America's Most Critical Journal (since 1999)
Death of an SUV
By Marvin R. Hiemstra
BOO BABY started to roll with everyone running to the other end of Tahoe beach for a better look at that American eagle flying a fresh snake to her baby. No one had ever dreamed a monster SUV would end it all. BOO shot straight for the water. BOO had enough.
Jane screamed, “Oh, my new noir jumpsuit: a closet Classic gone forever! Life’s not fair.”
“AutoPark crashed! It’ll happen,” said Dick. “Buy you another one.”
Crowd gasped as the 44 inch wide wheels nudged water. “Bottom goes down to 100 feet in about four yards,” announced Harry Bunns. “Never see your SUV again.”
“Oh, Honey!” moaned Jane.
“Buy you another one on the web, real soon! Right after my double latte,” said Dick, carefully polishing Jane’s elbow.
Water licked the “WHO’S SORRY NOW?” bumper sticker.
“I never trust Automatic Park, especially when it’s not turned on,” Mary Singh whispered to her apricot pug, Henry.
“Here comes that ranger’s customized Cherokee. Maybe he’s got a rope!” chirped Gladys Bright.
“Going to swim out and tie it on?” asked her husband Stanley.
Water hugged BOO in her gentle arms.
BOO BABY shimmied in the water: booty door popped open. BOO floated firm as the water rushed in. One by one as if cued by a power mad Craig’s List intern – the contents made their proud debut, water–borne for all to see: one half-assembled Do-It-Yourself SURPRISE YOUR FRIENDS! Drone, one can of worms, a jumpsuit floating snug in an OPHELIA’S DRY CLEAN WHILE-U-TWEET wrap, a vintage corkscrew with a Ten Commandments handle, Dick’s dog-eared Wall Street Journal Crosswords, two pounds of chocolate covered cherries, an autographed copy of It’s Longer Than You Think by Christiana Neem, two heirloom tomatoes, one cowboy boot with an authentic Burmese taillight ruby ladybug not happy on the toe tip….
Stuffed with his 4th Birthday cake little Stevie Spud still managed to shout, “Look at that fucker sink!”
BOO BABY dived, resurfaced for an instant (corner tilted up like a stoned cubist Puzzle Block) and dived again – at last on the long happy trail to Eternity. Ed Bang showed a rare presence of mind and shot his backup cell at the three second Puzzle Block, a brief monument to Civilization: flat on its face, again, and counting...
Jane sobbed. “Gave up a double margarita with Sea Salt: my Palm Springs favorite…for this.”
“Come on, Sweet Cakes. Give me a big kiss! I’ll click on another one. We’ll name it BOO BABY II,” said Dick polishing both her elbows, tenderly.
20 August 2013