America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)



Wedding Announcements

10 April 2016

Rivki Schlimovitz
Shlomo Wachtelkoenigstein

Rivki Haddassah Schlimovitz, 17, the daughter of Menachem and Esther Schlimovitz of Kiriat Joel, was married last night to Shlomo Yehuda Wachtelkoenigstein, 38, son of Gershon and Shulie Wachtelkoenigstein, of Borough Park, at the Rebbe Yitchak Feshtunkena Center in Monsey, New York. The bride attends Fleischig College and majors in challah braiding and fabric deciphering. The Bridegroom learns. The proud fathers met a month ago at a diamond cutting seminar at the Motel Bet Zaire in Great Neck, New York. They decided immediately that their children should wed so they interpreted kabbalistic patterns of petrified matzoh kugel to determine which ones were best suited. The young couple met on their wedding day. “He seems nice,” stated Mrs. Wachtelkoenigstein after the ceremony. “He’ll make a good husband, a good father.”

Elana Ruth Needleman
James T. Weitman

Elana Ruth Needleman, the daughter of Dr. and Mrs. Jules Needleman of Jamaica Estates, New York, is to be married this afternoon to James Tripp Weitman, son of the late James Skipp Weitman and the infirm Muffie Weitman of Dobbs Ferry, New York. The bride, now known as Mrs. James Tripp Weitman, 42 and three quarters, is an event planner specializing in weddings. The bridegroom, 70, is retired and lives off the proceeds of a lucrative hair plug business and suffers from cataracts. Soon after Mrs. Weitman met Mr. Weitman, one week before he and his late wife’s silver anniversary celebration (which the new bride was hired to plan,) she delightfully uncovered that he was the great-great-great-great-great-great-grand-nephew of the Rebbe Solomon Levy of Belarus. The late Mrs. Weitman died from a mysterious illness shortly after the celebration. The wedding, which will take place at the Dobbs Ferry Senior Center, will be officiated by extremely reform Rabbi Jack Reese.

Kuziko Taikomochi
Jonathan Eisenberg

KuzikoTaikomochi, daughter of Mikado and Shizue Taikomochi of Kyoto, Japan, was wed yesterday evening to Jonathan Eisenberg, son of Dr. and Mrs. Shel and Shelley Eisenberg of Scarsdale, New York. Mrs. Eisenberg, 24, provides entertainment for businessmen and teaches Japanese serving customs and interpretive body language at the Will Jew Marry Me? Institute of Manhattan. Mr. Eisenberg, 42, reports to be an investment banker at a very small firm, he graduated in the top half of his class of Toro College. The wedding was held at the Arnold P. Schmendrickson Center in Mamaroneck, New York. The groom’s previous marriages to Janet Chan and Marianne Kwan, both of whom were extremely independent, ended in bitter divorces.

Jennifer Kraus
Jennifer Worthington

Professor Jennifer Kraus and Professor Jennifer Worthington are to be wed today in North Hampton Massachusetts at the Smith College Women’s Center. Professor Kraus teaches Women’s Studies at the University of Wisconsin in Fond Du Lac. She specializes in comparative analyses of the communities of Bolivian miners’ wives and lesbian separatist farmers. Professor Worthington teaches Women’s Studies at the University of Wisconsin in Au Claire and is renowned for her treatise on the covert radical feminism of June Cleaver and Betty Boop. The brides met at an Internalized Sexual Arousal by Perverse Pornographic Images Task Force conference in Gary Indiana in 1989. Their eyes connected through the reflection of a slide depicting a woman diving into a meat-grinder during a workshop. Identically shaken by the photo, they introduced themselves that evening at the Lavender Jane Loves Wimmin Sing-along and shared feelings; “It was herstory from then on!” they frequently exclaim in unison.  The brides chronicled their journey to marriage in a joint article recently published in Post Modern Bride Magazine entitled: “Taking the Good From Patriarchy:  The Lesbian Brides’ Guide to Registering and Getting that Cappuccino Machine You’ve Always Wanted!”

Mary Gilbert
John E. Johnson

Mary Gilbert is to be wed today to John E. Johnson. The ceremony and reception will be held in the basement of the St. Mary’s Excruciatingly Eternal Anguish of the Immaculate Insertion, where the bride, 50, works as a receptionist and where bridegroom, 45, works as a coordinator of the al-anon basketball league. The bride’s two children, Mary and John Jr., will participate in the ceremony.  The bride’s previous marriage to John McDaniel was annulled and therefore there was no previous marriage.

Kitty Baker
Christian Stanford Smith, XIV

Kitty Baker, the daughter of Mr. Gifford Baker, a senior bank advisor, and Mrs. Gifford Baker, his wife, of Greenwich Connecticut, was married last evening at the Pilgrims’ Club to Mr. Christian Stanford Smith, the XIV, son of Mr. and Mrs. Christian Stanford Smith, the XIII of South Hampton, New York. The bride, 23, who is keeping her name for trust fund purposes, graduated cum laude from Harvard University where she was an elite member of Phi Beta Kappa, and is currently receiving a master’s degree in Cocktail Artisanry at Princeton University.  The Bridegroom, 24, graduated cum laude from Princeton University, where he was a distinguished member of Sigma Phi Delta and is currently a PhD candidate in Phantom Accounting at Harvard University. The pre-nuptial agreements were negotiated by Myron Levinson, Esq. and Mortimer Schwartzman, Esq. 

Jeffrey Marcus
Phillip Hodges

Jeffrey M. Marcus, an internet entertainment set designer with Fineman, Inc., and Phillip Hodges, a hair care specialist at Chelsea Prime Cuts, were wed yesterday evening at The Mightymound club in Fire Island. Mr. Marcus and Mr. Hodges met last year while buying steak at the downtown meat market. “I saw him standing there” explained Mr. Hodges, “and he had such cute hair, but such a terrible cut, so I gave him my card!”  Mr. Marcus said that he thought Mr. Hodges was “a real hunk” so he called him. Mr. Marcus and Mr. Hodges explained in confidence that they didn’t know what to do with their disposable income so they decided to throw a big party and invite their friends and lovers.

Lisa Badner's writing has appeared in many publications, including Mudlark, TriQuarterly, PANK, Fourteen Hills and New World Writing and is forthcoming in New Ohio Review.