New Memo from Putin

Tuesday, February 20th, 2018

Published 4 weeks ago -

To: All US Operatives

Hey team! I hope everyone had a great Presidents’ Day. My Slack has been blowing up all weekend, so I just wanted to check in first thing. The short answer is Yes: the mission is still very much on. You should all still be using your American names, doing your work, and actively trying to pass. And yes, all of the rallies for this weekend are still on.

As you probably heard, we lost a few people over the weekend. Don’t worry, it happens. But I want to take a second to acknowledge those thirteen Russian heroes, and the huge debt we owe them – the Clown is the president and everyone’s pretty much numb or insane – it’s everything we’d hoped for and it’s only just begun! So let’s stay focused. Trust me: when this all works out, it’s going to be the best thing ever.

Okay! Specifics for this week: What are the new hashtags? I still like the idea of getting the Americans really mad about more things and, if possible, conflicting things. I think we’re seeing a lot of success with that. Where are we with #hetoo? Any takers on that? Would also love to explore more ways to work in wellness – the idea of wellness – however we can get that across. Are we still using “Gluten is a Satan”? I liked that.

Also, I really want to start focusing on the genetic stuff. I know it’s the still a ways off, but I think we’re off to a great start with the new DNA websites. Rooted and iChromosome are getting lots of hits, and, I gotta say, I find the ease with which these people volunteer their spit for a global genetic database super encouraging. Hitler should have had it so easy! (Actually, can we get some more DNA collection stations in the inner cities? Who’s doing that? Chad?) And let’s make extra sure that all the results from all the different websites go into the master Race Registry. We don’t want to miss anyone.

Also, would love to know where we are with the poison. Last I knew, it was odorless, colorless, tasteless, and effective on all but 100% pure Russian blood. Is that still the case? And are we totally married to the idea of feeding it to them in their Blue Apron boxes? (I know the Clown floated an idea like that but I don’t think he got very far.) Because I was thinking it would also be really fun to put it their vape pens. Maybe in the one called “Calm”? Or the one called “Bliss”? Or “chocolate”? I don’t know! Do you guys like that at all? Well anyway, we have A LOT of them to kill, so would love to hear any and all ideas you have.

Thanks, You guys rule.


Stacey Grenrock Woods

Stacey Woods is a regular contributor to Esquire, where she wrote the monthly Sex/Humor column for over a decade.

Formerly, she was a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, she has published a memoir (I, California, Scribner), and has numerous television and journalism credits. She also plays the character Tricia Thoon on Arrested Development.

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