis, a fear of castration is linked to a mother who neuters a pet. In a way, it is understood as punishment for maturation by means of castration.
A handful of the letters mentioned in Mr. Thornehopper’s entry were used as tinder during the great snow storm of 1947, when several members of the museum’s curatorial staff were trapped in the underbelly of the building without heat or electricity for a full week, but the following missives have survived, giving us a scintillating view into the lives of Zeus and his ancient comrades.
THE BANDUNG CONFERENCE: International meeting to prohibit fertilizing produce with manure / A trade agreement among the US, Africa & Asia / A city in northwest China, known for its shirt factories / None of the above
Help me win the primary / Please don’t be an absentee / If I win, everything’s free / Need a new flat screen TV????????
You might be sick of me / But Bill said “run!” and I deserve to / To move back to DC / That’s all I want, to be your POTUS / Forget darned Benghazi! / I’ll tell it my way…
The speaker is referring to a dilapidated country called the Grand Union of Free States that was established after the South’s victory in the Civil War. The year is 2030, but GUFS has stuck to its core principles and remains a slave state that’s separated from America by a long, Berlin-like wall running along the old cease-fire line from Virginia to the Rio Grande.
“When the idea of getting to know a new person feels better than drinking all day or crying all night, you’re probably ready to start dating.”
From her early tentative pieces, such as the Bulemia Cantata, to later darker works notably the Toe Variations, and, of course, famously, her lighter sallies–paramount among them 1978’s The Hemorrhoid Symphony–Soames always kept herself, her music, and by extension her audience, in intimate contact with her body, its idiosyncrasies, its foibles, its squeaks and its moans.
Thank you for bringing to my attention your view that our completely bankrupt white-male Eurocentric hegemonic curriculum must give way to a more enlightened pluralistic multi-culturalism if we, as a people, are to curtail the forces of imperialistic phallic oppression.
We give the best possible service and do not hurry and make errors. All clients are precious to us.
Ryan laid a hand on Reince’s belly. “Donald, be reasonable. Come out of there now. Let’s discuss this like adults.
Showers will soon be permitted only once per week. Precious shower water must then be recycled and the tainted muck must be used to cook pasta.
I had a little time on my hands today so I wanted to say hello and let you know that Your Shopping Cart Is Empty.
Rivki Haddassah Schlimovitz, 17, the daughter of Menachem and Esther Schlimovitz of Kiriat Joel, was married last night to Shlomo Yehuda Wachtelkoenigstein, 38, son of Gershon and Shulie Wachtelkoenigstein, of Borough Park, at the Rebbe Yitchak Feshtunkena Center in Monsey, New York.
Jake Tapper, CNN: So Mr. Trump, some evangelical Christians have suggested that you’re the Anti-Christ.
Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, "it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life," today retracted her statement.
"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of building hotel casinos on the moon and returning the cash safely."
Take a walk and just notice the world and the people in it. You’ll be glad that you’re alone.
I admire Charlie Brown’s despondence with the world. The ending is completely unrealistic, as there’s nothing really to appreciate about an anorexic Christmas tree.
Mr. Trump, In your opening statement tonight, you said, “Carly Fiorina? I wouldn’t f@%k her with Mike Huckabee’s d#@k.” Can you see how a remark like that could be considered offensive?
“Thoughts and prayers” has served our clients well since its formal implementation in 2012, but, like all position statements, it is reaching the end of its empathy lifecycle.
AGENT: The president will be here in a minute, Prime Minister. And… (whispering to Netanyahu) He’s not in a good mood. It’s the first Sunday he’s missed a golf game in – well – forever.
"Somebody, somewhere, could just throw a switch, and we would all be mind-controlled. That's why I usually wear this tin-foil hat."
Converting shopping malls into prisons could be a good solution for the U.S. economy!
If the recent leaks about the US government's surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.
I believe the abilities I’ve developed during my career as The Master Designer of the World and All That Dwell Therein make me an excellent candidate for this opportunity.
Public works projects such as The Bridge to Nowhere, a Tunnel to China, or a Highway to Heaven could really stimulate the economy.
Rumours of the existence of the animal spy unit began to emerge in the 1970s, leading to the expression, “a fly on the wall”, entering the public lexicon.
AntiBiox+ is the flagship of a new suite of placebos called the AARP or Antibiotic Addiction Resistance Program, which can be secretly dispensed to a patient as ‘antibiotics’ if, in the doctor’s opinion, real antibiotics are not warranted and the patient is a tool.
As a managerial tool, sending recalcitrant employees out for smile training is considered one of the most important breakthroughs in personnel management.
"Yo, Karl Rove, how do you like Ohio now? Apologies. I just got an urge to throw a shout out to one of Fox News’ fave guests and the maker of my most memorable moment from the 2012 election. Not a lot of psephology needed except to say 47% don’t win a two man race, and that was Mittens’ main complaint..."
DESDEMONA- T'would be better to pluck the offending organ from thyself than to share it with every harlot that eye doth take hold of.
"A proper sentence for you sir would be for the fiction of your work to become the reality of your life! You foul the name of even the gaol you will pestify with your presence!"
Midnight’s Sunshine, Wanda Buchanan's first novel, explores in a brisk and emotively effective way the varieties of familial relations and their discontents during twenty-two chapters of exciting and heart-felt moments.
Hillary: Well, Ryan, as long as I can remember I've wanted to be THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL.
Dr. Lana Amene developed a device about the size of a Smartphone that could be directed at a person, or persons, and when activated cause them to spontaneously evacuate their bowels.
A gradual process of attrition through death, sickness, and injury would eventually eliminate horses in Central Park.
There are plenty of other special-interest groups that could be formed—Stupid-Americans, Fat-Americans, Angry-Americans, American-Elitists—and I believe they should be formed.
OMG! Did you hear? Potomac/Beltway VIPs are texting like crazy. Some are even phoning. This is a scoop of all scoops, hot and heavy with anger, as well as sex.
The new disorders show the willingness of American psychiatry to see psychiatric disorders for what they are: renewable sources of billable hours.
For those interested in getting into this lucrative field here are a few ideas on the subject.
Give prisoners drugs to calm them down.
Together, these three new passwords should form a complete sentence, with effective punctuation, proper capitalization, and at least one number divisible by three. Show your work.
Once upon a time in the United States of Amnesia lived a king called King Willie The Slick. Now King Willie was a popular king, known throughout the land for his big smile and feathery head of hair. But one day King Willie the Slick was caught smoking a cigar that had been dipped in the sweet nectar of a harmonica flower.
Much to the dismay of Howdy Doody and the Princess, Mr. Bluster's first major initiative was to pick a fight with all the teachers in She Wore a New Jersey.
Saint Nicholas has a pithy response for the tax collector.
While effective cult leaders have always been able to leverage the dreams of the dependent and co-dependent, the new millenium has opened up rare opportunities for those cult leaders with the boldness and vision to exploit them.
With only 15 questions, the Breyers-Devere Probe measures five personality categories, as opposed to merely four used by Myers-Briggs.
Take the Test!
Hoyt, born in Boston in 1920, claimed in her Autobiography (1985) that she was first drawn to psychoanalysis after meeting Freud himself during a family vacation to Austria in early 1938, just before Hitler’s annexation of Austria.
Satirists, while equally poor, devoid of vitality and of natural hair, and equally unfit for human companionship (whether romantic, amicable or parental), are distinguished from the social critics chiefly by their bad complexions.
Disney's latest venture into the Bible.
Disney bravely depicts Old Testament sex and violence.
Disney creates a beautifully animated rendition of the Biblical apocalypse.
Disney's remake of George Orwell's anti-totalitarian masterpiece.
Orwell's satire of communism is presented in a more child-friendly light.
Tarantino's familiar cinematic tactics are recycled again.
We review the career of the critically acclaimed movie director of Scent of a Banknote and The Lusitania.
Reviews of Imaginary Novels
An imaginary review of a modern Pynchon conspiracy work.
The Third Leg sees Irving recycle his familiar themes.
This undiscovered work, possibly by Faulkner, shows his unique command of deranged first-person narration.
As boring as a three hour black and white film with subtitles containing a total of three shots of the same three speed bicycle sitting outside a café in the rain.
Lost Geniuses chronicles the life and works of the most important overlooked creative geniuses of our time.
Towering over his oppressed contemporaries stands Maxim Maximovitch Sazonov, philosopher and poet, whose bleak vision of an absurd world may eventually earn him a posthumous reputation as one of the strongest poets in Russian history.
The great German composer and musicologist Felix Spielenhammer left an indelible mark on musical history. His development as a composer and theorist mirrors developments in twentieth century music as a whole.
Was one of the most influential philosophers of our time an audacious plagiarist?
The Anti-Artist, Karl Kinskii never fathered his own school of art, but was an artist highly susceptible to artistic fashions, and so his oeuvre parallels many developments in twentieth century art, including Cubism, Dadaism, Surrealism, and Abstract Expressionism.
Donzkerzijde was one of the most ludicrous failure of golden age Dutch architecture.
Hoyt, born in Boston in 1920, claimed in her Autobiography (1985) that she was first drawn to psychoanalysis after meeting Freud himself during a family vacation to Austria in early 1938, just before Hitler’s annexation of Austria.
Alexandria Czechtealeaves, a humble orange rind collector in Pensacola, Florida, has muttered some of the most astonishing predictions in modern psychic history. During her lifetime, her predictions earned her a fanatical following, some of whom made the pilgrimage to Pensacola, hoping to catch a glimpse of the hunched old woman as she forages through dumpsters, in search of prophetic orange rinds.
"America's fullness is a bad fullness; an emptiness. America is full of emptiness, because it is too full of fullness. It is even empty of emptiness—but in the bad way."
"For first let me applaud the title of your Publication. An Onion is by far the most approved Object for your Endeavour, as it moves Tears in the eyes of even the most Savage and inhuman breast."
"The brilliance of Breakfast Dessert in all its glorious manifestations is that it is eaten after and in addition to breakfast."
The following translation of an ancient Roman papyrus scroll recently unearthed by the distinguished Harvard archeologist Dr. Reid Bologna gives historical evidence as to the actual generosity of the NFL settlement.
Yoko Ono. Heather Mills. Yoko Ono Lennon. Heather Mills-McCartney. Two women. Two Beatles. Who knew? Just remember – everyone – even the allegedly sycophantic, royally aspirational, need someone to look up to.
Many have suggested that our middle school reading selections, while classics, may be the problem. We hope that these new titles will encourage reading and stimulate critical thinking skills - as well as entertain today’s multi-tasking youth.
Once upon a past millennium, a group of North American Beavers who lived in the Upper Forest got together every year for their widely broadcast awards show.
Excerpts from our Cynic's Dictionary
And lo! Adam and Steve stayed in the Lord’s marvelous penthouse and the décor was impeccable. The drapes matched the furniture, there was progressive (but not overbearing) art on the walls and there was an absolutely exquisite Persian rug on the living room floor.
The roots of Guidoism go back much further than you think. (Jersey Shore Satire)
Author Interview: Rick Dewhurst — Inside the Author's Head
Rick Dewhurst has a penchant for literary prose, and it has been said by more than a few literary critics that just one of his sentences compels one to linger, often for hours, lost in the wonderment of discovering meaning.
April Fool's Day should be extended to the whole month of April.
Transcript of a Twitter feed as the world comes to an end.
a very modest proposal for dealing with Portland's homeless.
Extreme Literary Makeovers. Zen and the Art of Facebook Maintenance and The Sisters Kardashian have replaced the original versions of classic novels.
Student Interview at Princeton University - The campus is just stunning. It resembles Hogwarts.
Survey Finds Marriage Counselors Make Poor Spouses "These people are amazing. They lie, they cheat, they abuse their spouses, and they still can't understand why there is a problem in their lives."
Letter to Judge Scalia - Let's take corporate personhood to the next level.
The Comely Behavior Manual for U.S. Army Generals - Please turn to the chapter entitled, "Don't Stick Your Pen in the Company Inkwell."