America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
God Seeks Exciting Telecommuting Opportunity
By Scott Gordon
8 December 2015
From: God, Creator of the
Dear Ms. Gonzalez:
It’s with divine interest that I respond to your job opening for Life and Annuity Consulting Actuary: Exciting Telecommute Opportunity. Ever since the earth was a formless void and darkness blanketed the face of the deep, I’ve made a nice living as God, but now I’m looking to make a career change.
What was once a creative and rewarding livelihood, no longer pays the bills. In case you were wondering—my present salary is computed according to how many people pray to me. Recently, thanks to the all-knowing Google, prayer has come to a screeching halt.
Mankind prefers the instant gratification of Google’s answers to my more nuanced approach, which really makes me plotz. Der seykhl iz a krikher (Understanding grows at a snail’s pace.) Mind you, I’ve tried to work with the Internet to spread my Word, but navigating through all of the fikokta ads made me downright wrathful. In the end it was an analysis of prayers vs. Google hits that forced me to make a change.
Not knowing where to start, I asked Google—making me feel a bit like a schmuck—just what the top careers of 2015 were. The super maven brought me to OmniCareer.net, which put actuary as the most desirable occupation, especially given the possibility of telecommuting, which is perfect for me; I prefer to work alone, eyner aleyn.
So taking all of this into account, I believe the abilities I’ve developed during my career as The Master Designer of the World and All That Dwell Therein make me an excellent candidate for this opportunity.
My key skills which relate directly to the job requirements in your advertisement include:
Project Management - Oversaw the implementation and development of light, firmament, agriculture, sea and land creatures, and creeping things according to their kind.
Ambition – Made the whole-wide world in less than a week.
Communication – Adept in prophesies, implanting visions and dreams, and speaking through prophets.
Creativity – No two snowflakes or fingerprints are alike—don’t even get me started on clouds.
Organization – Separated light from darkness, waters from land, heaven from earth, seasons, days, years. I generally brought order to chaos.
Problem solving skills – Created the Ten Commandments to deal with such issues as coveting and murder.
Self Starter – Before Me there was nothing. I started it all.
I feel my broad experience in ALL things while working as the Almighty has equipped me with a strong set of skills—including not only knowing the future but a thing or two about “Acts of God”—that more than meet your needs. I am eager to combine my experience as God with my passion for learning how to be an actuary; in this way I hope to make a meaningful contribution to your organization.
Me willing, you’ll reach out to discuss this opportunity further. I can be reached by closing your eyes and praying, or by typing God into your Google search engine.
Scott Gordon is a fiction writer and independent filmmaker. Most recently Scott was a finalist in Glimmer Train's short story award for New Writers and has stories that appeared or will shortly appear in the Green Hills Literary Lantern (GHLL), Pennsylvania Literary Journal, and Mobius Magazine. In addition to writing fiction, he has written and directed numerous films and television series, including 'Til Death Do Us Part, Searching for Haizmann, and American Authors of the Twentieth Century.