America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Tweeting the Apocalypse: Dispatches at the End of the World (@ApocalypseNowForRealz)
By Michael Saul
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by Twitter. And now it has taken the world with it. There’s no point recounting how the aforementioned social media networks doomed the earth to imminent annihilation. But as we bid farewell to existence and blow air kisses to the cosmos, let the enterprise of our destruction also become the beacon of our one final desperate howl into the gaping void of eternal nothingness. Or whatever.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Judgment Day. Duh duh duh duh duh (sung to tune of T2 theme)
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – This is it, the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here. Sinners repent and all that shit. #God1Man0
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Today’s weather: sunny, mild, 20% chance of rivers of blood, 50% chance of Jesus.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – I’m just so happy. Endoftheworld, WOOOOHOOO! #WatchTheWorldBurn
RT: @NuclearFartCloud – Can’t wait to inhale the fumes!
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – The Mayans, wrong, Evangelical Christians, wrong, Orthodox Bible-Code Jews, wrong. Nostradamus, Harold Camping, and me, all wrong.
@TheRealChuckNorris – You said it, brother.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – I guess Jerry won the $300 in the Apocalypse Office Pool. Lucky bastard.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – I had three weeks this Tuesday in the pool. Damn, so close…
@SurvivalistForeverest – 300 tins of potted meat, 300 cans of canned hams, and one keychain opener for both. Why do you ask?
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Goddamn neighbor’s kids are breaking my windows to steal my TV set and daughters.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Nice try, boys. But I won’t let you loot my brand new 70’’ 3D JVC LCD. #AllYouLootersDie
@CheatersJustice – I’ll give ‘em one for you, mate.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – UPDATE: Shotgun justice for both of them. Two barrels of buckshot headshots. #GiveEmHell
@AreTheyDeadYet – Armalite AR 17 Golden Gun Shotgun, 1965, pristine condition, thanks for asking. I love my kids but this here’s my real pride and joy.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – UPDATE: And another one at close range. So…yup. It has begun.
RT: @NormalityInfinityPatriosity – I don’t care what’s going on outside. It’s Tuesday. I’m going to eat my Campbell mushroom soup and read my King James Bible. I won’t let that brouhaha out there affect me.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – My family and I went out with pitchforks and torches, old school style. #BackToBasics
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Every Wal-Mart and Starbucks we’ve seen is ablaze. Raging infernos, yeah!
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – And yet people still keep looting, despite the flames. That’s so American/patriotic.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – But I’m still waiting for my Book o’ Revelations grand finale. Soooooo booooored. #SooooooooooBooooooooored
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – No seas of blood or rivers of blood or fresh-water-turns-to-blood. Where’s my blood at?
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – No pale horse, white horse, red/black horse, no horses or horsemen of any color. C’mon!
@TheLastTrueBeliever – Jesus is coming, you’ll see, God, Christ, AntiChrist, Disciples on Horsebacks…the whole gang is getting back together, you’ll see. He’s just waiting for the perfect time to make his entrance. #HeIsReturningUhAnyMinuteNow
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – So…no Rapture. No Christ. No Antichrist. No angels. No miracles. No heavenly tractor beam alien abductions. Hey, what gives, God?
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Our End of Days = A cross between Mexican Day of the Dead and Puerto Rican Day Parade. #MultiEthnicApocalypse
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – The end of the world is more boring than I expected. Less ‘Bang’ or ‘Whimper,’ more ‘Meh.’
@BigBadaBoom – Because explosions are cool, that’s why. That was the whole point of the movie industry, giving us sex and explosions (yes, I’ve seen LA lately, all naked orgy mushroom clouds, very ironic).
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Speak of the devil (no, not that one), just saw some sweet fireball explosions.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – UPDATE: Turns out someone just unabombed all the credit card office buildings.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – UPDATE: Guy who claimed credit? Iamtylerdurden99. Nice. #WhereIsMyMind
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – An airplane crashed into my neighbor Fred’s house.
@MaybeThisIsAStupidQuestionBut – Why would he be wearing his seatbelt? And why would that matter? He was inside the house, not in the—I don’t understand.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – He deserved it, he never returned my lawnmower. Karma, baby, karma. #BadKarma
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Still, I expected more apocalypsings. Some nice power plant explosions though.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Oh and all our secret nukes launched too. Wonder where they’re headed.
RT: @FatherFredWBC – No, I didn’t see any winged demons. Not yet, anyways.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – My computer’s running on backup power generators. I PLAN AHEAD, SUCKAS! #BePrepared
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Wonder if the waves of nuclear radiation will make my penis bigger.
@SexyRussianLady6996 – Not yet. But hopefully soon, while the gettin’s still good.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Eat some of my freeze-dried fruit-paste preserves. Delicious.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Wash it down with some urine-purifier water. Not bad.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Leftover Y2K supplies. A little stale but still edible. Mostly Twinkies anyway. Those last forever, for life.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Twinkies and Gatorade, that stuff isn’t of this earth, it has no expiry date, it’ll last until the end of time. #TechnicallyFoodButNotReally
RT: @TheRealAntiChrist666 – Yeah well we’ll see who’s laughing when I’m swimming the backstroke through the Lake Eerie of Fire and you’re just burning in it like an unholy unbaptized pagan homosexual.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Just saw a sword-wielding guy covered in blood riding a wild bear across the highway.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Oh, and both were naked and screaming and on fire. Pretty cool.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Oh and it was Jerry from work. Guess he won’t collect that $20 after all. Score! :)
RT: @JessicaHeatherMercedes – Just woke up. Weird show on TV today. Is this a new reality show? I don’t like it. It’s depressing. New episode of The Voice tonight?
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – More looting but less raping than I expected. Weird. :(
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Just dug up Marlon Brando’s grave. He’s lost some weight.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – CORRECTION: Not Marlon Brando’s grave but Barry Manilow’s grave.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – UPDATE: Now I regret having sex with his dead body. He probably enjoyed it. #CelebrityNecrophiliacsAnonymous
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – And now some updates from around the Twitterverse.
RT: @MakingMischief – Just dropped 1000 pennies off the Empire State Building.
@CausingChaos – Just derailed a speeding train with a stationary bus.
– Just stopped by the New Yorker offices. Total bloodbath. Did ya ever see Event
– When the world ends, pretentious liberal media-elitists go craziest of all. #NewYorkerMagazineWoodlandCritter
RT: @TheNewAtillatheHunReborn – Hey man, get your own sacrificial virgins, these ones are spoken for! Just because the world is ending, doesn’t mean you can just abandon common decency.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – UPDATE: The militia groups are all fighting each other for post-apocalyptic supremacy. #EviscerateTheProletariat
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – The White Militia sweeps out the black ghettos while the Black Militia sweeps out the white gated communities. A race against time.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – LOL, a ‘race’ against time, no pun intended, I just got that joke… #RacismIsFunny
@TooSoonTooSoon911 – I am not a racist, it was just a joke…and really, does that even matter now? Aren’t there more important things at stake?
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Back to the Stone Age. But why? It wasn’t that great the first time around. #EscapeFromLAEnding
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Guess that means the end of this Twitter feed. It’s been fun.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – This feed had 31,049,583 followers. I appreciate all your support.
RT: @ConspiracyFactotum –It’s not paranoia if the world is really ending. And it is. If you want to know the REAL version of how it came to this, read my 4912 page manifesto in the 136 seconds we have left to live. #TheRealTrulyTruestStoryBehindTheCoverUp
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – If I start a post-doomsday cult, you can all be my followers again. #Jonestown2.0
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Yeah, I’m definitely doing that. Become my mindless disciples but with purpose.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Meet me in two weeks (if you’re still alive) at what’s left of the White House. #LetMyPeopleGoAndComeWithMeInstead
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – We’ll sing psalms, cook food, loot, pillage, sacrifice male animals and virgin females to the gods of light and dark…
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Bring the whole family, it’ll fun, I promise. #HeavensGate3.0
RT: @AverageMoJo = I always knew I would die like this; sitting at home, alone, sipping lukewarm light beer, watching a mediocre Friends rerun, and mindlessly masturbating (Touché)
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – What a long strange trip and wild ride it’s been. Preparing for death in 3…2…1…
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – So…final thoughts and recaps...
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – I give it a ‘9’ for concept, ‘7.5’ for fun factor, ‘6.66’ for execution.
@ApocalypticOlympics – No, I was not bribed by the Russians to score it that way!
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – On average, this end-of-the-world rates strong ‘7.3.’ ‘B-’ Good, not great.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Plenty of kills and craziness, bonus points for the castle built from castrations. #CastratiUnite
RT: @KarmaTroll – Is that it? Is that all there is?
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – Still, climax was kinda weak. Better luck next time, God (? – we’ll see)
RT: @TheOneTrueGodAlmighty – Don’t provoke me, motherfucker.
@ApocalypseNowForRealz – A’ight. Time to scavenge for food and pray for death. Apocalypto out. #Endoftheworldwoooohooo!