America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)



President Trump’s Cabinet of Horrors

4 November 2016


President Trump's Cabinet, in order of succession to the Presidency, as of January 20, 2017

Vice-President: Donald Trump (Mike Pence was told “You’re fired!” on November 9, 2016)

Secretary of State: Sarah Palin (she can almost see Russia from her house)

Secretary of the Treasury: Donald Trump

Secretary of Defense: Mr. T

Attorney General: Corey Lewandowski

Secretary of the Interior: Ivanka Trump

Secretary of Agriculture (collective appointment): Monsanto

Secretary of Commerce: Donald Trump, Jr.

Secretary of Labor: Scott Walker

Secretary of Health and Human Resources: Bobby Knight

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Jared Kushner

Secretary of Transportation: (former Gov.) Chris Christie (special portfolio: bridges and lane closures)

Secretary of Energy (collective appointment): BP

Secretary of Education: Barron Trump (he will receive home schooling during his service on the cabinet)

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: (former Lt. Col.) Oliver North

Secretary of Homeland Security: Joe Arpaio

New Cabinet office, Secretary of Gender Equality: Roger Ailes

Cabinet motto: “Hate makes great.”

Other appointments

Administrator, Drug Enforcement Agency (collective appointment): Gambino family

Ambassador to the United Nations: Sergei Lavrov

Chairman, Federal Communications Commission: Howard Stern

Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff: Vladimir Putin

Director, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms: Wayne LaPierre

Director, Federal Bureau of Prisons: El Chapo

Head Speechwriter: Melania Trump

Press Secretary: Silvio Berlusconi

Minister Plenipotentiary: Kim Kardashian

Edward Stanton is the author of the novel Wide as the Wind (Open Books Press, October 2016)