America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)



Jesus Debriefs Trump


4 February 2017

Despite his Ultimate Celebrity status, Jesus Christ has been unable to schedule a meeting with President Trump, so recently the King of Kings made a surprise morning appearance in Trumpís bedroom. He materialized near a table covered with golf trophies, a marble bust of Trump, and a book by Dale Carnegie, intent on assisting the new leader with the challenges of office.

ďAll right,Ē said Trump. ďYa got me. But make it quick. Iím really smart and I know more than my generals, so I donít need a lot of info.Ē

The Savior smiled, inspected the small scars on his hands leftover from the nails, and said heíd simply repeat the Beatitudes one by one.

Jesus: Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Trump: What do you mean? The poor donít get something for nothing. They need to quit bawling and DO something with their lives. Forget kingdoms Ė those are for high I.Q. people like me. You oughtta spend some time in Mar-a-Lago, Lord.† Just the gold standard for kingdoms everywhere. Great great golf. The best.

Jesus: Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Trump: Not if youíre a Gold Star family, you sure as hell wonít. Not by me. I donít like soldiers who get killed or captured; theyíre losers. I like winners! Winners like you, God. JesusÖ whatever. You and me. Weíre winners.

Jesus: Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

Trump: Uh, you got that wrong, Chief. Itís Exxon that inherits the earth.

Jesus: Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

Trump: Are you kidding? Nobody hungers for anything in this country. And thatís the problem. No motivation to work, just gimme gimme gimme so we can waste food stamps on Coke and Doritos. And then you get carnage in our great American cities, with raping and bullets and stuff. And itís gonna stop here and now, with Donald Trump.

Jesus: Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

Trump: Mercy! Who needs it? Will it improve my ratings?

Jesus: Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

Trump: Thatís me, Hombre. Pure. I already see God in the billions. You know, itís on every single one of my dollars. In God We Trust. A beautiful thing.

Jesus: Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Trump: Who wants to be a kid? Thatís no fun. I wanna change this one. †A kid canít own a yacht, or know how cool diamond encrusted toilet handles are. They donít get it.† A kid thinks a pussy is a kitten, if you catch my meaning. No offense to your mom, God, Ďcause I hear sheís a little different in that department.

Jesus: Blessed are they Ė

Trump: Wait, wait, wait Ė how many of these blessed things are there? Iím a busy guy. Iíll get Kellyanne over here, and she can sort it out with you. Sheís great with this stuff. Just a beautiful lady. Knows her facts! And thatís what you gotta have, Lord, if you want the people to understand. Meantime, weíve got a little problem around inaugural numbers. I think thatís one of your specialties, multiplying loaves and fishes and what have you? Listen, turn the hundreds of thousands of people into millions, and you got yourself a deal, Tiger. Iíll starting tweeting about mercy first thing. Youíre right. The people need to be nicer to me.

Collen CraigColleen Craig has a career once known as a freelance writer, and is now called a content producer. She has created marketing material for companies as diverse as Oracle, BMW, the LA Philharmonic, and Canine Companions for Independence. Additionally, she spent ten years in advertising and public relations in the LA fashion industry. After her daughter enjoyed four years at Yale doing improv and studying a bit in between, Colleen thought 'why should she have all the fun?' And has since begun testing her humor muscles.